Monday, December 04, 2006

Memories

Its a cold snowy night. The woods in my backyard are still, yet strangely alive. Its silent but not dark. The blanket of snow is reflecting the light it absorbed all day - a memory of a day gone by. Tomorrow morning, when I will look out of my window, I will see footprints of deer that pranced around silently all night while I slept - memory of a night out.

I lie in bed watching the snow glowing on the bare branches outside my window - like cotton balls waiting to be picked. My thoughts stray. I think of the short summer nights when I'd be lulled to sleep by the wind - as it whispered sweet nothings to me at my window - while it gently rustled the million leaves on the very branches that - now stripped of all foliage - have fallen silent.

I reach for the phone.

The screen on my phone lights up in the dark, as memories of spring flash by. Love? Friendship? What was it? Maybe all it was, is the pain I feel. May be I do feel like crying and can't. May be ...

May be its just the glass of wine after dinner.

I put down the phone and continue to look at the still branch counting the memories of spring and the sweetness of a summer gone by.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Snowy afternoon

Its been a very hectic and depressing week. Hectic is expected... its that time of the year when school is drawing to a close and everybody is scrambling to get stuff done.

Depressing ... Sigh! No reason for it, nothing happened, it'll pass as it always does, after lingering for a bit. May be its just the weather. Its been snowing continuously for the last 3 days. The pictures on the left and right are taken from my living room window (the front street and the tree peeping in) and my bedroom window (looking at the woods behind my back yard) respectively.

Anyway, I decided to not be depressed and realized that there was a ton of fruits in my fridge that if not tended to soon would be heading to the trash. So out came the strawberries and blueberries and the apples. The berries got washed and sliced, and the apples got peeled and cored. I got out my baker's hat and within an hour the oven was baking a berry pie and an apple cider pudding cake :) (See pictures below). Now the whole place is smelling of apples and baking. That made me happy!















And then to make myself happier, I put up my Christmas Tree. See picture below. So now I have a tree lighting up my room with pretend gifts under it and a pie and a pudding sitting on my table with no one to eat them.


Oh well! At least I tried to cheer myself up.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Core 2 Duo


Well maybe getting 2 core 2 duo machines (one for my lab to run Redhat and the other on my MacBook Pro) this early, was not a great idea. Reasons:

* Redhat still has not come up with a stable version for core 2 duo - there is a beta version 5 - but its extremely unstable.

* Apple has a huge manufacturing back log and their delivery dates are getting more and more delayed. My purchase on 10/31 is yet to be shipped from Singapore.


So I have bought 2 new computers in the last three months, neither of which I can use. The Mac is yet to be delivered and the lab machine will have to wait to be used till Redhat version 5 becomes stable (Fedora has a semi-stable version for core duo 2, but my support does not want anything other than Redhat!!)


So if you are planning on buying a machine, hold off for a little bit on the core duo 2s.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Busy!

So it turns out that I can post directly from my email, although it takes
quite a few days for the post to be reflected online ... which I think is
kinda lame.

Anyway, I have been posting seldom for 2 reasons:

1. I have been terribly busy with work and work related travel ... Really,
I am sick of travelling. Sick of starting my day in a a snow storm and
ending it on the Atlantic coast in 75 degree weather.

2. My laptop died 3 weeks ago and I have been waiting for my new laptop to
arrive. Till it arrives I do not have online access at home and I do not
have time to blog at work.

A word for my old laptop: It was an iBook that saw me through grad school
and died of old age. The display failed and then the hard drive crashed -
or at least some sectors I am assuming got corrupted. All my important
data is backed-up, and hopefuly the rest I will be able to retrieve
through fire-wire once my new laptop arrives. It was a good laptop and
its time had come.

This is my new <a href="http://www.apple.com/macbookpro/">laptop</a>. 15"
MacBook Pro, 2.33GHz, Intel Core 2 Duo, 2GB SDRAM with a 120GB Hard Drive.
It should arrive tomorrow.

Every once in a while I make a mental note of things I intend to blog and
once my new laptop arrives I will try to catch up on the list.

Other than that life as usual ... same old humdrum.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Testing

This is a test. I am trying to post from my email!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Snowflakes settling in the middle

Today was National Coming Out Day (NCOD). The usual talk trying to reconcile religion and spirituality and the usual efforts at dialogue between young fundamentalists and young queer folk with rainbow colored hair struggling to be accepted by their respective religions and coming to terms with the world around them. I look at them and pray that soon all of them will settle down happily in the middle and live as neighbors. The young fundamentalists will eventually temper down and be tolerant and the young rebel will eventually get a decent hair cut, find a partner and a niche in society.

This desire for a society that eventually converges into a homogenious yet diverse middle makes me wonder if I am growing old. After all, I've been out there on the fringes and raged about all sorts of things. Maybe I have become too comfortable with my situation (whatever that is!) ... or maybe, I am beginning to believe that we need the extremes of opinion (one side espousing high Biblical morality while the other side espousing open polyamorous situations), before we can - nay, if we have to- achieve the balance in between. So its all good. In the end, gay, straight, white, black, narrow, broad ... and all else in between ... will just settle down somewhere in the middle, as they have done so many times in the past on so many issues. And when one topic has been resolved another will come up... after all, life itself is defined by the conflict of extremes. (Hopefuly, this nuclear weapons issue, will also eventually settle down - as it must - without taking the world through a nuclear carnage!)

A lot of people came out as "straight allies" (I am a crooked ally!) and duely showed their support by signing their names on reams of paper. Hopefuly as time passes we'll have to resort to electronic signatures for fear of chopping down too many trees. For the time being, I don't think it cost us more than a few branches and a couple of twigs.

But to our pleasant surprise the Snow came out with its support... and boy has there been a gale blowing all afternoon. Its been one dramatic "coming out." Well I am sure there are some gay snowflakes and some straight snowflakes and then there are the ones that are simply wet and boring! Snow flakes that float gently and settle indiscriminately on every surface. Snow flakes that are inquisitive and will creep into every nook and corner. Then there are a ton of different snow flake crystal patterns. In addition, there is flaky snow and on a really cold night snow can even turn treacherous ... bottomline is: Snow understands diversity. As I write this post, I can hear the wind howling and the snow blowing around - over a BBC report about Amma hugging 25 million people.

Hmm! Its getting cold and I could very well do with a hug... even if its from Amma.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

In between Oz and Wonderland

When I get caught, willingly or reluctantly, at a faculty meeting, I feel like a cross between Dorothy and Alice. Displaced, curious and definitely not in Kansas anymore.

I look around the table and start identifying the Rabbit constantly checking his time-piece and complaining about how he is running late. The lion mopping his brow with the furry end of his tail. Then of course there are a few egos which keep growing till someone cuts them down to size... soon after which they start growing again. Almost everybody sounds like the mad-hatter. The Queen of Hearts decrees something absurd every once in a while. The dept. coordinator trying her best to sincerely note every opinion aired, reminding me of the jury at the trial. Then of course there are the Wizards and the Witches both good and bad from every corner of the dept.

So I follow the yellow brick road and avoid getting caught in poppy fields which may put me to sleep. And I try not to question why roses need to be painted a different color and usually hold my tongue when the verdict makes no sense.

Its only Tuesday, and I've already started writing letters to my left foot!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Good, Bad and Ugly!

I believe that life is not about seeking happiness, for there is no such thing to be found. Instead it is about accepting that the world is imperfect. That we as individuals are not responsible for change, and in fact should not even try to change anything. In its imperfection there is a balance in the status-quo and all we should do is accept our conditions and play the roles that we are burdened with. Hence, each of us should dutifuly play the roles of son/daughter, wife/husband and mother/father. There can be no reason to stray from this pattern. It may not be perfect for some of us, but it is stable, and when followed honestly with humility and acceptance provides peace and stability. For some of us it calls for unselfish sacrifice, but isn't that what life is about ... giving a little of yourself to make things better for your family.
***
I believe that life is about an individual seeking happiness and that happiness lies in fulfiling dreams. Dreams - the sum total of an individual's deepest desires soaring the skies on the wings of free thought. Each individual is an unipue person with unique dreams and therefore only they themselves can seek their dreams and pursue happiness. It is true that the world is imperfect, but in seeking our dreams and being happy, we take the world a step closer to perfection. Of course, we need to give each other space to soar and respect each other's values, no matter how different they are from our own. As we all soar and explore, we change the world and make it better. The balance in the world is important, but it has to emerge from within our different flight paths - reflect our combined visions as we soar high and look afar. Of course, we will differ and there will be conflict ... but from the painful acceptance of a diverse view different from ours, we will live and let live and make space for each of our dreams, for isn't that what life is about ... understanding each other to make the world a better place.
***
I am in the middle ... I am not sure I believe in much, one way or another. I know what I need to do each morning, so that I can live another day. I am tired at the end of a day of hard work and find joy when I hold my dear children and when I am held. I worry about college tuition and about unexpected illnesses. I worry about the cold winter and hope the heat bills will be low. But all of it is worth it when I see the smile on the faces of my children, after all are they not what life is about ... the continuity of me an mine in them and their's.
***

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

That time of the year ...

Its that time of the year again. The chilly winds blowing in from the north have fanned the dying embers of a fading northern summer, errant sparks from which have ignited the forests and set the countryside ablaze in a riot of colors. Even though the wind brings tidings of a cold winter, we ignore it and inspired by the woods inflame our imagination ... as our spirits rise up in the warmth and bonhomie of the many festivals of the season.

Subho Bijoya to the ones who hail from the Gangetic delta, Happy Rosh Hoshana and Yom Kippur to those who have roots in the land of Israel. And as we speak, the holy days of Ramadan roll by. It is the season to count our blessings and be thankful as the love of dear ones continue to scaffold our lives, as we settle down for Thanksgiving dinner. It is a time to look anew in the mirror, address our indulgences and wonder at the pattern of light and shade that the canopy of our lives leave behind. It is indeed a time to renew the spirit and refresh old ties of family and friendship.

And for the witches, the wizards, the fairies and the goblins ... the game is afoot. Bring out your broomsticks, pull out your hats and wands and let the portions brew. Hark! a tune can be heard in the forest, weaving its way through the mist ...
Now Chil the Kite brings home the night
That Mang the Bat sets free--
The herds are shut in byre and hut
For loosed till dawn are we.
This is the hour of pride and power,
Talon and tush and claw.
Oh, hear the call!--Good hunting all
That keep the Jungle Law
Night-Song in the Jungle
by Rudyard Kipling
Don't forget to have a scary Halloween, and be a fright :B
(The image was taken from here)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

soft comfort

Its been a long time since I have had an evening to myself. My work load is currently reasonable (after the storm I went through for the last few weeks), and my social commitments are less immediate ... so here I am, at home spending an evening of domestic comfort. Had a sumptuous home cooked dinner, and washed it down with a glass of Merlot. And now I am watching the flame on the candles flicker and listening to the pitter-patter of the rain outside as I warm my toes in my blanket.

My Haloween pumpkin is sitting on my living room table looking out of the window and grimacing at the wide world ... casting strangely shaped shadows on the window panes.

The comfort of spending a quiet and domestic evening. Hmmm!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The weekend

I sailed around the lake all day today. You were on the boat with me. We stole glances at each other. Sunglasses are strange things ... you never know where one is looking. Though the sun was strong, the wind was calm and progress was slow ... but it was good to be with you on the boat.

I took to steering the boat and you all laughed at how I went round in circles. I was trying hard ... if only the wind co-operated.

We had dinner at the Yatch Club later. We shared a drink ... joked about how meeting "that special person" is like looking for a job ... about how you feel the emptiness in your double bed since your last break-up ... we laughed, I'd never needed anything more than a twin bed!!

... and then we shared desert together and we talked a little and then a lot more ...

Being on the sailboat all day leaves a strange feeling ... everything seems to be bobbing up and down, like on a wave, even when you are back on terra firma ...

You will be gone tomorrow, but I will still think of you ... and miss you.

Keep in touch ...

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mindsets

The mess in the middle-east is getting worse with every passing day. I must say, whatever sympathy I had for Israel, has in the last few days, with their incessant attacks on civilian targets, completely disappeared. Strategically, Israel's stance has been one of obstinate stupidity. In their unrestrained bombing of Lebanon they have actually managed to raise the popularity of insane groups like H' to an unprecedented high in a matter of 15 days. In addition, their bombing is achieving nothing more than destroying lives and livelihoods of civilians. Clearly, H' is not going to be disarmed, not to mention, given the nature of current insurgency based politics, the worst attacks including 9/11, have little or nothing to do with military might. So really, this Rumsfieldian 'shock and awe' approach is only reducing Israel to shockingly low moral standards and leaving absolutely nobody in awe.

Which brings me to my thesis: For a long while, peaceniks like me have advocated that war indeed never solves problems, excepting for the very small set of instances in which force is necessary to stop an atrocious situation and when 'victory' will mark a clear end to such situations. Other than that, violence only begets more violence and clearly if that were not true we would not be fighting over land after all these centuries, that too in the name of God! (Absolutely nothing has changed!) Surely the mighty, would have conquered and ruled. But instead, we have seen that in the recent past the most interesting victories in have been those of conscience, not of military might. The Civil Rights movement in America, the Indian Independence movement, the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa ... the rare instance when violence was acceptable: World War II. Instead, the sun has indeed set on the might of the British Empire and Hitler was vanquished and their atrocities have been condemned by the whole world. Unfortunately, these lessons are lost on our leaders who, disappoint me with their complete lack of judgement. They seem to have inherited the age-old mindset of a powerful nation being one of great military prowess and might.

Such a mindset is at the very root of many of the problems in the middle-east today (not enough space, but consider the history of how many of these extremist militias and authoriatarian governments were created by covert military support). And as Einstien said, it is not possible to solve a problem with the same mindset that created it. That war mongering has lead to more war mongering and is projecting no 'sustainable solutions' in the future is a clear example of that. Instead the sustainable solutions (or at least approximations to such) have come from countering the very mindsets that embodied the problems. (Consider, once again, each of the movements I mentioned above).

If only these people in charge would realize the stupidity of their actions and the massacres that they are unleashing on innocent civilians and children. Alas!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Continuity

I went back to S. last week after a year. The 5 days seemed to fly. In fact, I had so many people to meet, lunch and dine with that I barely got a minute to sit. However, I am not complaining. It was just like going back home … the same familiarity; the same love … did not feel like I had ever left. Of course, the last year has left its scars on the city, a couple of buildings have been pulled down, a few new restaurants have come up, and construction on the light rail has started … but the coffee is still brewing strong and its still getting cloudy and peak hour traffic still makes me wonder if maybe another bridge across the lake really would not be such a bad idea. It was good to be back and I am already looking forward to my next trip.

I also said good-bye to a dear friend, philosopher and guide, B., who breathed his last earlier in the summer. A touching service was held on Sunday night in his memory as we all sat around and reminisced him. Constructing the rich personality that he was by piecing together each of our different perspectives and experiences with him over a period of a decade and a half. The diversity of the motley gathering reflected how he managed to attract and bring together his students from every discipline and every continent only to send them out enthused with the very vigor and lively intellectual vibrancy that he exemplified. By uniting people, nurturing open minds and connecting ideas lay the realization of his vision and the success of his life’s work. It is sad that he is no more, and that he has left us so early, but it was also a pleasure to tie and tassel the loose end of the bright and colorful thread, that was his life, that he weaved far and wide across the tapestry of human experience.

I also spent some time with an old friend who had recently lost her father in an untimely fashion. While the passing was beautiful and painless for him, the suddenness of it left my friend and the rest of her family deeply traumatized. It broke my heart listening to her talk about the entire experience. At the same time I admire her for having effectively navigated such troubled waters, while maintaining her own sanity and being a support to her family.

I attended service on Sunday at the UU congregation in my old neighborhood. The service on the passage of the soul and its health in life was refreshing to hear and left me a little calmer. It helped me get some solace and put my friend’s trauma and B’s passing in perspective. On the other hand, it also helped me realize that my greatest fear of all is not my own mortality as much as it is the fear of loosing my loved ones. It reaffirms the need to love all we know in sincerity, the need to rise above the trivial, for who knows when this fragility that we take for granted will give away to loss and grief.

While death is indeed the ultimate absolution, and indeed the only truth that none of us can escape … Love and the acknowledgement of Life really is what we have to construct our continuity in the very face of our immortality.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Bombay (Mumbai)

And as the city wakes up today after the huge shock last night, I am PROUD to say that YES BOMBAY IS BOUNCING BACK. From what I hear on the BBC, the city is back to what it is most loved for ... its vibrance ... injured, hurt, but vibrant all the same.

My prayers for the city ... though given my definition of 'prayer', Bombay needs none, she has enough Mumbaikars who are ready to live and love ... and therein lies her strength.

Visit this site.

I find it strange that the Police are being very reluctant about making a pronouncement on responsibility ... though I am glad that that they are being objective. The act is deplorable and I'd rather get an answer from the authorities based on data rather than random conjectures (there was an "informed opinion" on BBC which blamed it squarely on Pakistan).

Outrage!

The bomb attacks on the local commuter train system in Bombay is an outrage against humanity. Having spent a very memorable time in the city and having lived and worked around some of the very stations that were attacked, I am naturally feeling hurt by the incident. I cannot imagine the plight of the families who have lost their near and dear ones in the blast.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

On the one hand we keep furthering and pursuing dialogues on tolerance. We seek to build inclusive open societies, we hope to dismantle barriers and treat all women and men alike and yet ... all such efforts are marred by such violent acts of cowardice and intolerance.

There can be no tolerance for intolerance. And even as I bawl in my anger I know that all I am spewing is intolerance ... yet, can we tolerate such acts of cowardice? It undermines the very fundamental assumptions that society functions on.

I don't know how to condole all the families who lost their own, or for that matter how to console the very people who met their untimely end, and in reality this is an inconsoleable loss. However, I do hope and pray for the following:
-> The Indian government can bring justice in the short run while focusing on long term solutions to growing Islamic fundamentalism
-> That Indians inspite of their hurt can stand up and face tomorrow with courage and hard work (as we have before) and also that other extremist factions don't cease on this to unleash what happened in Guajarat

A prayer for Peace ... or at least, some close approximation of it!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Meme-ed!

Hmmm! So I got tagged and now I have to do a Meme for me! Well before I start there are 2 observations I feel obliged to make.

Even though Cabbages and Kings cautions us against confusing with the Meme tool, interestingly this meme business is connected to all the viruses and DNA replication and so on (my background in biology is limited). It is in fact defined as:

meme: (pron. 'meem') A contagious idea that replicates like a virus, passed on from mind to mind. Memes function the same way genes and viruses do, propagating through communication networks and face-to-face contact between people. The root of the word "memetics," a field of study which postulates that the meme is the basic unit of cultural evolution. Examples of memes include melodies, icons, fashion statements and phrases.

Read more about it here.


And as we are on the topic of cultural evolution, I feel obliged to compare this current blog rendition of a meme to silly old chain mails ... In fact thats what they primarily are with an extra dollop of pleaurable guilt... comprising of a mixture of narcisistic indulgence and exhibitionism... and I guess, thats what makes it entirely bearable, unlike the chain mails that were burdened with altruistic intentions. In fact, the chain mail was a little more robust in structure. It came with various fortune related incentives and disincentives that would surely befall the faithful if they broke the chain. This "meme" business actually has no reinforcing mechanism ... or maybe its the certainty that everybody will want to talk about themselves that does the trick. It still leaves one the opportunity not to tag anybody else (no incentives!), but then again, its fairly certain that within every exhibitionist hides a vouyer, and that does the trick, as each one of us go from exposing to viewing!!

Anyway, me and myself have decided to indulge.

I am thinking about...
not thinking any more.

I said...
"Haven't I already said enough?"

I want to...
drink a Bombay and tonic.

I wish...
I could get a new laptop

I hear…
... birds chirping

I wonder...
what its like beyond the rainbow

I regret...
not having any warm feelings

I am...
trying to type in reasonable responses about me

I dance...
by myself

I sing...
Sunshine on my shoulders ...

I cry...
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

I am not always...
at the bar downtown ... just sometimes.

I make with my hands...
what my mind imagines

I write...
papers and proposals

I confuse...
names

I need...
a glove

I tag:
Prash
The Drunken Goat Farm

Whew!!! I feel like I have done my duty and can safely stake my membership to the community of "meme" bloggers.

Monday, June 26, 2006

You can't speak about it ...

I managed to avoid family weddings for the last 12 years (work, out of town, busy with school etc) till this summer - I was invited to 2 family weddings within a month of each other. So this post is dedicated to my thoughts on weddings. It may be a bit whiny... so beware.

I love weddings.

. . . excepting for the depression that sets in after the last dance.

Interestingly, it is the very same things that I love about weddings that leave me most depressed. The taking of the vows, the support and love showered on the couple, the togetherness of a life ahead, the toast, the first dance (especially when the couple dances well), the madness on the dance floor afterwards . . . till the last dance. And then as I drive away, contemplating on how beautiful it all was, I feel like a child in a candy store with no money.

At both the weddings some kind of a camera was handed to me by a parent of the bride/groom to capture the important moments for them. It was good to feel that they trusted me to know when the important moments would be, though it was laced with the bitterness that the trust probably resulted from me being the only single person available to do the job instead of being obliged to sit hand in hand with a spouse through the ceremony. Of course, I always made sure that there was a professional photographer on the job to reduce the burden of responsibility (I have been known on one occasion to have clicked a whole roll with the lid on the lens!!).

Hence, I viewed both the weddings from behind a camera. I was not obliged to sit in one position with a single view. Instead, I was free to run around the ceremony and capture the most intimate moments of the wedding with a telephoto zoom lens. I felt like I was there in the wedding even though I was always safely hidden behind the camera. The slight smile spreading on the bride's lips, the fumble with the ring, the first kiss . . . I tried to capture it all. Even if they have not been recorded digitally or on tape, they definitely have been captured in my mind's eye.

Talking about photography . . . the photographer at the second wedding was indeed very very sweet and attractive. And when I say attractive I mean more than his good looks. Yes he was hot too! But there was more to it than that. During the ceremony both of us were trying to get the same moments . . . of course him being a professional hire for the evening, he probably had a greater right to the moments than I did. But I was touched by how well he coordinated his shots so that I didn't miss out the important moments. We were almost working together as a team. I knew when to back out and take a different angle of the same shot and he'd return the favor next time.

Of course after dinner when I was going crazy on the dance floor making every aunt and grand-aunt swing with me, he made it a point to do close ups of me and even pulled me to a corner to give me pre-views of the shots. He was my brightest spot the whole evening. :)

Oh well! After the dust settles I usually find myself on the road in the silence of my car. Back from the candy store, empty handed. I love the candy store, I enjoy looking at the colorful candy wraps in the glass shelves. I hate to leave disappointed.

And whats worse, theres no way I can ask for money or even speak about my disappointment. So, till I have to visit the candy store again, I'll dream about the photographer.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Patterns

Theres been a lot going on in my life, on multiple fronts, these last few months. As a result things have left me a little unnerved and plenty absent-minded (I could start up a separate comic blog to talk about my absent-mindedness and its crazy impacts). Enough has been happening to draw the attention of my friends. With the result that I received a concerned call from our minister yesterday, wondering if I needed a spiritual tune-up. An offer that, of course, I gladly accepted. We had breakfast this morning before service. Our minister, is indeed a gem of a person and it was a great comfort talking to her. Most importantly, she pointed out in abstract terms the different ways my life had been influenced though not radically changed in the past few months. In a way it corroborated my recent reflections about emerging patterns in my life, leading me to wonder:

Is the Universe sending me certain signals that I need to heed?

I am usually given to living my life in a some-what organized fashion, an organization that is usually bounded by the daily jumble, toss and tumble. Lately, I have been standing back and in re-evaluating the bigger picture I am beginning to find certain emerging patterns.

For example, how specific topics of conversation arise on different occasions in completely different companies, without my own initiative, and how each such conversation seems to be a continuation of the previous one. When I think of such discussions, the people involved in the discussion become a blur. The only thing that remains with me is the harmony and easy flow in the discussion sequence. Its as if, I am having a conversation with the Universal Consciousness, and the Universe is engaging me over and over again through friends and strangers, challenging me to look beyond the obvious.

Of course, the cynic in me wrinkles the nose (we have only one!) and says ... "Nonsense! You will find patterns when you are looking for one." Which is true ... but then why would we want to look for a specific pattern? An untimely death of a friend, a personal experience that took me close to being severly injured if not dead, the unexplained deaths of at least 2 friendships, spiritual deaths at work and other such episodes that have brought abrupt endings without closure seem to be coinciding with conversations that pertain to 'the passage' often... and with people who have no idea about these happenings in my life. Well... thats when I start identifying a pattern, and duely find one.

Whether its the Universe engaging me in a conversation or me consciously connecting dots on the slate of my experiences, there certainly is an emergent pattern that cannot be ignored.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Pride week

Celebrate diversity with pride ...

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Monday, June 12, 2006

Home at last

Its been a month since the fire. And I have just finished unpacking my last box, and putting it away into my storage unit in the basement. All the laundry is done as well and things seem to be smelling less and less of the smoke. In fact I feel that I am at last home again since that night.

In between there were 2 weeks of business trips, a wedding in Houston, the unfortunate and untimely demise of a very respected mentor, friend and colleague and finally a crisis at work consisting of lots of flared tempers! Lots of disorientation all in the course of a month.

But as I said... I am feeling stable and at home once again, typing in my blog, sipping a glass of red wine and listening to the BBC World. Of course, home feels a little empty, given that my new apartment has a lot more space than my previous apartment. So currently most of my living-dining space is looking like a football field.

Of course, the time is just right to go and buy new furniture. I am planning to get a new dining set and a futon to add another living space. I am also looking for a bamboo/tissue screen and a corner bar with a couple of bar stools... Well! Well! Its going to be interesting to see how many of those I actually land up buying. I am going my old principle of not buying used furniture...

I have a few good ideas to write about tonight... but I am sooooo tired !

Later!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Working from Ho...

No I'm not working from home. Infact, while this may sound strange, I was homeless for a week, last week because there was a fire in my apartment. (officially smoked out!!!). Just had enough time to resolve moving/slavaging issues and now I am back on the road running/driving/flying from point to point on business. Hence, I have been mostly "working from Hotel". Turning a hotel suite into an office in minutes, meeting with my students on the desk phone, sending out a zillion emails and packing up in minutes ... before taking the next flight. Most 'work' nowadays seems to be coordinating and writing. A lot of coordinating.

Strangely, the road feels like home. Driving to and fro Chicago, I've learnt where to get cheap gas and where to get good Thai food in Wisconsin. Last week, dealing with all the consequences of the fire was so stressful, getting back on the road yesterday was refreshing, nay relieving. It was like coming home at the end of a long week!

Having just moved in (all my boxes are yet unpacked) to a new apartment before I left, I wont be able to say the same when I return middle of next week.

The rest of the summer promises to be as busy.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Rocky mountain high!

Looks like I spoke too soon about Spring settling in. Lady Winter seems to be casting a last, long glance. Its cold, wet and dreary. Something in between sleet and snow seems to be beating down on my living room window and the wind is howling like a mad dog.

Anyway, I spent the last weekend vacationing up in the Canadian Rocky mountains. To start with its important to clarify that the Rockies really are walls of rock... not the traditional triangular peaks that we assume all mountains to be. Sometimes they converge in sharp jagged peaks, but often enough they take the liberty to look like ... say a table or some piece of broken furntiture that badly needs repair... Whatever shape they take, there is probably only one word that fits 'em all: Majestic.

Driving out from Calgary on the Trans Canada, as the rolling Prairies gave way to a violent urge to touch the skies and the soft corn fields exploded into bare rocks with jagged edges, I felt a strange feeling of surrender. A sense of awe mixed with a sense of extreme peace.

Awe because of the sheer natural force I beheld. 85 million years ago, two continental land masses collided and in the violence of the collision was born the Rocky mountains. To this day they bear testimony to the catastrophic incident ... ocean floor rising thousands of feet, killing all in its wake. Over the years, the forces of wind and water have lovingly carressed, carved and sculpted each mountain into a unique figure ... many jagged edges have been smoothed and corners rounded ... yet many remain.

Standing thus, in front of such a magnificent display of force, change and the passage of time, I could not help feeling the very insignificance of our lives. All of human history ... its' constant embattlements and suffering, its' constant search for the divine,its' quest to know, control and conquer, to seek love and glory ... seemed to be minuscule. While we tend to forget and often resist, our fates and destinies are also part of this continuous process of change. It gives new perspectives to what we consider immediate and what we consider unimportant and distant. It made me wonder if our short temporal windows to existence and life often robbed us of the bigger picture that we live within.

Somewhere from that feeling of surrender, I felt a surge of joy. As if all my fears were gone, all my mistakes had been forgiven and the wide world was throwing open its arms in a gesture of welcome. I was no more tied by my history, limited by my ambitions, or defined by my self. Instead, as I gazed at the walls of rock, I felt like I was one with them, one of them, included and welcomed. In that brief moment all the world and I shared a dialogue that celebrated all our diversity and similarity. The pine trees, the beetles, the elk, the azure lakes, the smell of sulphur in the mountain caves, the bears seeking honey ...

I felt one with the universe, atuned to the rhythms that throbbed through all of it.

I felt love.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Spring ...

... has indeed arrived. A few obstinate patches of snow on the ski-hill trace the swish of Lady Winter's frigid cloak as she retreats and Spring with its verdant promise gently traipses in.

Spring showers, quick and short ... sunshine, peeping in between the clouds, playing hide and seek, getting caught in errant water droplets and bursting out into beautiful rainbows, like the irresistable joy in the laughter of youth. The springs and creeks overflow with the same joy as they gurgle and meander through the woods and gush into the lake. The lake is impatient. She is finally free to ebb and flow in ancient celestial rhythms and dance with the wind, having finally broken free from the frigid spell of winter. The ground is warm and wet with potential and bears good news as the first saplings spring to life. Of course, our animal friends are waking up from their wintry slumbers too. Deer, black bears, possums, rabbits ... and of course the ubiquitous worms and spiders. April is here, who knows what spendid plenties Summer will yield.

The seeds I started a couple of weeks back have all germinated under my make-shift greenhouse in one corner of my living room. Corriander, cilantro, basil, tomatoes and a bevy of flowering marigolds and blue love mists. In a week they will be ready to be transfered to the garden (hopefully, Lady Winter will not look back and spare us a late frost or worse, a spring snow storm!). I am surprised at how many of the seeds germinated. The little saplings are jostling for space as they crane their weak stems towards sunlight ... i.e. 2 incandescent GE lamps!! (Ah! the naivete of childhood)

The school year has drawn to a close. The chaos of finals weeks dawns on us tomorrow. The final mad rush before we mellow down and settle into the summer term. Much as I am looking forward to the comparative quiet of the summer time, and the peace and quiet to work on research, it always feels sad to bid the students farewell. Much as I complain about how impossible it is to write a paper when students pop in every five minutes with questions, I will miss the fervour and enthusiasm that such questions come with.

Among other things, yesterday I walked a black labrador (I spend Saturday afternoons at the Humane Society, finding solace in doggy breath and feline whiskers) called Susie. As soon as I met her she made it very clear to me that the Design Process(!) that created her had made a terrible mistake. She did not like the idea of crawling on all fours and was extremely vexed that she could not stand up on her hind legs ... I mean, her feet (Sorry, Susie!) shake paws, look at you in the eyes and generously lick your face. (Maybe, Susie is starting the Canis Erectus line!). I agreed with her, so everytime she ran down the hill and jumped straight up to my chest (I love you Susie, and you did bowl me over more than you needed to!) I had to hold her paws while she genrously licked every square inch of my face.

There is nothing more genuine and unconditional in the animal kingdom than a generous lick and doggy breath. It is unembarrased, unprepared, nothing held back, a simple gesture of unassumed affection. We mouth freshner popping humans have a lesson to learn.

In the mean time, go find someone to lick... I mean kiss, Spring is in the air :)

Saturday, April 01, 2006

You never know!

In my last reasonable post I had a sense of apprehension... a feeling that something was waiting to happen ... strangely enough, something did happen :) Its been almost 3 months and I don't want to go into long drawn details but a quick glimpse follows:

Driving down on a snowy night to Chicago ... catching a glimpse of the moon through a crack in the clouds

The plane landing at the airport ... trepidation, excitment...

San Francisco.

Holding hands.

San Francisco again.

Driving down to Monterey, while listening to a mix of Hindi pop ... looking for a fair trade coffee shop... almost getting lost and late ... almost!

Entertaining guests on the night of the Oscars.

Sunsets.

Frying puris ... and not being able to keep up withhow fast they were getting eaten up!

Quiet evenings spent in the warmth of candles and the essence of sandalwood ...

Life has changed. Of course the usual stuff happened in this whilrwind, teaching, writing proposals, grading, meetings, church ... life goes on, a little bit sweeter :)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Am-a-sham, Big-at-Babble

Clip-n-Clap, Clippety Cloppety
Chomp Chomp,
Chump-a-Dump
Dump-a-dandy, Draw-a-Doodle
Didik-Di-Dai, Di-Dai, Di-Dai
Eeeks-cheeks,
Fie-Fo-Fum
Fiddle-diddle, Geeky-Googly
Higgledy-piggledy, Hanky-panky,
Hoity-toity,
Iffity-jiffity,
Jolly-kolly, Kinky-pinky
Kick-a-po-poo, Lick-a-loo-too
Loony-toony,
Moon-a-toon
Nickel-tickle, Oompa-loompa
Oops-a-daisy, Pompety Pom,
Peggy-ooo-lear,
Quench-a-Quickie
Rompety Romp, Rouse-a-rabble
Stomp-a-tromp, Tweety-tweet
Tickled-pink,
Ugly-tugly
Voodoo-shoodu, Volume-sholume
Wink-at-a-twink, Wobble-a-wonk
Xylo-phylo
Yikes-tikes
Zinga-Zoonga, all in Zest!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Tomorrow!

My life is becoming like a movie in which nothing-really-happens and yet there is a constant tension seething under the covers. Like slowly moving molten magma under a volcanic dome ... a deferential silence maintained as the imminent explosion is patiently expected.

I am nervous with apprehension ... it wakes me up at night and startles me during the day. Sometimes I look forward to what may happen with joy, at other times I am afraid and want time to freeze so that I will never have to go beyond the 'now'. Most of the time I vascillate between cynicism and gratitude... My cynicism, because its going to be yet another day in a life in which nothing-really-happens, is quickly replaced by thankfulness when I think of all the horrible things that might happen ... because nice things happen seldom. And so with my baggage of joy, fear, cynicism and gratitude, all rolled into a neat rucksack, I traipse through time.

And yet, I hope ... while I wait patiently ...
Like Patience on a monument,
Green and yellow with melancholy

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Nothing in particular

Its been one of those weekends. Started off with a Friday evening at the bar where I stayed too long and babbled a lot more than I should have. I wish I could control myself a little more and be a little less opinionated. Anyway, the damage is done!

Saturday morning: went skiing for a few hours. It was followed by an enjoyable lunch with friends. Other than that I officially brooded through the weekend. Took care of chores such as laundry, but got NO work done. School starts tomorrow and I feel like I haven't had enough of a break.

K' very kindly gave me 2 packs of frozen blackberries yesterday, which had defrosted by the time I got home, and needed immediate attention to avoid a rot. I had initially intended to bake a blackberry pie, but being too lazy, I decided to blend them into a juice that I could use as a health drink (!). But laziness seldom pays. The blended blackberries were so dense that it was barely drink-worthy. It also ruined all chances of making a pie of the berries and made the rot-meter reading even more critical. So I ended up baking a blackberry-almond cake... thats an almond cake with 2 cups of flour, 2 cups of sugar, 3 eggs, 1 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp vanilla extract, a drop of lime juice, the blended backberries and of course the almonds, baked for 45 minutes at 375F. It turned out pretty well. It went from being the disaster of the weekend to making a last minute sharp turn to be the brightest spot.

Oh well!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Yet again...

The Holiday season is over. The New Year is here. The following lines, adapted from Howard Thurman come to mind:

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of the holydays begins:

To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry,
To release the prisoner,
To rebuild nations,
To bring peace among
brothers and sisters,

To make music in the heart.

Even as we bid farewell to the old order and usher in the new, most things remain the same. The opposites of love and hate continue to battle everyday as human history is written and re-written, every moment, in the blood of the fallen warriors. A history that weaves together the joys of the victor and the ignominy of the vanquished and all else in between, producing a garment of many hues that relates the pain of the living and the beauty of life ... the music in our hearts.

Its still snowing and we have a long grey winter ahead, before the varied hues of spring take over.