The Garden of Eden

Its a lazy Sunday evening - the dogs are cuddled up at my feet, T' is lounging around on the other couch - there is a gentle breeze - the sun is shining bright - we are watching Mamma Mia for the one thousandth time - the tunes are always fresh and Meryl Streep is lovely as ever - and I've always had a secret crush on Collin Firth! Life feels good and relaxed and perfect ...

... then there is that voice at the back of my head reminding me of all the work that needs to be done - all the WORK!! Same damn voice that has been hauting me since I can remember - school board exam, school certificate exam, all the tests and exams in College (probably the most irresponsible I've ever been), the never ending drama of grad school, and then proposals, papers, students, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines - seems like I could develop a discrete event simulation of my life based on deadlines and predict the future within a 95% confidence interval! Grrrrr!!!

... and as I watch this movie about people coming of age - maturing - after having spent a youth of irresponsible joyful abandon - I wonder where my share of "irresponsible joyful flings" and craziness went? Instead it seems to me all my life I have been trying to do the damn responsible thing - and I think I have (till this moment, when I am choosing to blog instead of working on my proposal!) been mostly responsible!

... and even now when I have the view to the Garden right in front of me - all I do is wonder and worry about the next proposal, the next paper and so on ... is there an end to this?

Maybe the Garden of Eden is and always was right in front our very damn noses - if only we could stop worrying about tomorrow and lived in the beauty of today ...

... so for tonight, I shall let the voice rest and simply be!!

So ...

So - I was not sure that I'd live to see this day - so I guess, I need to be a lot more optimistic and expect more from life :)

I think the Delhi HC decision is a must read for anybody interested in the morality and legality of issues related to human dignity, human rights and all those wonderful things we all hope and pray for. May I quote a few striking passages:

"... it is clear that the constitutional protection of dignity requires us to
acknowledge the value and worth of all individuals as members of our society. It recognises a person as a free being who develops his or her body and mind as he or she sees fit. At the root of the dignity is the autonomy of the private will and a person's freedom of choice and of action. Human dignity rests on recognition of the physical and spiritual integrity of the human being, his or her humanity, and his value as a person, irrespective of the utility he can provide to others. The expression “dignity of the individual” finds specific mention in the Preamble to the Constitution of India. V.R. Krishna Iyer, J. observed that the guarantee of human dignity forms part of our constitutional culture ..." (para 26: WP(C)7455/2001)

" ... The right to privacy thus has been held to protect a “private space in which man may become and remain himself”. The ability to do so is exercised in accordance with individual autonomy. ... The privacy recognises that we all have a right to a sphere of private intimacy and autonomy which allows us to establish and nurture human relationships without interference from the outside community. The way in which one gives expression to one's sexuality is at the core of this area of private intimacy. " (para 41: WP(C)7455/2001)

and then comes the killer:

" ... For every individual, whether homosexual or not, the sense of gender and sexual orientation of the person are so embedded in the individual that the individual carries this aspect of his or her identity wherever he or she goes. A person cannot leave behind his sense of gender or sexual orientation at home. While recognising the unique worth of each person, the Constitution does not presuppose that a holder of rights is as an isolated, lonely and abstract figure possessing a disembodied and socially disconnected self. It acknowledges that people live in their bodies, their communities, their cultures, their places and their times. The expression of sexuality requires a partner, real or imagined. It is not for the state to choose or to arrange the choice of partner, but for the partners to choose themselves." (para 47: WP(C)7455/2001)

and strikingly on morality:

"Thus popular morality or public disapproval of certain acts is not a valid justification for restriction of the fundamental rights under Article 21. Popular morality, as distinct from a constitutional morality derived from constitutional values, is based on shifting and subjecting notions of right and wrong. If there is any type of “morality” that can pass the test of compelling state interest, it must be “constitutional” morality and not public morality. This aspect of constitutional morality was strongly insisted upon by Dr. Ambedkar in the Constituent Assembly." (para 79: WP(C)7455/2001) (please do read the specifics of Dr. Ambedkar's words)

"The Constitution of India recognises, protects and celebrates diversity. To stigmatise or to criminalise homosexuals only on account of their sexual orientation would be against the constitutional morality." (para 80: WP(C)7455/2001)

He bases his judgement on zillion cases from across the world and India (notably among then Roe v. Wade, Lawrence v. Texas, UNHRC reports) - very articulate - simply amazing. IPC 377 still holds in all matters involving minors and non-consensual sex. (It may be a bit troubling, but 377 is apparently the only law on the books protecting minors!)

So I will raise a toast to the author(s) of this judgment and the clarity of thought and intellect that went into writing this document! So here's to Chief Justice S. Muralidhar and the Delhi HC.

Having afforded ourselves that brief moment of joy - may I point out the following:

1. There is that nagging voice at the back of my head saying something about counting our eggs before .... or was it something about chickens .... never mind!

2. On a related note - I took a screen shot of the TOI web page (as of 9:30pm, US-EST). I think its important to put the afore-mentioned wonderfully written decision in the context of other relevant privacy issues. Look closely at the article about the investigation into Muslim boy- Hindu girl marriages as there may be a conspiracy afoot, the assurance that "gayness does not spread like the flu" and even as the "swine flu" claims its first victim, "US stocks plunge on dismal job figures" ... and so life goes on!


Just saying ....

Raising a glass to the victories and joys of the day - while hoping to see many many more such victories in our lives, and in the lives of beleaguered brethren of all sorts and stripes!

Painful!

It is extremely painful when a student passes away - often when they have been involved in an accident. The loss is terrible, of course, for the parents. While it is unlikely I'll ever be a parent, I think its terrible to have to bury your own children. And for the rest of us, its terrible to helplessly witness the parents' pain and at the same time feel the terrible loss of potential - of promise.

This morning we woke up to the very sad news of one of my partner's student staff members being killed last night in a freak motor accident. He was 19. I had met him on a couple of occasions when he came home to help us with his gardening ideas for our flower beds. We took him out to dinner at Pizza Hut afterwards - and it was such a joy to listen to him talk about his plans, as he flashed his million dollar smile (which seems to be what everybody remembers of him). He was gay, so T' and I, joked about our relationship, warning him of what he had to look forward to. If only ...

I will think of him everytime the flowers bloom.

Patience

This afternoon as I sat in my study, trying to get some writing done, resisting distractions such as: new incoming email (some of which require urgent attention), a new bird at the bird bath in the rose garden, new incoming email, a news update, new incoming email ... It struck me that I am in a phase of my life when I am waiting for all sorts of things to happen. Patiently waiting, quietly working and fervently hoping that it all works out. Waiting for journal papers to get accepted, proposals to be funded, various paper work related issues to get resolved, systems to work, project engineers to communicate - the list is long. The word 'Pending' seems to be written large across almost every aspect of my life.

And yet, I am not unhappy. As I look out at the peaceful scene outside my study window, I realize I have lots to be thankful for - just not enough patience for all the pending issues to be resolved. Meanwhile, it seems like the wait is distracting me from getting work done and enjoying the NOW. Its as if visions of the future are holding the present ransom. Given that I develop simulations for a living, I can't help running 'what-if's in my head all the time, forgetting that somehow I am sacrificing today and shaping tomorrow even as I try to prepare and plan for it.

On the same note, last Sunday, Bert and Ernie (our adorable Dachshunds) chased a squirrel up one of the trees that border a modest rose garden in our front yard. After that, they both sat- taking turns to stay on gaurd - under the tree for an hour and a half patiently waiting for the squirrel to come down. When it finally did come down - they chased it under the deck!! I was amazed at their single minded perseverance and patience! Unfortunately, they didn't get to enjoy the beautiful afternoon (read put their nose in every nook and corner!), and eventually the squirrel eluded them too!

I guess I should just focus on the now - realize that the future simply, is.

The Object of Desire

Patience

"Your Turn!"

Ooops! Did I just lose it?

Then and now!

It was during the summer of 1998, Calcutta.

Two guys - about 20 years of age - perched on a railing bordering Minto Park, watching the busy traffic rush by, at the intersection of Loudon Street, Landsdowne Road and Lower Circular Road.

This was back when Calcutta summers were muggy, but bearable. It was sunny, the temperature was probably in the 90s.

They sat there in silence - if silence is possible at a busy intersection. Traffic rushing in from each direction, moving in rhythm to the play of the air horns that provided the tenor (taxis) and the base (big buses belching out black smoke and lumbering on), while the electric horns on the newer cars complemented with the alto and the soprano (the really fancy foreign cars). The traffic police stood in the middle of this din and conducted the smooth harmonic flow. But the two of them sat there in silence.

One of them, lets call him A, was back home from college after an amazingly unremarkable and completely forgettable semester, while the other, lets call him J, was bunking afternoon lab. at the local college that he was attending. They had gone to high school together and were good friends. Not long ago, after graduating from high school, their paths had diverged, but the friendship hadn't waned. Their circumstances had significantly changed, though. The flying colors that each had graduated with had faded to a very sad gray. The "we are winners" look was a shadow of its earlier self. The smiles had somewhat hardened - the perfect picture of disillusioned youth.

The question at hand was - now what?? Where were they headed? College seemed to be a bit of a drag for both and the road ahead seemed uncertain and chaotic. Hence the silent contemplation.

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11 years later - probably on the very same summer day, in another part of the world - a place where fall foliage is vibrant, winters are long and the light lingers late on summer evenings.

Scanning the morning news on the NYT webpage, A comes across the picture of a model in a pop-up advertisement. Reminds him of J. How odd - they hadn't spoken in over ten years. Indeed, their lives did diverge. The distance yawned, till each became a memory to the other. Till of course the errant ad. popped up.

A facebook search and a friend request followed.

Later in the afternoon - A was running through J's profile and his network. Photographs of old school buddies, wives, children - Both A and J seemed to have figured a way to navigate the last 11 years. The colors seemed to have returned - or at least they did not need them anymore. Instead they seemed to sport genuine smiles that said "Oh! Well - !?"

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The memory of that afternoon in Calcutta, 11 years ago remains vivid yet!

The illusion of stasis

Its that time of the year again. The semester has come to an end - even the grading pile is winding down. Everything seems to be in a state of transition, as students graduate, or go off for the summer. Packing boxes and U-haul trucks dot the residence hall parking lots, and the late night bus leaving town is now in demand.

One of the joys of being a teacher is watching students grow and evolve. Sometimes the growth happens in an 'ah-ha' moment - sometimes it happens gradually, often slowly, but always surely, over months and years. Often we merely watch the growth - sometimes we have the joy of being part of it. Hence, this time of the year has a bitter-sweet feel to it - bidding farewell to students, while sharing their joys of graduation - often sharing it with their parents who are here for commencement.

On a personal note, this year I said goodbye to my first PhD student - who has started a post-doc elsewhere. Two of my MS students also graduated and even though each of them had very different trajectories - they are both in excellent jobs and one of them has also gotten married. The term 'commencement' is appropriately used for the graduation ceremony - it is indeed the beginning of a new chapter for all of them.

For those of us who call this town our home, this time of the year marks a transition from classes to research and the joys of summer. Part of us is looking forward to the exodus - waiting to reclaim the brewery deck, plotting out our long summer evenings, rooting for the final blot of snow to melt away, and the buds on the trees to finally bloom - finally making winter a distant dream. Summer beckons - but so does yard work :)

As we watch students reach milestones in their lives and negotiate marked transitions, we often miss the subtle changes and transitions we are negotiating in our own lives. My partnership with T' has entered a phase of quiet comfort. We fight the same fights over and over again - often breaking out into laughter half way through in anticipation of the predictable responses. 3 Macs, a wedding, a few fancy cast iron pots, and a programmable coffee brewer later, we lost a few pounds, gained a few pant sizes and some gray hair, and have had lots of good times.

By the time the students are back it'll be time for the north winds to blow again, and we'll be getting ready for yet another year. We'll go back to our classrooms and forget about these transitions - the students in my junior class will still be 19, just as they were last year and just as they will be next year. Once again we'll get swept up in the rhythm of the academic year, where nothing seems to change. Once again we'll be deluded by the illusion of stasis.

In the mean time - order me a Gin Mojito and lets look forward to summer 08 - i mean summer 09.