Snowy Feathers

Yesterday morning, I went bird watching in the lovely snowy woods with K. As she pointed out, in doing so we joined the Audubon Scoiety's international Christmas Bird Count. For most of the part we bushwhacked, me in snoe shoes and K on X-country skiis. The time was indeed very well spent. The woods were beautiful and quiet. The snow formations on the bare branches reminded us of all sorts of things - ranging from candy and marsh mellows to shaving cream :)

But really the most gorgeous part of it all was the pervasive softness ... I do not want to refer to it as silence, because there was the hush of the falling snow, the shush of a gentle breeze making the trees shower us with snow, the muffle of the water in the stream, the shuffle of life amidst a scene that loves to hide it behind its thick white silky drapes ... all of those silent sounds and visions cummulatively forming a soft and deep wonder. The evidence of life when it peeped out of the drapes was music to the ears, the chick-a-dee-dee of the chickadees and the chuk-chuk of the woodpeckers, not to mention the regular grid patterns on the tree trunks giving away the art work of so many woodpeckers that inhabit the wintry woods.

Of course winter in all her beauty is pregnant (only slightly so right now, but growing...) with certain negativities that result in my shoveling woes (or should I say scooping woes... the scoop is post-shovel) ... but hey, this might eventually give me those 6-packs I hear so much about!

Seeking freedom... again!

I had gone to bed and not being able to sleep... started listeing to my thoughts. Couldn't not note some of them.

I saw the trailer of 'Brokeback Mountain' online today. Very touching. I am scared of watching the movie. Maybe I won't. That scene in the trailer where he holds the shirt and jacket ... memories flood back, hits too close to home ... enough said, the movie has made its mark on me already.

I was thinking to myself, there can be two kinds of situations (states) related to 'relationships' (the 'R-word' as one of my friends used to say) one is when you are in a fulfiling one, we shall call it the Value state and the other is when you are in a situation of unreciprocated love, a state we shall refer to as the Pain state. Typically people vascillate between these two states, often within the same relationship, sometimes across different relationships.

What happens when you are in neither of those states? Its a strange feeling. Like an untethered boat drifting down the river, at the mercy of the tides ... sometimes gently floating downstream, sometimes being dashed agianst rocks in the rapids. Often such a state is referred to as 'being free.' But in reality, there is no freedom when the boat really is at the mercy of the tides. Just momentary starts and rushes ... wasted energy with no necessary direction. Freedom lies, indeed, in the vascilation between the Value and the Pain. It is the freedom to feel... to feel human, instead of retiring all your faculties that deal with feeling.

While I complain not about my life, I do sometimes long for the pain that once made me wander on grey rainy afternoons aimlessly down wooded trails, uncertain if it was the rain that moistened my cheeks, or if it was the unknown grip wrenching my heart. I dare not seek Value, but yes, I do long for the Pain... it once set me free.

Happy days!

Lots of good friends, fun and food. Thats the 3F rule :)

4 years and counting . . .

Lighten up!

The Christmas tree in the town square, outside my apartment has lit up like ... you guessed it, a Christmas tree. The holidays are here. Drop by your address and I'll send you a New Years card. Meanwhile, enjoy that pie and turkey and drink an extra peg of rum for your health and mine.

The snowflake!

i sit in one corner of my living room
dimly lit by a lamp in the opposite corner
a string of colored lights line my picture window
casting a warm glow round the room

the window frames a fairy foreland
pristine white all around
the hills in the distance - white!
the wind - howling as it races down the streets
whistling as it explores new alleys, corners and niches

i sit and watch the snowflakes prance
now heading east - motivated, in a hurry
like an army storming a fort
only to stop abruptly in a swirling eddy
suddenly lost - confused
only to find direction again.

but hark! it is not confusion
it is but a dance that the snowflakes dance
i see the rhythm - i listen to the music
the stopping and starting
the jaunting and jiving

i turn on a waltz and as i look out
I see - the rise and fall
now the man crisply driving,
now the woman carelessly drifting
now they both swirl into each other's arms

i wish i were a snowflake
free to flow,
free to follow the wind,
free to dance,
free to defy gravity...

even if only to eventually fall
to softly and genlty settle
to return once again to the volume
from where it all begins

i sit in one corner of my living room
dimly lit by a lamp in the opposite corner
a snowflake enjoying the dance
swaying to many tunes -
now a nocturne, now a waltz

where shall i fall?
when shall i fall?

Dogosophy

Its been a while since I last posted. Just caught up in the humdrum of life. Work, family, friends, (have got myself a bunch) chores at home, dealing with my uncle . . . all at the speed of life.

This morning a friend asked me an interesting question while we were walking. She has known me for a short while and I feel very comfortable with her, almost like I've known her for a long time. Going back to the question she asked: "Are you a recluse? You had indicated that you were. Explain why you said so." Clearly all my recent social acrobats and the number of people I tend to be friends with made her wonder why I had in the first place claimed to be a recluse.

I thought over it and realized that though I tend to think more and more of myself as a recluse, I tend to be rather extroverted and am more often prone to putting my foot in my mouth and stuffing it down my throat rather than hiding it safely in my apartment. But I think that as I have grown older, even though I continue to be a very extroverted person, I have become more and more detached from life and the people I am with. I love people and meeting them and knowing them, but never find myself bonding with them. Add to that I have no hassles spending time by myself and very often have no problems cuddling up with a book and a glass of wine (I've been doing that every evening almost) or watching a movie by myself (tons) without feeling depressed about it. So I guess I am an extrovert recluse. My friend bought my answer. :)

Among other things. I walked a basset hound this evening at the Humane Society. His name was: Sam, a complete philosopher. He lead me down a trail (very politely letting me know which direction it preferred by timely tugs) that lead to a spot on a ridge that looked down to a valley and you could see the sun setting on the opposite hills. I loved the view. Once we reached there, he sat down with his face to the sun and gave me a "and-won't-you-join-me" look. It was very very peaceful. We sat there for a little while watching the sun dip. Man and dog and nature . . . all bowing in silence to the setting sun. I hope Sam enjoyed the walk in the woods, 'cause he sure did make my day.