You can't speak about it ...

I managed to avoid family weddings for the last 12 years (work, out of town, busy with school etc) till this summer - I was invited to 2 family weddings within a month of each other. So this post is dedicated to my thoughts on weddings. It may be a bit whiny... so beware.

I love weddings.

. . . excepting for the depression that sets in after the last dance.

Interestingly, it is the very same things that I love about weddings that leave me most depressed. The taking of the vows, the support and love showered on the couple, the togetherness of a life ahead, the toast, the first dance (especially when the couple dances well), the madness on the dance floor afterwards . . . till the last dance. And then as I drive away, contemplating on how beautiful it all was, I feel like a child in a candy store with no money.

At both the weddings some kind of a camera was handed to me by a parent of the bride/groom to capture the important moments for them. It was good to feel that they trusted me to know when the important moments would be, though it was laced with the bitterness that the trust probably resulted from me being the only single person available to do the job instead of being obliged to sit hand in hand with a spouse through the ceremony. Of course, I always made sure that there was a professional photographer on the job to reduce the burden of responsibility (I have been known on one occasion to have clicked a whole roll with the lid on the lens!!).

Hence, I viewed both the weddings from behind a camera. I was not obliged to sit in one position with a single view. Instead, I was free to run around the ceremony and capture the most intimate moments of the wedding with a telephoto zoom lens. I felt like I was there in the wedding even though I was always safely hidden behind the camera. The slight smile spreading on the bride's lips, the fumble with the ring, the first kiss . . . I tried to capture it all. Even if they have not been recorded digitally or on tape, they definitely have been captured in my mind's eye.

Talking about photography . . . the photographer at the second wedding was indeed very very sweet and attractive. And when I say attractive I mean more than his good looks. Yes he was hot too! But there was more to it than that. During the ceremony both of us were trying to get the same moments . . . of course him being a professional hire for the evening, he probably had a greater right to the moments than I did. But I was touched by how well he coordinated his shots so that I didn't miss out the important moments. We were almost working together as a team. I knew when to back out and take a different angle of the same shot and he'd return the favor next time.

Of course after dinner when I was going crazy on the dance floor making every aunt and grand-aunt swing with me, he made it a point to do close ups of me and even pulled me to a corner to give me pre-views of the shots. He was my brightest spot the whole evening. :)

Oh well! After the dust settles I usually find myself on the road in the silence of my car. Back from the candy store, empty handed. I love the candy store, I enjoy looking at the colorful candy wraps in the glass shelves. I hate to leave disappointed.

And whats worse, theres no way I can ask for money or even speak about my disappointment. So, till I have to visit the candy store again, I'll dream about the photographer.

Patterns

Theres been a lot going on in my life, on multiple fronts, these last few months. As a result things have left me a little unnerved and plenty absent-minded (I could start up a separate comic blog to talk about my absent-mindedness and its crazy impacts). Enough has been happening to draw the attention of my friends. With the result that I received a concerned call from our minister yesterday, wondering if I needed a spiritual tune-up. An offer that, of course, I gladly accepted. We had breakfast this morning before service. Our minister, is indeed a gem of a person and it was a great comfort talking to her. Most importantly, she pointed out in abstract terms the different ways my life had been influenced though not radically changed in the past few months. In a way it corroborated my recent reflections about emerging patterns in my life, leading me to wonder:

Is the Universe sending me certain signals that I need to heed?

I am usually given to living my life in a some-what organized fashion, an organization that is usually bounded by the daily jumble, toss and tumble. Lately, I have been standing back and in re-evaluating the bigger picture I am beginning to find certain emerging patterns.

For example, how specific topics of conversation arise on different occasions in completely different companies, without my own initiative, and how each such conversation seems to be a continuation of the previous one. When I think of such discussions, the people involved in the discussion become a blur. The only thing that remains with me is the harmony and easy flow in the discussion sequence. Its as if, I am having a conversation with the Universal Consciousness, and the Universe is engaging me over and over again through friends and strangers, challenging me to look beyond the obvious.

Of course, the cynic in me wrinkles the nose (we have only one!) and says ... "Nonsense! You will find patterns when you are looking for one." Which is true ... but then why would we want to look for a specific pattern? An untimely death of a friend, a personal experience that took me close to being severly injured if not dead, the unexplained deaths of at least 2 friendships, spiritual deaths at work and other such episodes that have brought abrupt endings without closure seem to be coinciding with conversations that pertain to 'the passage' often... and with people who have no idea about these happenings in my life. Well... thats when I start identifying a pattern, and duely find one.

Whether its the Universe engaging me in a conversation or me consciously connecting dots on the slate of my experiences, there certainly is an emergent pattern that cannot be ignored.

Pride week

Celebrate diversity with pride ...

Home at last

Its been a month since the fire. And I have just finished unpacking my last box, and putting it away into my storage unit in the basement. All the laundry is done as well and things seem to be smelling less and less of the smoke. In fact I feel that I am at last home again since that night.

In between there were 2 weeks of business trips, a wedding in Houston, the unfortunate and untimely demise of a very respected mentor, friend and colleague and finally a crisis at work consisting of lots of flared tempers! Lots of disorientation all in the course of a month.

But as I said... I am feeling stable and at home once again, typing in my blog, sipping a glass of red wine and listening to the BBC World. Of course, home feels a little empty, given that my new apartment has a lot more space than my previous apartment. So currently most of my living-dining space is looking like a football field.

Of course, the time is just right to go and buy new furniture. I am planning to get a new dining set and a futon to add another living space. I am also looking for a bamboo/tissue screen and a corner bar with a couple of bar stools... Well! Well! Its going to be interesting to see how many of those I actually land up buying. I am going my old principle of not buying used furniture...

I have a few good ideas to write about tonight... but I am sooooo tired !

Later!