My vacation week ...

This is officially my "Vacation week" - 2nd week in August, 2 weeks before classes start. (Officially called the calm before the storm!)

I am not visiting anywhere (Thank you - I travel enough for business) - the idea of waking up late and flopping around the house doesn't particularly appeal to me either. So this vacation week effectively becomes - leaving work before 5pm (OK! 4:00pm)!! It may sound pathetic, but I find it really relaxing to go to work and leave before 5pm. I do not having to worry about any deadlines, or feel the chill of guilt that invariably settles in when I don't work for longer than a day.

Also - after I leave work at 5pm, I take my dogs for a walk in the woods. This is the favorite part of my vacation. Bert and Ernie look forward to me coming home. They start jumping up and down (believe me its a site to watch!) when they see my car pulling in. I usually sit in the drive way for a few minutes just to get them even more excited from anticipation - and then they hop into the back seat and off we go to the trails. I use this opportunity to catch up on Podcasts of 'This American Life' and 'Selected Shorts' - two of my favorite radio programs. Bert and Ernie run along ahead - Ernie insists on leading the way - poor Bert tries to keep up with him, but half way through the trail, encumbered by his ample belly, he usually falls back!

One of the joys of a Northern summer is that the sun sets very late (its usually dusk as late as 11pm in mid July) - that leaves an ample evening ahead. I cooked last night (chiken chaap, matar paneer and dal fry) - and we grilled the night before. So tonight I decided to sit on the deck and sip my gin & tonic while enjoying the vibrant evening.

Summer evenings are full of unseen activity. The wind rustling through the leaves, a rodent scampering away into the bushes in the far corner of the yard (inviting a growl from Bert and a look of annoyance from Ernie!), the smell of grilled meat and vegetables wafting in from a neighbor's yard, voices, a couple walking down the street wheeling a stroller (or two), the sun playfully bouncing off the surface of my drink and glinting at me through the glass ... I close my eyes and let it all flow around me, enjoying the activity - feeling like a rock in a fast flowing river! And then a bug bites me!! Splat! Summer :)

Ironically, August is the busiest month for T' - so he is back home around 8pm. After dinner we usually settle down in front of the TV - and now as I blog, he is editing some stuff on his laptop, while Bert and Ernie are watching TV. As I look out of the window, I see the dark silhouette of the maple tree in our backyard gently swaying in the pink and blue smear of dusk.

Dusk is my favorite part of summer. She slips into the evening and melts into the short night - you never know the exact moment that marks her arrival or her departure. The short soothing reprieve between the activity of the evening and the Milky-Way splattered silence of night.

Another thing about vacation - blogging without caring about tense, spelling, coherence ...

Nostalgia

Warning: This post is like an idle river - it meanders, digresses and aimlessly wanders reflecting little more than the blue sky above.

The other day Orange was complaining about not finding love. When I read his post I was reminded of my twenties - my grad school days! Yeah, all my friends were getting married left, right and center, climbing the corporate ladder - and there was I, slogging away in my lab - nay, finding refuge in my work because nothing else made sense.

I went through an identity crisis and in order to resolve it (as all good engineers should) I resorted to a systematic deconstruction and reconstruction of my identity. And one thing that came off this process was, that my brand sparkling new-age identity had not only retained, but rediscovered with vigor my Bengali identity - specifically defined by the works of thinkers and poets who laid the foundation of liberal modern thought in Bengal back between 1800-1940. My exciting discovery of that history can be left for another blog post. And my love for the expression of universalism in Tagore's poetry and music was renewed. I rediscovered him as an universalist, rather than as obligatory listening because I was born Bengali!

But anyway, going back to Orange's post it reminded me of one of Tagore's songs (now you see why I had to explain the identity business) that has always been very close to my heart and during those cold nights back in grad school, it often cheered me up. The song is -



I am no good at translating - but long and short of it is that the poet wonders, what is love? is it indeed the pain and longing that defines it? or is it not the freedom and joy it affords us?

I was quite surprised to find this video - its from a movie that dates back to the 60s, based on a story set in the late 19th century (I think!). Growing up this scene was one of my favorite movie scenes.

Soon after watching this You Tube video I quickly went through a whole bunch of my favorites that I had not seen in a long time and had no clue were available on You Tube ... as I reveled in the black and white glory of old Bengali movies - I felt a sense of nostalgia - nostalgia for a time gone by, a time of relative innocence! Do I want us to go back there - no! But it reminds me of a time in my own life back when I was in Calcutta and life was simpler - much simpler. And maybe I associate these tunes with the innocence of my childhood and the memory of a city that has changed her name and her character since.

Then again, may be things haven't changed so much after all. After all the songs are still relevant, if a wee bit different.

Consider the following:



and:



Also as I wallowed in the music and the poetry, I couldn't help noticing the three different attires in the three videos - ranging between the late 19th century to the early twenty first century.

So much has changed and we still hum the same tunes our grandparents took solace in.

... or maybe I'm just plain old-fashioned!

The Garden of Eden

Its a lazy Sunday evening - the dogs are cuddled up at my feet, T' is lounging around on the other couch - there is a gentle breeze - the sun is shining bright - we are watching Mamma Mia for the one thousandth time - the tunes are always fresh and Meryl Streep is lovely as ever - and I've always had a secret crush on Collin Firth! Life feels good and relaxed and perfect ...

... then there is that voice at the back of my head reminding me of all the work that needs to be done - all the WORK!! Same damn voice that has been hauting me since I can remember - school board exam, school certificate exam, all the tests and exams in College (probably the most irresponsible I've ever been), the never ending drama of grad school, and then proposals, papers, students, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines - seems like I could develop a discrete event simulation of my life based on deadlines and predict the future within a 95% confidence interval! Grrrrr!!!

... and as I watch this movie about people coming of age - maturing - after having spent a youth of irresponsible joyful abandon - I wonder where my share of "irresponsible joyful flings" and craziness went? Instead it seems to me all my life I have been trying to do the damn responsible thing - and I think I have (till this moment, when I am choosing to blog instead of working on my proposal!) been mostly responsible!

... and even now when I have the view to the Garden right in front of me - all I do is wonder and worry about the next proposal, the next paper and so on ... is there an end to this?

Maybe the Garden of Eden is and always was right in front our very damn noses - if only we could stop worrying about tomorrow and lived in the beauty of today ...

... so for tonight, I shall let the voice rest and simply be!!

So ...

So - I was not sure that I'd live to see this day - so I guess, I need to be a lot more optimistic and expect more from life :)

I think the Delhi HC decision is a must read for anybody interested in the morality and legality of issues related to human dignity, human rights and all those wonderful things we all hope and pray for. May I quote a few striking passages:

"... it is clear that the constitutional protection of dignity requires us to
acknowledge the value and worth of all individuals as members of our society. It recognises a person as a free being who develops his or her body and mind as he or she sees fit. At the root of the dignity is the autonomy of the private will and a person's freedom of choice and of action. Human dignity rests on recognition of the physical and spiritual integrity of the human being, his or her humanity, and his value as a person, irrespective of the utility he can provide to others. The expression “dignity of the individual” finds specific mention in the Preamble to the Constitution of India. V.R. Krishna Iyer, J. observed that the guarantee of human dignity forms part of our constitutional culture ..." (para 26: WP(C)7455/2001)

" ... The right to privacy thus has been held to protect a “private space in which man may become and remain himself”. The ability to do so is exercised in accordance with individual autonomy. ... The privacy recognises that we all have a right to a sphere of private intimacy and autonomy which allows us to establish and nurture human relationships without interference from the outside community. The way in which one gives expression to one's sexuality is at the core of this area of private intimacy. " (para 41: WP(C)7455/2001)

and then comes the killer:

" ... For every individual, whether homosexual or not, the sense of gender and sexual orientation of the person are so embedded in the individual that the individual carries this aspect of his or her identity wherever he or she goes. A person cannot leave behind his sense of gender or sexual orientation at home. While recognising the unique worth of each person, the Constitution does not presuppose that a holder of rights is as an isolated, lonely and abstract figure possessing a disembodied and socially disconnected self. It acknowledges that people live in their bodies, their communities, their cultures, their places and their times. The expression of sexuality requires a partner, real or imagined. It is not for the state to choose or to arrange the choice of partner, but for the partners to choose themselves." (para 47: WP(C)7455/2001)

and strikingly on morality:

"Thus popular morality or public disapproval of certain acts is not a valid justification for restriction of the fundamental rights under Article 21. Popular morality, as distinct from a constitutional morality derived from constitutional values, is based on shifting and subjecting notions of right and wrong. If there is any type of “morality” that can pass the test of compelling state interest, it must be “constitutional” morality and not public morality. This aspect of constitutional morality was strongly insisted upon by Dr. Ambedkar in the Constituent Assembly." (para 79: WP(C)7455/2001) (please do read the specifics of Dr. Ambedkar's words)

"The Constitution of India recognises, protects and celebrates diversity. To stigmatise or to criminalise homosexuals only on account of their sexual orientation would be against the constitutional morality." (para 80: WP(C)7455/2001)

He bases his judgement on zillion cases from across the world and India (notably among then Roe v. Wade, Lawrence v. Texas, UNHRC reports) - very articulate - simply amazing. IPC 377 still holds in all matters involving minors and non-consensual sex. (It may be a bit troubling, but 377 is apparently the only law on the books protecting minors!)

So I will raise a toast to the author(s) of this judgment and the clarity of thought and intellect that went into writing this document! So here's to Chief Justice S. Muralidhar and the Delhi HC.

Having afforded ourselves that brief moment of joy - may I point out the following:

1. There is that nagging voice at the back of my head saying something about counting our eggs before .... or was it something about chickens .... never mind!

2. On a related note - I took a screen shot of the TOI web page (as of 9:30pm, US-EST). I think its important to put the afore-mentioned wonderfully written decision in the context of other relevant privacy issues. Look closely at the article about the investigation into Muslim boy- Hindu girl marriages as there may be a conspiracy afoot, the assurance that "gayness does not spread like the flu" and even as the "swine flu" claims its first victim, "US stocks plunge on dismal job figures" ... and so life goes on!


Just saying ....

Raising a glass to the victories and joys of the day - while hoping to see many many more such victories in our lives, and in the lives of beleaguered brethren of all sorts and stripes!

Painful!

It is extremely painful when a student passes away - often when they have been involved in an accident. The loss is terrible, of course, for the parents. While it is unlikely I'll ever be a parent, I think its terrible to have to bury your own children. And for the rest of us, its terrible to helplessly witness the parents' pain and at the same time feel the terrible loss of potential - of promise.

This morning we woke up to the very sad news of one of my partner's student staff members being killed last night in a freak motor accident. He was 19. I had met him on a couple of occasions when he came home to help us with his gardening ideas for our flower beds. We took him out to dinner at Pizza Hut afterwards - and it was such a joy to listen to him talk about his plans, as he flashed his million dollar smile (which seems to be what everybody remembers of him). He was gay, so T' and I, joked about our relationship, warning him of what he had to look forward to. If only ...

I will think of him everytime the flowers bloom.

Patience

This afternoon as I sat in my study, trying to get some writing done, resisting distractions such as: new incoming email (some of which require urgent attention), a new bird at the bird bath in the rose garden, new incoming email, a news update, new incoming email ... It struck me that I am in a phase of my life when I am waiting for all sorts of things to happen. Patiently waiting, quietly working and fervently hoping that it all works out. Waiting for journal papers to get accepted, proposals to be funded, various paper work related issues to get resolved, systems to work, project engineers to communicate - the list is long. The word 'Pending' seems to be written large across almost every aspect of my life.

And yet, I am not unhappy. As I look out at the peaceful scene outside my study window, I realize I have lots to be thankful for - just not enough patience for all the pending issues to be resolved. Meanwhile, it seems like the wait is distracting me from getting work done and enjoying the NOW. Its as if visions of the future are holding the present ransom. Given that I develop simulations for a living, I can't help running 'what-if's in my head all the time, forgetting that somehow I am sacrificing today and shaping tomorrow even as I try to prepare and plan for it.

On the same note, last Sunday, Bert and Ernie (our adorable Dachshunds) chased a squirrel up one of the trees that border a modest rose garden in our front yard. After that, they both sat- taking turns to stay on gaurd - under the tree for an hour and a half patiently waiting for the squirrel to come down. When it finally did come down - they chased it under the deck!! I was amazed at their single minded perseverance and patience! Unfortunately, they didn't get to enjoy the beautiful afternoon (read put their nose in every nook and corner!), and eventually the squirrel eluded them too!

I guess I should just focus on the now - realize that the future simply, is.

The Object of Desire

Patience

"Your Turn!"

Ooops! Did I just lose it?