Snowflake

Of strangers ...

2010-05-31T19:03:00.002-06:00

There is something about strangers and strange circumstances. I enjoy finding friendships in situations when people expect to get mugged - it is like finding a beautiful garden unexpectedly, when lurking at the end of a dark alley way ... or like finding a needle in a haystack. Always makes a believer out of me.

But then we wonder why we need to lurk down dark alleyways - even when we are really looking for beautiful gardens. And in the light of introspection comes clarity - and the joy that life always leads me to beautiful gardens.

Had a wonderful week (very good weather), and a great weekend. There was a thunderstorm last night - and Ernie had to be retrieved from under the bed (he is scared of lightning). The morning was fresh and clear.

Joy!

No pot luck!

2010-02-07T13:35:00.004-07:00

I have on previous occasion pondered on the construction of individual identity. Personally it has been a very rewarding experience for me. I have borrowed a large slice from my family history, flavored it with my own experiences, lightly sauteed everything in the many interesting world influences around me, laced it with a heaped spoon full of love and humanity, a cup full of universal spirit and sympathy, and simmered all of it in a large cauldron - till it was quintessentially me.

And of course, I have always assumed that everybody else has gone through the same invigorating experience - and that life really is a pot luck where we share ourselves, learn from each other - every once in a while borrowing and further enriching our personal recipes.

So imagine my disappointment when I painfully realized that most people go through life with canned identities. Which is fine by me - even though the thought is as horrifying as canned food itself.

But people who choose canned identities have been bothering me of late. Having found fulfillment in their cans, they become incapable of thinking outside the can. As a result, they make assumptions about my identity and before I can protest, cook up a narrative about my life that couldn't be farther from the truth. Which is still OK, because who cares what they think, right? But no, they go the extra mile and make me defend this narrative that isn't even me. Or worse, they start taking decisions for me and try to apprehend my thoughts on a matter - because isn't that the what the ingredients on my cans say?? (like ensuring that my seat at the dinner table has the vegetarian tag on it - without ever having asked me if I was vegetarian!)

To put it simply, I find it oppressive. And unfortunately it brings out the worst in me. I try to defend myself, try to distance myself from this thrust upon assumed identity - try to explain ... and then just as I think I am getting into explaining the complex intersection of culture and experience - that I am reclassified into "oh he doesn't like any labels" - which soon becomes a "what a hypocrite" if I were to suggest kinship to some group - such as say, Nerds!

Annoying!

... and I am not even getting into the indignities that are thrust upon me when I visit India, where the cupboard of cans is a lot more homogeneous and neatly organized.
(For example, recently a college class mate - with whom I have not had contact in 10 years, wondered in an email why I was not married yet, and then promptly went on to satisfy himself with the explanation that Bengali men marry late - so I was still OK.)

Whats worse - the set of available cans to choose from are so inadequate - there is nothing exciting to choose from. For example, there are narrow cans that are labeled by nationality and race. That bothers me right off the bat, because it assumes homogeneity of experience based on descriptors that people have little choice in. Race is immutable - but nationality really boils down to paperwork - where as it should be based on where your life experiences lead you to live.

Then if you further examine the contents of these cans - you are left with an insipid and sometimes out right rotten fare. Like gay men are somehow not masculine - as if masculinity had anything to do with sexual orientation. (it also highlights the rather dubious definition of masculinity in relation only to femininity - rather than a set of meaningful character traits)! Ugggh!!

Anyway - I wish life was indeed a potluck, where identity was complex and constructed - rather than canned, assumed and imposed upon. It is a freedom we are all afforded, but very few are willing to indulge in.

Details ...

2010-01-14T18:28:00.003-07:00

Ughhh!!! January is my most non-favorite month of the year. The holidays are over, work is piled up, winter is wearing me down, its dark and dreary, and the news (Haiti, economy etc. etc.) is all bad.

That being said, something green came in the mail the other day - unceremoniously and unannounced in an unimpressive white envelope - and it wasn't green at all! I had been waiting for the day for all sorts of reasons - from the down right corny and emotional ones, to the steel cold rational and practical ones.

But as with anything that I look forward to with great ardor - the arrival event itself was quite anti-climactic. It was an exceptionally cold and windy day, so I had to run up the driveway from the mailbox to avoid frost-bite on my un-gloved hands (that being an unremarkable winter event for where I live). After a couple of days, I checked myself in the mirror and noticed that I still had not grown the much anticipated green horns! In fact, all said and done I remain the same - very same person. Which, on second thoughts, I feel quite happy and reassured about.

Some of my insecurities are gone - on closer scrutiny I wonder why I ever had them - but they have been replaced by new ones. The list of things to worry and obsess about are endless and so even if one pops off the list, another promptly pushes up ... then I think of the real uncertainties in all our lives. They are incomprehensible and impossible to obsess about, and dwelling on them for long could drive us either insane or to paralysis. Events like the earthquake at Haiti, bring perspective to the essentials of life and how easily everything can fall apart in a matter of seconds ... that is probably why we must pre-occupy ourselves with the trivial - if only to distract ourselves from the real and the inevitable.

But then again, if somebody, somewhere in some organization had spent time worrying about such trivial things as building codes, then maybe collapse would have been less inevitable - or at least delayed. Maybe talking about our inevitable fate is but a way of escaping responsibility from the reality of now - maybe nirvana is in the moment not in some far away non-existent spot in space. Maybe they lie when they tell us that we need to be unaffected and rise above it all. Instead, maybe the need of the hour is to drown ourselves in every trivial detail of the now. You'll know what I mean if you have seen a structural design hand book, or a regional building code!

Which brings me back to my unmarked white envelope - no matter how trivial, I guess every little thing - even the not-green thing in the unmarked envelope is worth celebrating. Celebrate today lest there be no tomorrow ...

... what were they doing when the earth shook?

Events and Refelctions

2009-11-08T11:36:00.004-07:00

I have been meaning to update my blog for the last couple of weeks but stuff has been getting in the way ... and now I have so many thoughts to register, that I do not know where to start.

Fall my favorite season of the year is almost gone. The forests were ablaze with color, the last hooray before the winter sets in. This year the weather has been a bit odd - we had an early fall snow, which melted away in a day - but left behind a cover of gray dreariness and slow drizzle that lingered right through October. And now in November - that the trees have lost all the color we have been having beautiful - albeit windy - fall days. So we are enjoying the last of a series of beautiful fall days.

I mentioned in my last post that my parents were visiting. Truth be told, I was a bit nervous before they arrived - as this was the first time they were going to see our shared life, our house and our dear pups. Would they approve? Well, I must say - it was an absolutely wonderful visit. I am very very thankful that they got along very well with my partner T' and vice-versa. Our families met each other as well - and it was such a beautiful get together. Somehow it made it all so very real - and even sacred in some sense. I am terribly proud of my parents, because in-spite of themselves, they have journeyed with me on my quest, and I feel honored to share every aspect of my life with them. While they were visiting, the four of us visited Yellowstone National Park (YNP) - and I must say YNP is the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. The trip went off quite well and I think my parents enjoyed it quite a bit. T' was enjoying all the wonderful food Ma was cooking (excepting for Karela). He seemed to like Payesh - a good old Bengali favorite - very much and has learned to make it (unfortunately I am lactose intolerant). And Ma would make it a point to make puppy sized parathas for B' and E', as well. They completely loved having Baba around - 3 walks a day does not compare with anything they have had before. It was definitely difficult to say good-bye, when their 6 week visit came to an end - we had gotten quite used to them being around.

So that was a busy and eventful fall. The best part for me was to go to sleep each night with the secure feeling that my whole world was warm and cozily tucked in under the same roof.

... and now to the reflections of the season. Just simple ones - enjoying the moment, knowing that its all we've got - and that before we know it, all will seem like a dream. I sit at my window and watch the wind sweeping the dry leaves in the yard - gathering them up in neat heaps - only to swirl them around its finger like eddies, carelessly undoing its own hard work. The wanton ways of the whistling wind speaks to me of distant lands. I hear the rhythm of drums - a harmonious blend of many narratives, punctuated by the silence of wisdom and the music of the spheres.

Fall Family Fling!

2009-10-04T16:53:00.002-06:00

... So ... my parents have been visiting us for the last two weeks and life has been GREAT!! :) All my different worlds are converging - and I must say I'm a bit amused and overwhelmed all at the same time. Here are a few highlights:

1. T' and my parents are getting along like a house on fire - they have finally found the obedient son in him they never had in me!!

2. All the parents met the parents - i.e. my parents met T's parents and exchanged gifts - and had lunch. Both the Moms had gifts for each other - and both almost forgot to give it to each other.

3. We all took a trip to Chicago last weekend.

4. I had a proposal deadline this week and almost died under the pressure - T' took care of my parents - making me look progressively worse.

5. Ma has been knitting sweaters for Bert and Ernie!! They love Baba - because suddenly they have realized that walks have become a 3 hourly event rather than a rare weekly outing.

6. Ma and T' agreed vehemently that Indian men are incapable of taking care of themselves :(

7. Today all day has been a big cooking fest and next weekend we are all off to Yellowstone!

... so ... I guess that's whats going on at this end - we had scallops and prawns for lunch and plan to have luchi-mangsho for dinner. As Ma and T' are busy exchanging recipes - I've retired from the kitchen for the time being - you know how we Indian men are, right ;) - might as well enjoy the reputation!

They are back ...

2009-08-23T15:34:00.005-06:00

Remember my post about the illusion of stasis - that nostalgia tinged email about how wonderful it is to teach and see 'the kids' move on as we grayed over the years!!!

Well, yesterday while driving across the bridge we were accosted by this:

You guessed it! The students are back - new school year starts next week.

This is orientation week, so the entire town is full of fresh faced 18-year olds with a flock of over engaged parents in tow!!! This means that we have to cross the bridge and go to strange out of the way restaurants to escape from the flood of said parents and freshers.

New school year is upon us. I am teaching two senior classes this semester and advising three graduate students. Then of course there is the usually slew of proposals, papers etc.

Cynicism besides, I must say the excitement in the air is exhilarating and the energy is difficult to ignore :)

Expectation

2009-08-14T17:41:00.003-06:00

There was a time back in grad school when having hit a few dead ends and hurt, I took stock of my life. It involved a process of winnowing away all in-essentials from my life laying bare the valuable - and focusing on each of those aspects. Akin to removing the weeds from the flower beds so they don't crowd out the flowering plants. I referred to the process as my quarter life crisis.

It had various outcomes - but most important of all - it taught me to value and nurture what I had and lower my expectations. Rather than crowding the flower bed with more plants, allowing each of the plants to bloom.

Its been 7 years since this process. Once again I find myself at another critical point - and the urge to winnow is coming on again. Though this time around I think the theme is: Expect Less, Love More.

Till I read recently completed reading Lay That Trumpet in Our Hands.

Its a beautifully written account of a progressive white family's resistance to the KKK's in the early 1950s, in Central Florida. Touching on real historical events, part imagined and mostly biographical, the book is narrated by a 14 year old girl who captures the racial tensions of the times, her father's idealism and a touching portrait of personal loss.

While justice is the point of the story - it is overshadowed by the immediacy of the human stories and the intimacy of the narrative. (There are time when you can smell the orange blossoms). Justice is regarded as an abstract idea, rather than as a reparative act. Initially, the book left me feeling disturbed because the story did not meet out the justice that the underlying ideals promised. Of course, the author remained loyal to the historical context of the time and so I am not complaining. No - I wasn't looking for a HollyBollywood ending. What was bothering me was the brutal reality of the story - that the people who fought the bitter battles could not expect the justice they deserved and dedicated their lives to. But after mulling over it for a while, and with the advantage of a historical perspective, I realized that the struggles outlined in the book were indeed the seeds that laid the ground for MLK and his ilk.

It reminded me of this line I read somewhere (can't remember): The arc of the universe bends towards justice - however long.

The question then is - when is it all right to expect gratification from life? Or should we live in faith - like the people who died with a brave prayer of hope, without ever bearing the fruits of their labor? And isn't that the most difficult act of love?

So I say: Expect Less, Love More, Have Faith.

[Choose your article of faith :) ]

My vacation week ...

2009-08-10T19:30:00.003-06:00

This is officially my "Vacation week" - 2nd week in August, 2 weeks before classes start. (Officially called the calm before the storm!)

I am not visiting anywhere (Thank you - I travel enough for business) - the idea of waking up late and flopping around the house doesn't particularly appeal to me either. So this vacation week effectively becomes - leaving work before 5pm (OK! 4:00pm)!! It may sound pathetic, but I find it really relaxing to go to work and leave before 5pm. I do not having to worry about any deadlines, or feel the chill of guilt that invariably settles in when I don't work for longer than a day.

Also - after I leave work at 5pm, I take my dogs for a walk in the woods. This is the favorite part of my vacation. Bert and Ernie look forward to me coming home. They start jumping up and down (believe me its a site to watch!) when they see my car pulling in. I usually sit in the drive way for a few minutes just to get them even more excited from anticipation - and then they hop into the back seat and off we go to the trails. I use this opportunity to catch up on Podcasts of 'This American Life' and 'Selected Shorts' - two of my favorite radio programs. Bert and Ernie run along ahead - Ernie insists on leading the way - poor Bert tries to keep up with him, but half way through the trail, encumbered by his ample belly, he usually falls back!

One of the joys of a Northern summer is that the sun sets very late (its usually dusk as late as 11pm in mid July) - that leaves an ample evening ahead. I cooked last night (chiken chaap, matar paneer and dal fry) - and we grilled the night before. So tonight I decided to sit on the deck and sip my gin & tonic while enjoying the vibrant evening.

Summer evenings are full of unseen activity. The wind rustling through the leaves, a rodent scampering away into the bushes in the far corner of the yard (inviting a growl from Bert and a look of annoyance from Ernie!), the smell of grilled meat and vegetables wafting in from a neighbor's yard, voices, a couple walking down the street wheeling a stroller (or two), the sun playfully bouncing off the surface of my drink and glinting at me through the glass ... I close my eyes and let it all flow around me, enjoying the activity - feeling like a rock in a fast flowing river! And then a bug bites me!! Splat! Summer :)

Ironically, August is the busiest month for T' - so he is back home around 8pm. After dinner we usually settle down in front of the TV - and now as I blog, he is editing some stuff on his laptop, while Bert and Ernie are watching TV. As I look out of the window, I see the dark silhouette of the maple tree in our backyard gently swaying in the pink and blue smear of dusk.

Dusk is my favorite part of summer. She slips into the evening and melts into the short night - you never know the exact moment that marks her arrival or her departure. The short soothing reprieve between the activity of the evening and the Milky-Way splattered silence of night.

Another thing about vacation - blogging without caring about tense, spelling, coherence ...

Nostalgia

2009-07-12T16:10:00.006-06:00

Warning: This post is like an idle river - it meanders, digresses and aimlessly wanders reflecting little more than the blue sky above.

The other day Orange was complaining about not finding love. When I read his post I was reminded of my twenties - my grad school days! Yeah, all my friends were getting married left, right and center, climbing the corporate ladder - and there was I, slogging away in my lab - nay, finding refuge in my work because nothing else made sense.

I went through an identity crisis and in order to resolve it (as all good engineers should) I resorted to a systematic deconstruction and reconstruction of my identity. And one thing that came off this process was, that my brand sparkling new-age identity had not only retained, but rediscovered with vigor my Bengali identity - specifically defined by the works of thinkers and poets who laid the foundation of liberal modern thought in Bengal back between 1800-1940. My exciting discovery of that history can be left for another blog post. And my love for the expression of universalism in Tagore's poetry and music was renewed. I rediscovered him as an universalist, rather than as obligatory listening because I was born Bengali!

But anyway, going back to Orange's post it reminded me of one of Tagore's songs (now you see why I had to explain the identity business) that has always been very close to my heart and during those cold nights back in grad school, it often cheered me up. The song is -

I am no good at translating - but long and short of it is that the poet wonders, what is love? is it indeed the pain and longing that defines it? or is it not the freedom and joy it affords us?

I was quite surprised to find this video - its from a movie that dates back to the 60s, based on a story set in the late 19th century (I think!). Growing up this scene was one of my favorite movie scenes.

Soon after watching this You Tube video I quickly went through a whole bunch of my favorites that I had not seen in a long time and had no clue were available on You Tube ... as I reveled in the black and white glory of old Bengali movies - I felt a sense of nostalgia - nostalgia for a time gone by, a time of relative innocence! Do I want us to go back there - no! But it reminds me of a time in my own life back when I was in Calcutta and life was simpler - much simpler. And maybe I associate these tunes with the innocence of my childhood and the memory of a city that has changed her name and her character since.

Then again, may be things haven't changed so much after all. After all the songs are still relevant, if a wee bit different.

Consider the following:

and:

Also as I wallowed in the music and the poetry, I couldn't help noticing the three different attires in the three videos - ranging between the late 19th century to the early twenty first century.

So much has changed and we still hum the same tunes our grandparents took solace in.

... or maybe I'm just plain old-fashioned!

The Garden of Eden

2009-07-05T17:31:00.003-06:00

Its a lazy Sunday evening - the dogs are cuddled up at my feet, T' is lounging around on the other couch - there is a gentle breeze - the sun is shining bright - we are watching Mamma Mia for the one thousandth time - the tunes are always fresh and Meryl Streep is lovely as ever - and I've always had a secret crush on Collin Firth! Life feels good and relaxed and perfect ...

... then there is that voice at the back of my head reminding me of all the work that needs to be done - all the WORK!! Same damn voice that has been hauting me since I can remember - school board exam, school certificate exam, all the tests and exams in College (probably the most irresponsible I've ever been), the never ending drama of grad school, and then proposals, papers, students, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines - seems like I could develop a discrete event simulation of my life based on deadlines and predict the future within a 95% confidence interval! Grrrrr!!!

... and as I watch this movie about people coming of age - maturing - after having spent a youth of irresponsible joyful abandon - I wonder where my share of "irresponsible joyful flings" and craziness went? Instead it seems to me all my life I have been trying to do the damn responsible thing - and I think I have (till this moment, when I am choosing to blog instead of working on my proposal!) been mostly responsible!

... and even now when I have the view to the Garden right in front of me - all I do is wonder and worry about the next proposal, the next paper and so on ... is there an end to this?

Maybe the Garden of Eden is and always was right in front our very damn noses - if only we could stop worrying about tomorrow and lived in the beauty of today ...

... so for tonight, I shall let the voice rest and simply be!!

So ...

2009-07-02T19:33:00.005-06:00

So - I was not sure that I'd live to see this day - so I guess, I need to be a lot more optimistic and expect more from life :)

I think the Delhi HC decision is a must read for anybody interested in the morality and legality of issues related to human dignity, human rights and all those wonderful things we all hope and pray for. May I quote a few striking passages:

"... it is clear that the constitutional protection of dignity requires us to
acknowledge the value and worth of all individuals as members of our society. It recognises a person as a free being who develops his or her body and mind as he or she sees fit. At the root of the dignity is the autonomy of the private will and a person's freedom of choice and of action. Human dignity rests on recognition of the physical and spiritual integrity of the human being, his or her humanity, and his value as a person, irrespective of the utility he can provide to others. The expression “dignity of the individual” finds specific mention in the Preamble to the Constitution of India. V.R. Krishna Iyer, J. observed that the guarantee of human dignity forms part of our constitutional culture ..." (para 26: WP(C)7455/2001)

" ... The right to privacy thus has been held to protect a “private space in which man may become and remain himself”. The ability to do so is exercised in accordance with individual autonomy. ... The privacy recognises that we all have a right to a sphere of private intimacy and autonomy which allows us to establish and nurture human relationships without interference from the outside community. The way in which one gives expression to one's sexuality is at the core of this area of private intimacy. " (para 41: WP(C)7455/2001)

and then comes the killer:

" ... For every individual, whether homosexual or not, the sense of gender and sexual orientation of the person are so embedded in the individual that the individual carries this aspect of his or her identity wherever he or she goes. A person cannot leave behind his sense of gender or sexual orientation at home. While recognising the unique worth of each person, the Constitution does not presuppose that a holder of rights is as an isolated, lonely and abstract figure possessing a disembodied and socially disconnected self. It acknowledges that people live in their bodies, their communities, their cultures, their places and their times. The expression of sexuality requires a partner, real or imagined. It is not for the state to choose or to arrange the choice of partner, but for the partners to choose themselves." (para 47: WP(C)7455/2001)

and strikingly on morality:

"Thus popular morality or public disapproval of certain acts is not a valid justification for restriction of the fundamental rights under Article 21. Popular morality, as distinct from a constitutional morality derived from constitutional values, is based on shifting and subjecting notions of right and wrong. If there is any type of “morality” that can pass the test of compelling state interest, it must be “constitutional” morality and not public morality. This aspect of constitutional morality was strongly insisted upon by Dr. Ambedkar in the Constituent Assembly." (para 79: WP(C)7455/2001) (please do read the specifics of Dr. Ambedkar's words)

"The Constitution of India recognises, protects and celebrates diversity. To stigmatise or to criminalise homosexuals only on account of their sexual orientation would be against the constitutional morality." (para 80: WP(C)7455/2001)

He bases his judgement on zillion cases from across the world and India (notably among then Roe v. Wade, Lawrence v. Texas, UNHRC reports) - very articulate - simply amazing. IPC 377 still holds in all matters involving minors and non-consensual sex. (It may be a bit troubling, but 377 is apparently the only law on the books protecting minors!)

So I will raise a toast to the author(s) of this judgment and the clarity of thought and intellect that went into writing this document! So here's to Chief Justice S. Muralidhar and the Delhi HC.

Having afforded ourselves that brief moment of joy - may I point out the following:

1. There is that nagging voice at the back of my head saying something about counting our eggs before .... or was it something about chickens .... never mind!

2. On a related note - I took a screen shot of the TOI web page (as of 9:30pm, US-EST). I think its important to put the afore-mentioned wonderfully written decision in the context of other relevant privacy issues. Look closely at the article about the investigation into Muslim boy- Hindu girl marriages as there may be a conspiracy afoot, the assurance that "gayness does not spread like the flu" and even as the "swine flu" claims its first victim, "US stocks plunge on dismal job figures" ... and so life goes on!

Just saying ....

Raising a glass to the victories and joys of the day - while hoping to see many many more such victories in our lives, and in the lives of beleaguered brethren of all sorts and stripes!

Painful!

2009-06-28T14:34:00.002-06:00

It is extremely painful when a student passes away - often when they have been involved in an accident. The loss is terrible, of course, for the parents. While it is unlikely I'll ever be a parent, I think its terrible to have to bury your own children. And for the rest of us, its terrible to helplessly witness the parents' pain and at the same time feel the terrible loss of potential - of promise.

This morning we woke up to the very sad news of one of my partner's student staff members being killed last night in a freak motor accident. He was 19. I had met him on a couple of occasions when he came home to help us with his gardening ideas for our flower beds. We took him out to dinner at Pizza Hut afterwards - and it was such a joy to listen to him talk about his plans, as he flashed his million dollar smile (which seems to be what everybody remembers of him). He was gay, so T' and I, joked about our relationship, warning him of what he had to look forward to. If only ...

I will think of him everytime the flowers bloom.

Patience

2009-06-17T16:28:00.008-06:00

This afternoon as I sat in my study, trying to get some writing done, resisting distractions such as: new incoming email (some of which require urgent attention), a new bird at the bird bath in the rose garden, new incoming email, a news update, new incoming email ... It struck me that I am in a phase of my life when I am waiting for all sorts of things to happen. Patiently waiting, quietly working and fervently hoping that it all works out. Waiting for journal papers to get accepted, proposals to be funded, various paper work related issues to get resolved, systems to work, project engineers to communicate - the list is long. The word 'Pending' seems to be written large across almost every aspect of my life.

And yet, I am not unhappy. As I look out at the peaceful scene outside my study window, I realize I have lots to be thankful for - just not enough patience for all the pending issues to be resolved. Meanwhile, it seems like the wait is distracting me from getting work done and enjoying the NOW. Its as if visions of the future are holding the present ransom. Given that I develop simulations for a living, I can't help running 'what-if's in my head all the time, forgetting that somehow I am sacrificing today and shaping tomorrow even as I try to prepare and plan for it.

On the same note, last Sunday, Bert and Ernie (our adorable Dachshunds) chased a squirrel up one of the trees that border a modest rose garden in our front yard. After that, they both sat- taking turns to stay on gaurd - under the tree for an hour and a half patiently waiting for the squirrel to come down. When it finally did come down - they chased it under the deck!! I was amazed at their single minded perseverance and patience! Unfortunately, they didn't get to enjoy the beautiful afternoon (read put their nose in every nook and corner!), and eventually the squirrel eluded them too!

I guess I should just focus on the now - realize that the future simply, is.

The Object of Desire

Patience

"Your Turn!"

Ooops! Did I just lose it?

Then and now!

2009-05-21T16:21:00.003-06:00

It was during the summer of 1998, Calcutta.

Two guys - about 20 years of age - perched on a railing bordering Minto Park, watching the busy traffic rush by, at the intersection of Loudon Street, Landsdowne Road and Lower Circular Road.

This was back when Calcutta summers were muggy, but bearable. It was sunny, the temperature was probably in the 90s.

They sat there in silence - if silence is possible at a busy intersection. Traffic rushing in from each direction, moving in rhythm to the play of the air horns that provided the tenor (taxis) and the base (big buses belching out black smoke and lumbering on), while the electric horns on the newer cars complemented with the alto and the soprano (the really fancy foreign cars). The traffic police stood in the middle of this din and conducted the smooth harmonic flow. But the two of them sat there in silence.

One of them, lets call him A, was back home from college after an amazingly unremarkable and completely forgettable semester, while the other, lets call him J, was bunking afternoon lab. at the local college that he was attending. They had gone to high school together and were good friends. Not long ago, after graduating from high school, their paths had diverged, but the friendship hadn't waned. Their circumstances had significantly changed, though. The flying colors that each had graduated with had faded to a very sad gray. The "we are winners" look was a shadow of its earlier self. The smiles had somewhat hardened - the perfect picture of disillusioned youth.

The question at hand was - now what?? Where were they headed? College seemed to be a bit of a drag for both and the road ahead seemed uncertain and chaotic. Hence the silent contemplation.

------------------

11 years later - probably on the very same summer day, in another part of the world - a place where fall foliage is vibrant, winters are long and the light lingers late on summer evenings.

Scanning the morning news on the NYT webpage, A comes across the picture of a model in a pop-up advertisement. Reminds him of J. How odd - they hadn't spoken in over ten years. Indeed, their lives did diverge. The distance yawned, till each became a memory to the other. Till of course the errant ad. popped up.

A facebook search and a friend request followed.

Later in the afternoon - A was running through J's profile and his network. Photographs of old school buddies, wives, children - Both A and J seemed to have figured a way to navigate the last 11 years. The colors seemed to have returned - or at least they did not need them anymore. Instead they seemed to sport genuine smiles that said "Oh! Well - !?"

--------------------

The memory of that afternoon in Calcutta, 11 years ago remains vivid yet!

The illusion of stasis

2009-05-03T15:14:00.003-06:00

Its that time of the year again. The semester has come to an end - even the grading pile is winding down. Everything seems to be in a state of transition, as students graduate, or go off for the summer. Packing boxes and U-haul trucks dot the residence hall parking lots, and the late night bus leaving town is now in demand.

One of the joys of being a teacher is watching students grow and evolve. Sometimes the growth happens in an 'ah-ha' moment - sometimes it happens gradually, often slowly, but always surely, over months and years. Often we merely watch the growth - sometimes we have the joy of being part of it. Hence, this time of the year has a bitter-sweet feel to it - bidding farewell to students, while sharing their joys of graduation - often sharing it with their parents who are here for commencement.

On a personal note, this year I said goodbye to my first PhD student - who has started a post-doc elsewhere. Two of my MS students also graduated and even though each of them had very different trajectories - they are both in excellent jobs and one of them has also gotten married. The term 'commencement' is appropriately used for the graduation ceremony - it is indeed the beginning of a new chapter for all of them.

For those of us who call this town our home, this time of the year marks a transition from classes to research and the joys of summer. Part of us is looking forward to the exodus - waiting to reclaim the brewery deck, plotting out our long summer evenings, rooting for the final blot of snow to melt away, and the buds on the trees to finally bloom - finally making winter a distant dream. Summer beckons - but so does yard work :)

As we watch students reach milestones in their lives and negotiate marked transitions, we often miss the subtle changes and transitions we are negotiating in our own lives. My partnership with T' has entered a phase of quiet comfort. We fight the same fights over and over again - often breaking out into laughter half way through in anticipation of the predictable responses. 3 Macs, a wedding, a few fancy cast iron pots, and a programmable coffee brewer later, we lost a few pounds, gained a few pant sizes and some gray hair, and have had lots of good times.

By the time the students are back it'll be time for the north winds to blow again, and we'll be getting ready for yet another year. We'll go back to our classrooms and forget about these transitions - the students in my junior class will still be 19, just as they were last year and just as they will be next year. Once again we'll get swept up in the rhythm of the academic year, where nothing seems to change. Once again we'll be deluded by the illusion of stasis.

In the mean time - order me a Gin Mojito and lets look forward to summer 08 - i mean summer 09.

On being an elitist

2009-03-07T11:03:00.004-07:00

Suffice it to say, all my life I have been called an elitist. I have been aware of such tendencies from an early age - and have tried my best to blur in with the masses. But try as I might, every once in a while I say and do things that lay bare all my efforts at being a card carrying member of the proletariat. (This is when I feel like saying: can't help it, I was born this way!)

However, of late I am finding many many good reasons to finally come out as an elitist and be comfortable being one. I want to take ownership of the term 'elitist' and wear it as a badge of honor rather than carry it as a burden of shame. And in taking ownership I think its critical that I define its semantics rather than let it fall in the hands of unmitigated fools.

Who an elitist is:
1. Someone who believes in equal rights and equal opportunities for everybody.
2. Someone who believes that hard work and diligence should be rewarded while lazy inefficiency and incompetence should be looked down upon.
3. Someone who recognizes that even with equal opportunities, the system is often heavily biased against some sections of society making it difficult for them to succeed.
4. Someone who believes that the wealthy and the successful owe it to society and themselves to give back to those sections of society where hard work and merit is not enough to be successful.
5. Someone who makes no excuses for stupidity - period.
6. Someone who discriminates based on a person's achievement and outlook - how good are they at what they do, what initiatives do they take in life, how positive are they
7. Someone who respects human labor and human capital - but detests lack of self improvement (the self can be improved in many many ways).
8. Someone who believes that wealth has to be created through creation of knowledge, services or tangible products - not speculative abracadabra.
9. Someone who roots for the underdog.

Who an elitist is not:
1. Someone who dismisses or discriminates against individuals simply based on their race, creed (unless stupidity is a creed), caste, sexual orientation, gender, class - or any other visible or perceived identifier that they are not directly responsible for. (I exclude religion - because it is a lifestyle choice - champion a religion at your own risk).
2. Someone who believes that public policy on complex issues such as the environment, civil rights and human conflict should be decided on the whims of the "common man," instead of involving scientists, engineers, soldiers and historians.
3. Someone who believes in a dictatorship - even benevolent ones.
4. Someone who cannot distinguish between a democracy and a democratic republic.

I hold Joe the Plumber and his ilk in utter disdain. It is a tragedy when voices like Rush Limbaugh, Amy Goodman, mislead governors and Hugo Chavez start dominating the air waves. I do not think every individual should have the same quality of life (excepting for equal access to health care, maybe) irrespective of how much effort they have put into self improvement and hard work. The current crisis to a large extent has been created by fools who were spending way more than they should have and had not the means or the ability to discern. Society lied to them when they told them they were just as good as their neighbors who put years of hard work in professional or vocational preparation and earned their homes and their lives. Saying that everybody is equal is telling a terrible lie - even though it may create the warm and cozy feeling of inclusiveness. Unfortunately we are all paying for their stupidity and the unfortunate lies now - and we should call it so. I detest liars - who tried to make money out of people's vulnerabilities and their desires.

There you go I am an elitist - and I dare you to be one!

Scrambled thoughts

2009-02-15T12:36:00.004-07:00

This morning as I was scrambling my eggs, it struck me that its been a while since I last posted. So, I starting thinking about a suitable post - and realized that there was so much I had to say and so little that I had posted. Kinda like the junk I was putting in my omelet. So here are some scrambled thoughts.
++++++++++++++

Life is flying by. The days are turning into weeks, the weeks into months, the months into years adding momentum to the snow ball of time. In the blink of an eye life will have gone by - one short tumble down the hill.
++++++++++++++

Ever noticed how people react when they watch fireworks? Every big shower of sparks is followed by "That must be the finale ..." - and this starts long before the actual finale. When the finale does arrive, there is a moment of hushed silence, a loud applause and then as the crowd dissipates a sense of "oh... too bad its over".

Oh, but to enjoy the beauty of the moment while it lasts - even if we know that its only transient. Even if we know that its going to be over soon, that it can't last forever, that paradise is gained only to be lost.

Didn't someone say something about "holding eternity in a moment ..."
++++++++++++++

So today is supposed to be "Evolution Sunday." The day when the God fearing try to reconcile the theory of evolution with the idea that all we hold dear was indeed created.

I can understand the urge to hold onto the idea of creation - even against our better senses. With creation comes an implicit statement of beginning - which inevitably implies an ending. This mirrors our lives - we are born and we die - our lives are packed in neatly bounded intervals. The story of creation is a construct that helps us comprehend the infinite universe beyond by projecting an image of ourselves and our finite lives on it. It helps us ignore the eternal - even while we acknowledge an omniscient creator.

Evolution - on the other hands sets us adrift on a continuum of millions of years - with no beginning and no end in sight.
+++++++++++++

Notice, how folklore has it that the poor are the happiest. Some or all scriptures say (in one form or another) "it is easier for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to get into the kingdom of God." But of course, the story of life is written in the verses that are tied together by strings of greed. Indeed, there is a mad rush to get wealthy. The aforementioned kingdom may not be a preferred destination.

However, in spite of the mixed response, there might be more to it than meets the eye. After all, isn't it true that the more we have, the more we stand to lose. . . that the wealthy cannot sleep in peace, and indeed the poor have nothing to lose.

If we could love just enough ... where we could live without the loved one ... just enough, not too much, not too little. If we could find that sweet spot, then maybe we could have all the wealth in the world and yet not acquire camel like proportions.

But what is it to love, if loss brings no pain - what value is wealth, if it leaves no void?

A camel, staring at the eye of a needle, lost in the dreary desert of want.
+++++++++++++

Consider the identity:
n^2 +(n+1) = (n+1)^2 - n
Today this is my identity, for n=5.

Once again ...

2008-09-28T14:04:00.003-06:00

Once again, you visit us,
Most Beautiful, Lady of Fall -
A wealth of harvest, food and flower,
Your basket brimmeth over.
In orange and red, behold,
How the woods rejoice your coming
And joy rolls out across fields of gold.

The vigor of Summer gives away
to morning mists, that reveal each day -
your gentle beauty. The breeze swirls
in the woods, telling tales of love and loss.
Of victories that have been won
and pain that has left many undone.
All this and more you bear.

In your gentle strength we rejoice,
To myriad songs you give voice.
Songs of victory from far and near,
Good over evil - we love to hear.
Even as we say our thanks, and gather around
accepting shades of dark and light;
that holds us to each other, sound.

You leave us at the mercy of Winter -
With visions of hope and joy forever.
A joy that wells from far within-
beyond the grasp of pain and suffering.
A knowledge that life is short,
and fragile, but long enough -
for each of us to love in splendor.

Of haircuts, vanity and philosophy

2008-08-03T10:48:00.004-06:00

This post is a response to Orange's post. It set me wondering if our hairstyles can tell the story of our lives and how our barbers influence the stands and stances we take. So I shall set out to give you a brief history of my life in haircuts. Eventually I will address the burning question: is this is an vanity - or merely a form of self expression.

But first the story. (Kinda like they say on NPR - "but first the news")

I grew up in what we broadly referred to as the "upper middle class" - i.e. we had aspirations and pretensions of the upper classes and the means of the middle classes. (Which is not a bad thing - but thats another post). Add to that a catholic school education - where we were sent home if our shoes weren't reasonably polished every morning and the tie length wasn't just right. Now, now! That is not vanity - its called being "well groomed" (the term always reminded me of horses!). Similarly, our hair had to be combed properly and not be long "like the hippies" and being bald had various unhappy social consequences.

As a child, I went for my haircuts when Baba decided the time was right. I was taken to a reasonable - not the under-the-tree-shade barbers - hair salon where I was given a "sensible haircut". My hair was combed to the side neatly - with a left parting - and a clean trim at the back. My barber was always confounded by a hump of hair on top of my head which refused to be tamed (and to this day stands up in reverence to who knows what!!). And till I turned 18 and left home for the wilderness beyond - this continued. Without fail, no questions asked. Excepting for one time when I was 14 and had to go through the ordeal of going bald in order to respect my Grand-ma's desire for my sacred thread ceremony (which for the record, I wore for only two weeks afterwards). At school - I promptly earned the name of "taklu" - and the name persisted and many of my friends continued to call me that till I left school.

Then I left home and went away to college. The critical years of chaos, and confusion. So I decided to change my hairstyle and experimented with my parting. First came the middle parting - which made me look like a Bengali scholar from the middle ages - ugh!!! To add to my miseries my Mom thought I looked quite like Mithun C. That did it!!! So I tried the parting on the right side. And that annoyed my parents --- :)) So I stuck to it. My statement was made - I had come to myself. Can't help laughing at myself, all these years later.

Then I got a job and went to work for an engineering firm - back in the city - with the added joys of a salary. I started getting haircuts for Rs. 300 (which was a LOT in those days - I understand India is very different now). Oh how I enjoyed the looks of utter horror on my aunts' faces when I casually told them about my extravagant haircuts!! I had arrived :))

And then life changed. I started looking beyond familiar shores. Decided to go to graduate school - moved to a town in Western NY, and in the middle of the chaos of moving to a new country, the tensions of coming out to myself, and the pressures of my MS research - I don't even remember taking haircuts. I guess my hair just went into shock and stopped growing.

I moved within a year to Seattle - where my heart lies to this day and where I think I finally played out each card in my hand and having done so, came to myself. But in getting there, I was protesting against the world - wondering where I fit in, if at all. The politics of the era did not help, and further pushed me to the edges. I became an activist, protested and marched against a zillion things, turned vegetarian for a year - and did a variety of crazy things.

Six years - I had a bunch of different hairstyles. It started with questioning the need for grooming at all - once and for all, I am not a horse. Then I questioned the need for a sensible haircut - I tried to define what a "sensible haircut" was - and realized the word "sensible" was rather whimsical itself. The only property that any two things that were both "sensible" shared was that they were either boring or simply un-noteworthy. So I decided to stop being sensible - after all, I was finally finding myself - intellectually alive, emotionally vibrant and politically active. I had no patience for "sensibility." But at the same time - I had no time for such frivolous things as "tending to my hair" - or paying a big corporation for a hair cut. (Corporations, after all are evil!). So I stopped combing my hair, started going to a locally owned hair salon on the Ave., and cut my hair short - very very short. I looked like an egg with black fungus on it - and enjoyed this rather ugly look. Everybody - including my friends - grimaced at me. My parents decided that I had finally gone to the dogs (a far cry from the well groomed son they imagined I was), and even my advisor started wondering at the complete lack of vanity (which may I remark, is actually an exaggerated form of vanity!).

And it was at this cozy hair salon in Seattle that I had my first significant barber Ryan. He was not the annoying kinds - the kinds you felt obliged to make conversation with, instead he knew what was on your mind and very gently if tangentially comforted you, assured you, let you know that all is fine with the world. And every time you looked down - he made you hold your chin up, look up at the mirror and smile at your own goofy reflection.

Ryan told me of his girlfriend, his family, of his trips to the Burning Man festival and through each session I followed the gentle ups and downs in his life as he unsuspectingly offered himself up. He encouraged my ridiculous haircut to start with. (Kind of humored it) but as time passed he slowly mellowed me down by his acceptance of my ridiculous stylistic suggestions (lets go even shorter!!), and without me noticing, gently used his scissors and razors to snip away and round my hard edges. Strangely enough, after every haircut - I felt a bit happier and a bit more sensible.

When I left Seattle, I was sad to say goodbye to Ryan. After all he had been my friend, philosopher and guide in time when I was grappling with many different things. Almost five years hence, to this day, I wear my hair reasonably short, have done away with partings all together, and I still don't comb my hair - but yet manage to look sensible. This morning as I ran into church - as usual late for choir practice - I was quite amused to find my minister sporting a new short hair cut, that made her look ten years younger. She motioned to me and whispered "I asked them to give me an Alan" :))

So what part of this is vanity? The desire to be well groomed? The desire to share with those who are willing to hear (people like Ryan) about internal conflicts. Is the desire to express oneself vanity? If that is so, then isn't being sensible just as vain - in fact its worse in its obnoxious holier-than-thou pretensions.

Now where was I??

Steps

2008-07-13T15:10:00.002-06:00

Lazy Sunday afternoon ... (too lazy to complete sentence) ... I am lounging on my couch by the living room window with 2 dogs heaped up on top of my feet under a blanket - my feet are warm, but my muscles are feeling cramped! Cannot step off the couch!

I have been catching up on the news, blogs and such ... am glad to read/hear about the success of the Pride Parade in India. First time in Delhi and B'lore and yet again in good ol' Cal. Step in the right direction.

I have a blog fan - D** the M**, heres your update.

update();

On a more serious note - I was browsing through my archives and was quite shocked at how seldom I have been updating, and as my posts have become infrequent they have also become less thoughtful. I am not sure if this is a step in the right direction.

I haven't become less thoughtful - but I do find myself being more social - than I want to be sometimes. But hey, can't complain about having a diverse set of wonderful friends.

then again ... summer is a less thoughtful time. Its short, its beautiful and its the time to enjoy the outdoors - and its difficult to entertain coherent ideas while - say - pruning a rose bush, or grilling a steak, or pitching a tent ... or a zillion other things that all need me to concentrate on appropriately orienting my limbs in space. ... or sipping a perfect mint mojito while watching the sun set on the lake.

Sometimes we experience, and sometimes we sit back, observe and think. But to immerse ourselves in the intensity of a moment, and yet be detached from it to observe and analyze every detail ... What did I just say?

Another year

2008-05-04T15:47:00.002-06:00

End of another academic year. Boy oh boy!! I have been spending this weekend relaxing and allowing the dust of the year to settle down before I start the summer on a fresh note.

Still waiting for summer to arrive. We had snow last weekend :( It is high time things warmed up.

We are family ...

2008-04-18T19:28:00.002-06:00

Music

2007-10-27T15:31:00.000-06:00

My partner is a musician. I sing in the church choir (he thinks I have no sense of rhythm or tune! Grrr!). I always loved music and now I love a musician - some of my best friends are musicians - in fact, I have consistently been attracted to people who are musical. And with each of them I have shared musical memories - songs (the "our songs"), common interests in the opera, the desire to argue and discuss music theory ... long list. But sometimes music summons the past back to the future, and creates a rush of memories that are difficult to write about - but I never the less will try in this post.

Our minds associate and organize ideas, events, impressions, feelings in a giant network - much like the lanes and by-lanes of a tumultuous city. Life passes us by as we add experiences to this urban landscape. Frequent experiences evolve into busy highways and thoroughfares, as stories and memories of days gone by get lost in poorly lit lanes and dark alleyways. Every once in a while we digress, take a wrong turn and lose our way in forgotten landscapes. We meet faces and have feelings that we thought we'd forgotten - sometimes, the memories are pleasant, and sometimes they haunt us like a bad dream and we need to rush back to the light.

Within the limits of this metaphor, if there were such a thing that could trigger a "teleport" and unexpectedly transport us from the city we are building and dwell in, to a forgotten corner of the city that was - then music would indeed be it.

Last week T' played with the K' Symphony Orchestra in live concert with the Alan Parsons Project. I went to the show by myself - and was lucky to get a seat that gave me a good view of T and his Tuba bobbing up and down. As the music started, I found myself going back and forth in my cityscape. When Alan Parsons played I went back to the rock concerts from when we were in college - the alcohol, the dancing, head banging - only to be jolted back to the present whenever the KSO played - looking out for the bobbing tuba. Right through the concert I kept running in between these two worlds, that are so far removed in time and context. It was as if, the teleport function had a bug in it that had sent me into an infinite loop.

10 years have gone in between, and I have gone from the 19-20 year old closeted, unsure, uninterested student to the 30 year old professor. Then I was trying to convince myself that I loved a woman - now I love my Tuba player and share an unique friendship with the very same woman. Then I could not have imagined that now could be possible, and now I wonder how I made it from there to here. In fact, then I could barely imagine what the future held - other than some vague ideas of what was expected of me. I did smile at the thought of the alcohol at the rock concerts and the stars strewn across the inky black sky, the late lunch at the mess the morning after and of course all the people... and then I smiled at the cheery Tuba player and thought of the late dinner after the concert... and then they came back - all the people.

All the wonderful people - friends in arms. We promised to keep in touch after the last handshakes. Excepting for a precious few - the promises have been forgotten. Let me correct that: I have forgotten the promises. Its easy to reconnect - hop onto friendster, orkut. The scraps and messages that they sent me on the many internet services have stopped, after having gone unanswered for a long time. I have received news of their weddings, first born ... good news, that they have shared and spoken about, while I dismayed and moved away, and returned their joyous invitations with silence. And now that I am happy and want to share my joy - I find myself moving further away. Time will tell, but I think these promises are best left forgotten.

.. and the music played on as I traversed back and forth, trying in vain to make sense of the then and the now. Lost in my city of dreams.

Life Beyond its Trappings, or Trappings make not Life

2007-10-07T16:21:00.000-06:00

... yet, we seem to remember life by its trappings. We create rituals that make the trappings even more elaborate - and then we write the rituals in stone. We forget why the rituals were made or what made the trappings so beautiful - but we are caught in the grip of these symbols. We find joy in them, and when we grieve, it is the trappings that make the pain more unbearable - just as it is the trappings that make memories worth remembering. In fact if it were not for the trappings, there would be no memories to recollect, no occasions to celebrate, and no losses to bemoan.

The white dress of the bride left at the alter - a pristine and beautiful reminder of all that could have been, of regret and pain, of squandered lives. The to-be bride grieves the wedding, secretly enjoys the freedom from a bad marriage, and moves on - maybe, to successful relationships - yet, the dress remains, a memory of pain. The truth remains hidden within the trappings - the memories defined by the limitations of the trappings.

But lets take the trappings out from life. We are left with a humdrum - a blur in which time flows so smoothly that it might as well be still. The sun sets and rises and seasons blend into each other. Each sunset is more beautiful and every fall distinctly vibrant. Love is celebrated in silence, in the warmth of a candle flame, excitement expressed in its flicker, and expectation in the welcoming light that shines forth from it. Every moment a unique memory, a participant in and witness to rich histories that just are - and they are beautiful simply because they just are. A beauty that is so rich that we can only assert its existence - maybe feel it in our own individual ways - but cannot entrap it in our trappings.

But then can we remember so much beauty - are our minds capable of recording each detail. When we are dying, would we be able to choose a moment to relive - or would we have no memory at all - because its just too much to remember.

Hence, we come full circle and yearn for the trappings, for the beautiful wedding gowns, the lavish feasts, the rituals ... the works that memory make, even if they are limited in what they remind us of and the expectations they bring.

Or maybe, we shouldn't make any of these trappings at all - live each moment of beauty as they come - who needs memory when each moment is worth it. And then die in peace with the knowledge of beauty, instead of yearning for the memories that lent us mere glimpses of it.

I pray that we may live and love freely, that we may be free of the rituals and trappings of life and enjoy the vibrant beauty that lies in the silence of their absence.

That we may just, be.

The importance of political correctness

2007-09-02T11:45:00.000-06:00

The very mention of the phrase "political correctness" makes a lot of people express displeasure in a variety of ways (smirk, laugh, get angry). They tend to favor open and genuine conversation rather than nuanced "correctness." There is definitely something to be said about such open exchange. It can often build bridges and foster understanding between different groups of people. While it may sound painful, often it can, in the long run, be more constructive than just being "pc" - which really makes sure that nobody hurts anybody for the length of the immediate interaction - specifically through the inappropriate use of language.

However, there is a lot more to it than that. I recently had a couple of unpleasant experiences, which have made me think. In one, I had a student, A, say something to me - that she perceived to be funny - but I found offensive. I knew she did not intend any offense, and was just being clumsy with words. It lead to her apologizing and we had a really good talk afterwards, about the importance of language and how words take on different meanings in different situations, thus requiring us to be careful with usage - even when we are sure about what we are saying and intend no harm.

Ironically, that very night I landed up being the perpetrator and made a statement to a friend - which within the very nuanced context of our conversation was not at all offensive. We were discussing "class" and the inequalities and differential treatments that follow from the perception of this elusive quality - especially if a group of people pride themselves in having class and are in no perceptible ways any better than their peers. It is true that the word "class" is closely associated with history and heritage, but exploiting history and heritage (what many will call cultural capital) does not seem reasonable in a meritocracy. On the contrary, we associated the "lack of class" with a down to earth, no nonsense, approach to hard work. Achievement that stands for itself without the crutches of history to lean on.

Hence, when I made the statement to my friend "Group X does not have class" it was meant mostly as a compliment rather than an insult. It so happened that a member of group X, W', was close by - overheard my comment and . . . to make a long story short, was not at all pleased and was exceedingly rude and hurtful to me. My efforts at explaining to her the nuance of the conversation and the intention were ignored by her. A little more research into "group X" showed that they were a very class conscious society - viciously proud of and protective of their lifestyle. I had unknowingly stepped on a land mine, buried beneath generations of local and social tensions in a town that can be sliced and diced along many lines. Interestingly I had a similar conversation with another friend of mine, K', from the "group X" earlier that day and we had both heartily agreed that there was no concept of "class" among them and we had even laughed about it.

Needless to say, I caused pain, and was quite hurt by the woman's behavior. None of this would have happened if I had just been more pc and avoided constructing a statement that associates what is commonly perceived as a bad thing (lack of class) with a group of people, without quite knowing their history. Irrespective of my intention. Now of course, I did have the same conv. with K. Clearly, K and I, and A and I, have similar assumptions and even though we have different racial and ethnic heritages we share similar assumptions which allow conversation. W and I, unfortunately have different heritages and no similar assumptions - add to that our mutual ignorances about each other, and we have a politically incorrect pudding pie!! Hence, we need to be politically correct with each other, while K and A and I can afford to be communicative ad frank.

This was a painful lesson for me.

For the time being, I have planned to apologize to W, though I don't intend to interact further with her till she apologizes to me for her extremely rude reactions.

The bigger question is, should we avoid people who don't share similar assumptions to spare ourselves the pc stuff. Instead is it a better idea to mix and work more with the Ks and As of the world where there may be points of conflict, but almost always solutions of interest.

Moving

2007-08-12T17:36:00.000-06:00

One slow step at a time.

Your 19" TV and my bookshelves fit in together to form our entertainment center. My plants are happy in their new perches and with their new friends who have arrived. Now we can take turns watering them. Your red vase seems to have been made to enhance my red couch - and for us to marvel about. The kitchen is looking charming and in spite of all your stuff that has come in, our kitchen seems to have so much more space than it ever did.

Moving - the slow steps from mine and yours to ours.

Back after a long hiatus

2007-08-10T16:12:00.000-06:00

Hello everybody ...

Its been a long while since I posted. Somewhere in the middle of keeping up with my life, work, and play, my writing slipped from my list of things to do. Anyway, I do miss my blog and at least one (and may be only) of my readers has informed me that she has missed me too. So I will try to do a quick recap without boring details.

Its late summer now. The shadows are getting longer sooner and the sun is dipping earlier every day. But last month, when we were still at the peak of summer things were different. We spent long evenings on the local brewery deck. Dusk tiptoed in - around 9pm - and we watched the color of our pints of beer change as the last lingering rays of the sun shone through. And as the beer changed color, flocks of birds flew over us to seek rest, and the friendly bat appeared from a nook in the old building down the street - flying over us and swooping ever so low every time. It was still light at last call (11pm), and the western horizon had a hint of an orange glow as we lingered outside the friendly neighborhood pub - our pub - goofing around and bidding cheerful goodbyes before finally going home at midnight. And then there were days when we sat out on the deck and dark clouds gathered as an angry mid-west storm brewed with a brilliant play of thunder and lightning. We sat there and welcomed the first drops of rain - cooling our brows after a hot day, enjoying our beer, sometimes getting drenched, sometimes laughing at the passing clouds . . . and always the sun shone forth, through the darkest cloud.

But now . . . its pitch dark by midnight and a couple of nights back there was even a slight chill in the air. We are still sitting around and watching our beer change color, but we linger around less and every once in a while the conversation turns to syllabuses, new class prep, work, the new semester . . . An imperceptible sense of panic passes through us at the thought of a new semester, and the rush of all its demands. Its a short, but sure shudder. And as the shadows start growing longer sooner, the shudder lasts longer and we call it a night earlier. Alas! it definitely is late summer.

Its been a summer of promises and beginnings . . . What can be more exciting than finding love in a person you always desired and felt like you knew from long ago. You never considered there to be any promise of a relationship. Now you wonder why? You ask yourself why you wasted two years, and thank the lucky hand of fate - i.e. a gin and tonic, a crazy friend, and a sequined purple shirt - that made it all happen. And of course, how can you not thank Bach and his wonderful fugues. Because, had it not been for those loopy tunes what would you have spoken about - maybe nothing. Maybe if it wasn't for Bach, you would have simply stood around and blushed and felt silly about hovering around a "well established crush" who barely recognized you. Then again, would you have ever done that if it wasn't for a crazy friend with a self-declared expertise at "picking up men."

What a beautiful night it was ... and I did all of the above. Soon after there were dinner dates and pub dates and soon I was helping him vacuum and wash his car wondering what kind of a date that was - it wasn't - we had started to grow old together! A snowy spring and a brilliant summer later there is a relationship and a promise for the future.

. . . and I'll leave you on that note.

Memories

2006-12-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

Its a cold snowy night. The woods in my backyard are still, yet strangely alive. Its silent but not dark. The blanket of snow is reflecting the light it absorbed all day - a memory of a day gone by. Tomorrow morning, when I will look out of my window, I will see footprints of deer that pranced around silently all night while I slept - memory of a night out.

I lie in bed watching the snow glowing on the bare branches outside my window - like cotton balls waiting to be picked. My thoughts stray. I think of the short summer nights when I'd be lulled to sleep by the wind - as it whispered sweet nothings to me at my window - while it gently rustled the million leaves on the very branches that - now stripped of all foliage - have fallen silent.

I reach for the phone.

The screen on my phone lights up in the dark, as memories of spring flash by. Love? Friendship? What was it? Maybe all it was, is the pain I feel. May be I do feel like crying and can't. May be ...

May be its just the glass of wine after dinner.

I put down the phone and continue to look at the still branch counting the memories of spring and the sweetness of a summer gone by.

Snowy afternoon

2006-12-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

Its been a very hectic and depressing week. Hectic is expected... its that time of the year when school is drawing to a close and everybody is scrambling to get stuff done.

Depressing ... Sigh! No reason for it, nothing happened, it'll pass as it always does, after lingering for a bit. May be its just the weather. Its been snowing continuously for the last 3 days. The pictures on the left and right are taken from my living room window (the front street and the tree peeping in) and my bedroom window (looking at the woods behind my back yard) respectively.

Anyway, I decided to not be depressed and realized that there was a ton of fruits in my fridge that if not tended to soon would be heading to the trash. So out came the strawberries and blueberries and the apples. The berries got washed and sliced, and the apples got peeled and cored. I got out my baker's hat and within an hour the oven was baking a berry pie and an apple cider pudding cake :) (See pictures below). Now the whole place is smelling of apples and baking. That made me happy!

And then to make myself happier, I put up my Christmas Tree. See picture below. So now I have a tree lighting up my room with pretend gifts under it and a pie and a pudding sitting on my table with no one to eat them.

Oh well! At least I tried to cheer myself up.

Core 2 Duo

2006-11-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

Well maybe getting 2 core 2 duo machines (one for my lab to run Redhat and the other on my MacBook Pro) this early, was not a great idea. Reasons:

* Redhat still has not come up with a stable version for core 2 duo - there is a beta version 5 - but its extremely unstable.

* Apple has a huge manufacturing back log and their delivery dates are getting more and more delayed. My purchase on 10/31 is yet to be shipped from Singapore.

So I have bought 2 new computers in the last three months, neither of which I can use. The Mac is yet to be delivered and the lab machine will have to wait to be used till Redhat version 5 becomes stable (Fedora has a semi-stable version for core duo 2, but my support does not want anything other than Redhat!!)

So if you are planning on buying a machine, hold off for a little bit on the core duo 2s.

Busy!

2006-11-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that I can post directly from my email, although it takes
quite a few days for the post to be reflected online ... which I think is
kinda lame.

Anyway, I have been posting seldom for 2 reasons:

1. I have been terribly busy with work and work related travel ... Really,
I am sick of travelling. Sick of starting my day in a a snow storm and
ending it on the Atlantic coast in 75 degree weather.

2. My laptop died 3 weeks ago and I have been waiting for my new laptop to
arrive. Till it arrives I do not have online access at home and I do not
have time to blog at work.

A word for my old laptop: It was an iBook that saw me through grad school
and died of old age. The display failed and then the hard drive crashed -
or at least some sectors I am assuming got corrupted. All my important
data is backed-up, and hopefuly the rest I will be able to retrieve
through fire-wire once my new laptop arrives. It was a good laptop and
its time had come.

This is my new <a href="http://www.apple.com/macbookpro/">laptop</a>. 15"
MacBook Pro, 2.33GHz, Intel Core 2 Duo, 2GB SDRAM with a 120GB Hard Drive.
It should arrive tomorrow.

Every once in a while I make a mental note of things I intend to blog and
once my new laptop arrives I will try to catch up on the list.

Other than that life as usual ... same old humdrum.

Testing

2006-11-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

This is a test. I am trying to post from my email!

Snowflakes settling in the middle

2006-10-11T19:37:00.000-06:00

Today was National Coming Out Day (NCOD). The usual talk trying to reconcile religion and spirituality and the usual efforts at dialogue between young fundamentalists and young queer folk with rainbow colored hair struggling to be accepted by their respective religions and coming to terms with the world around them. I look at them and pray that soon all of them will settle down happily in the middle and live as neighbors. The young fundamentalists will eventually temper down and be tolerant and the young rebel will eventually get a decent hair cut, find a partner and a niche in society.

This desire for a society that eventually converges into a homogenious yet diverse middle makes me wonder if I am growing old. After all, I've been out there on the fringes and raged about all sorts of things. Maybe I have become too comfortable with my situation (whatever that is!) ... or maybe, I am beginning to believe that we need the extremes of opinion (one side espousing high Biblical morality while the other side espousing open polyamorous situations), before we can - nay, if we have to- achieve the balance in between. So its all good. In the end, gay, straight, white, black, narrow, broad ... and all else in between ... will just settle down somewhere in the middle, as they have done so many times in the past on so many issues. And when one topic has been resolved another will come up... after all, life itself is defined by the conflict of extremes. (Hopefuly, this nuclear weapons issue, will also eventually settle down - as it must - without taking the world through a nuclear carnage!)

A lot of people came out as "straight allies" (I am a crooked ally!) and duely showed their support by signing their names on reams of paper. Hopefuly as time passes we'll have to resort to electronic signatures for fear of chopping down too many trees. For the time being, I don't think it cost us more than a few branches and a couple of twigs.

But to our pleasant surprise the Snow came out with its support... and boy has there been a gale blowing all afternoon. Its been one dramatic "coming out." Well I am sure there are some gay snowflakes and some straight snowflakes and then there are the ones that are simply wet and boring! Snow flakes that float gently and settle indiscriminately on every surface. Snow flakes that are inquisitive and will creep into every nook and corner. Then there are a ton of different snow flake crystal patterns. In addition, there is flaky snow and on a really cold night snow can even turn treacherous ... bottomline is: Snow understands diversity. As I write this post, I can hear the wind howling and the snow blowing around - over a BBC report about Amma hugging 25 million people.

Hmm! Its getting cold and I could very well do with a hug... even if its from Amma.

In between Oz and Wonderland

2006-10-10T19:22:00.000-06:00

When I get caught, willingly or reluctantly, at a faculty meeting, I feel like a cross between Dorothy and Alice. Displaced, curious and definitely not in Kansas anymore.

I look around the table and start identifying the Rabbit constantly checking his time-piece and complaining about how he is running late. The lion mopping his brow with the furry end of his tail. Then of course there are a few egos which keep growing till someone cuts them down to size... soon after which they start growing again. Almost everybody sounds like the mad-hatter. The Queen of Hearts decrees something absurd every once in a while. The dept. coordinator trying her best to sincerely note every opinion aired, reminding me of the jury at the trial. Then of course there are the Wizards and the Witches both good and bad from every corner of the dept.

So I follow the yellow brick road and avoid getting caught in poppy fields which may put me to sleep. And I try not to question why roses need to be painted a different color and usually hold my tongue when the verdict makes no sense.

Its only Tuesday, and I've already started writing letters to my left foot!

The Good, Bad and Ugly!

2006-10-07T13:53:00.000-06:00

I believe that life is not about seeking happiness, for there is no such thing to be found. Instead it is about accepting that the world is imperfect. That we as individuals are not responsible for change, and in fact should not even try to change anything. In its imperfection there is a balance in the status-quo and all we should do is accept our conditions and play the roles that we are burdened with. Hence, each of us should dutifuly play the roles of son/daughter, wife/husband and mother/father. There can be no reason to stray from this pattern. It may not be perfect for some of us, but it is stable, and when followed honestly with humility and acceptance provides peace and stability. For some of us it calls for unselfish sacrifice, but isn't that what life is about ... giving a little of yourself to make things better for your family.

***

I believe that life is about an individual seeking happiness and that happiness lies in fulfiling dreams. Dreams - the sum total of an individual's deepest desires soaring the skies on the wings of free thought. Each individual is an unipue person with unique dreams and therefore only they themselves can seek their dreams and pursue happiness. It is true that the world is imperfect, but in seeking our dreams and being happy, we take the world a step closer to perfection. Of course, we need to give each other space to soar and respect each other's values, no matter how different they are from our own. As we all soar and explore, we change the world and make it better. The balance in the world is important, but it has to emerge from within our different flight paths - reflect our combined visions as we soar high and look afar. Of course, we will differ and there will be conflict ... but from the painful acceptance of a diverse view different from ours, we will live and let live and make space for each of our dreams, for isn't that what life is about ... understanding each other to make the world a better place.

***

I am in the middle ... I am not sure I believe in much, one way or another. I know what I need to do each morning, so that I can live another day. I am tired at the end of a day of hard work and find joy when I hold my dear children and when I am held. I worry about college tuition and about unexpected illnesses. I worry about the cold winter and hope the heat bills will be low. But all of it is worth it when I see the smile on the faces of my children, after all are they not what life is about ... the continuity of me an mine in them and their's.

***

That time of the year ...

2006-10-04T19:40:00.000-06:00

Its that time of the year again. The chilly winds blowing in from the north have fanned the dying embers of a fading northern summer, errant sparks from which have ignited the forests and set the countryside ablaze in a riot of colors. Even though the wind brings tidings of a cold winter, we ignore it and inspired by the woods inflame our imagination ... as our spirits rise up in the warmth and bonhomie of the many festivals of the season.

Subho Bijoya to the ones who hail from the Gangetic delta, Happy Rosh Hoshana and Yom Kippur to those who have roots in the land of Israel. And as we speak, the holy days of Ramadan roll by. It is the season to count our blessings and be thankful as the love of dear ones continue to scaffold our lives, as we settle down for Thanksgiving dinner. It is a time to look anew in the mirror, address our indulgences and wonder at the pattern of light and shade that the canopy of our lives leave behind. It is indeed a time to renew the spirit and refresh old ties of family and friendship.

And for the witches, the wizards, the fairies and the goblins ... the game is afoot. Bring out your broomsticks, pull out your hats and wands and let the portions brew. Hark! a tune can be heard in the forest, weaving its way through the mist ...

Now Chil the Kite brings home the night
That Mang the Bat sets free--
The herds are shut in byre and hut
For loosed till dawn are we.
This is the hour of pride and power,
Talon and tush and claw.
Oh, hear the call!--Good hunting all
That keep the Jungle Law

Night-Song in the Jungle

by Rudyard Kipling

Don't forget to have a scary Halloween, and be a fright :B

(The image was taken from here)

soft comfort

2006-10-03T19:35:00.000-06:00

Its been a long time since I have had an evening to myself. My work load is currently reasonable (after the storm I went through for the last few weeks), and my social commitments are less immediate ... so here I am, at home spending an evening of domestic comfort. Had a sumptuous home cooked dinner, and washed it down with a glass of Merlot. And now I am watching the flame on the candles flicker and listening to the pitter-patter of the rain outside as I warm my toes in my blanket.

My Haloween pumpkin is sitting on my living room table looking out of the window and grimacing at the wide world ... casting strangely shaped shadows on the window panes.

The comfort of spending a quiet and domestic evening. Hmmm!

The weekend

2006-09-03T20:22:00.000-06:00

I sailed around the lake all day today. You were on the boat with me. We stole glances at each other. Sunglasses are strange things ... you never know where one is looking. Though the sun was strong, the wind was calm and progress was slow ... but it was good to be with you on the boat.

I took to steering the boat and you all laughed at how I went round in circles. I was trying hard ... if only the wind co-operated.

We had dinner at the Yatch Club later. We shared a drink ... joked about how meeting "that special person" is like looking for a job ... about how you feel the emptiness in your double bed since your last break-up ... we laughed, I'd never needed anything more than a twin bed!!

... and then we shared desert together and we talked a little and then a lot more ...

Being on the sailboat all day leaves a strange feeling ... everything seems to be bobbing up and down, like on a wave, even when you are back on terra firma ...

You will be gone tomorrow, but I will still think of you ... and miss you.

Keep in touch ...

Mindsets

2006-07-31T16:17:00.000-06:00

The mess in the middle-east is getting worse with every passing day. I must say, whatever sympathy I had for Israel, has in the last few days, with their incessant attacks on civilian targets, completely disappeared. Strategically, Israel's stance has been one of obstinate stupidity. In their unrestrained bombing of Lebanon they have actually managed to raise the popularity of insane groups like H' to an unprecedented high in a matter of 15 days. In addition, their bombing is achieving nothing more than destroying lives and livelihoods of civilians. Clearly, H' is not going to be disarmed, not to mention, given the nature of current insurgency based politics, the worst attacks including 9/11, have little or nothing to do with military might. So really, this Rumsfieldian 'shock and awe' approach is only reducing Israel to shockingly low moral standards and leaving absolutely nobody in awe.

Which brings me to my thesis: For a long while, peaceniks like me have advocated that war indeed never solves problems, excepting for the very small set of instances in which force is necessary to stop an atrocious situation and when 'victory' will mark a clear end to such situations. Other than that, violence only begets more violence and clearly if that were not true we would not be fighting over land after all these centuries, that too in the name of God! (Absolutely nothing has changed!) Surely the mighty, would have conquered and ruled. But instead, we have seen that in the recent past the most interesting victories in have been those of conscience, not of military might. The Civil Rights movement in America, the Indian Independence movement, the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa ... the rare instance when violence was acceptable: World War II. Instead, the sun has indeed set on the might of the British Empire and Hitler was vanquished and their atrocities have been condemned by the whole world. Unfortunately, these lessons are lost on our leaders who, disappoint me with their complete lack of judgement. They seem to have inherited the age-old mindset of a powerful nation being one of great military prowess and might.

Such a mindset is at the very root of many of the problems in the middle-east today (not enough space, but consider the history of how many of these extremist militias and authoriatarian governments were created by covert military support). And as Einstien said, it is not possible to solve a problem with the same mindset that created it. That war mongering has lead to more war mongering and is projecting no 'sustainable solutions' in the future is a clear example of that. Instead the sustainable solutions (or at least approximations to such) have come from countering the very mindsets that embodied the problems. (Consider, once again, each of the movements I mentioned above).

If only these people in charge would realize the stupidity of their actions and the massacres that they are unleashing on innocent civilians and children. Alas!

Continuity

2006-07-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

I went back to S. last week after a year. The 5 days seemed to fly. In fact, I had so many people to meet, lunch and dine with that I barely got a minute to sit. However, I am not complaining. It was just like going back home … the same familiarity; the same love … did not feel like I had ever left. Of course, the last year has left its scars on the city, a couple of buildings have been pulled down, a few new restaurants have come up, and construction on the light rail has started … but the coffee is still brewing strong and its still getting cloudy and peak hour traffic still makes me wonder if maybe another bridge across the lake really would not be such a bad idea. It was good to be back and I am already looking forward to my next trip.

I also said good-bye to a dear friend, philosopher and guide, B., who breathed his last earlier in the summer. A touching service was held on Sunday night in his memory as we all sat around and reminisced him. Constructing the rich personality that he was by piecing together each of our different perspectives and experiences with him over a period of a decade and a half. The diversity of the motley gathering reflected how he managed to attract and bring together his students from every discipline and every continent only to send them out enthused with the very vigor and lively intellectual vibrancy that he exemplified. By uniting people, nurturing open minds and connecting ideas lay the realization of his vision and the success of his life’s work. It is sad that he is no more, and that he has left us so early, but it was also a pleasure to tie and tassel the loose end of the bright and colorful thread, that was his life, that he weaved far and wide across the tapestry of human experience.

I also spent some time with an old friend who had recently lost her father in an untimely fashion. While the passing was beautiful and painless for him, the suddenness of it left my friend and the rest of her family deeply traumatized. It broke my heart listening to her talk about the entire experience. At the same time I admire her for having effectively navigated such troubled waters, while maintaining her own sanity and being a support to her family.

I attended service on Sunday at the UU congregation in my old neighborhood. The service on the passage of the soul and its health in life was refreshing to hear and left me a little calmer. It helped me get some solace and put my friend’s trauma and B’s passing in perspective. On the other hand, it also helped me realize that my greatest fear of all is not my own mortality as much as it is the fear of loosing my loved ones. It reaffirms the need to love all we know in sincerity, the need to rise above the trivial, for who knows when this fragility that we take for granted will give away to loss and grief.

While death is indeed the ultimate absolution, and indeed the only truth that none of us can escape … Love and the acknowledgement of Life really is what we have to construct our continuity in the very face of our immortality.

Bombay (Mumbai)

2006-07-11T20:43:00.000-06:00

And as the city wakes up today after the huge shock last night, I am PROUD to say that YES BOMBAY IS BOUNCING BACK. From what I hear on the BBC, the city is back to what it is most loved for ... its vibrance ... injured, hurt, but vibrant all the same.

My prayers for the city ... though given my definition of 'prayer', Bombay needs none, she has enough Mumbaikars who are ready to live and love ... and therein lies her strength.

Visit this site.

I find it strange that the Police are being very reluctant about making a pronouncement on responsibility ... though I am glad that that they are being objective. The act is deplorable and I'd rather get an answer from the authorities based on data rather than random conjectures (there was an "informed opinion" on BBC which blamed it squarely on Pakistan).

Outrage!

2006-07-11T18:22:00.000-06:00

The bomb attacks on the local commuter train system in Bombay is an outrage against humanity. Having spent a very memorable time in the city and having lived and worked around some of the very stations that were attacked, I am naturally feeling hurt by the incident. I cannot imagine the plight of the families who have lost their near and dear ones in the blast.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

On the one hand we keep furthering and pursuing dialogues on tolerance. We seek to build inclusive open societies, we hope to dismantle barriers and treat all women and men alike and yet ... all such efforts are marred by such violent acts of cowardice and intolerance.

There can be no tolerance for intolerance. And even as I bawl in my anger I know that all I am spewing is intolerance ... yet, can we tolerate such acts of cowardice? It undermines the very fundamental assumptions that society functions on.

I don't know how to condole all the families who lost their own, or for that matter how to console the very people who met their untimely end, and in reality this is an inconsoleable loss. However, I do hope and pray for the following:
-> The Indian government can bring justice in the short run while focusing on long term solutions to growing Islamic fundamentalism
-> That Indians inspite of their hurt can stand up and face tomorrow with courage and hard work (as we have before) and also that other extremist factions don't cease on this to unleash what happened in Guajarat

A prayer for Peace ... or at least, some close approximation of it!

Meme-ed!

2006-07-02T15:23:00.000-06:00

Hmmm! So I got tagged and now I have to do a Meme for me! Well before I start there are 2 observations I feel obliged to make.

Even though Cabbages and Kings cautions us against confusing with the Meme tool, interestingly this meme business is connected to all the viruses and DNA replication and so on (my background in biology is limited). It is in fact defined as:

meme: (pron. 'meem') A contagious idea that replicates like a virus, passed on from mind to mind. Memes function the same way genes and viruses do, propagating through communication networks and face-to-face contact between people. The root of the word "memetics," a field of study which postulates that the meme is the basic unit of cultural evolution. Examples of memes include melodies, icons, fashion statements and phrases.

You can't speak about it ...

2006-06-26T12:17:00.000-06:00

I managed to avoid family weddings for the last 12 years (work, out of town, busy with school etc) till this summer - I was invited to 2 family weddings within a month of each other. So this post is dedicated to my thoughts on weddings. It may be a bit whiny... so beware.

I love weddings.

. . . excepting for the depression that sets in after the last dance.

Interestingly, it is the very same things that I love about weddings that leave me most depressed. The taking of the vows, the support and love showered on the couple, the togetherness of a life ahead, the toast, the first dance (especially when the couple dances well), the madness on the dance floor afterwards . . . till the last dance. And then as I drive away, contemplating on how beautiful it all was, I feel like a child in a candy store with no money.

At both the weddings some kind of a camera was handed to me by a parent of the bride/groom to capture the important moments for them. It was good to feel that they trusted me to know when the important moments would be, though it was laced with the bitterness that the trust probably resulted from me being the only single person available to do the job instead of being obliged to sit hand in hand with a spouse through the ceremony. Of course, I always made sure that there was a professional photographer on the job to reduce the burden of responsibility (I have been known on one occasion to have clicked a whole roll with the lid on the lens!!).

Hence, I viewed both the weddings from behind a camera. I was not obliged to sit in one position with a single view. Instead, I was free to run around the ceremony and capture the most intimate moments of the wedding with a telephoto zoom lens. I felt like I was there in the wedding even though I was always safely hidden behind the camera. The slight smile spreading on the bride's lips, the fumble with the ring, the first kiss . . . I tried to capture it all. Even if they have not been recorded digitally or on tape, they definitely have been captured in my mind's eye.

Talking about photography . . . the photographer at the second wedding was indeed very very sweet and attractive. And when I say attractive I mean more than his good looks. Yes he was hot too! But there was more to it than that. During the ceremony both of us were trying to get the same moments . . . of course him being a professional hire for the evening, he probably had a greater right to the moments than I did. But I was touched by how well he coordinated his shots so that I didn't miss out the important moments. We were almost working together as a team. I knew when to back out and take a different angle of the same shot and he'd return the favor next time.

Of course after dinner when I was going crazy on the dance floor making every aunt and grand-aunt swing with me, he made it a point to do close ups of me and even pulled me to a corner to give me pre-views of the shots. He was my brightest spot the whole evening. :)

Oh well! After the dust settles I usually find myself on the road in the silence of my car. Back from the candy store, empty handed. I love the candy store, I enjoy looking at the colorful candy wraps in the glass shelves. I hate to leave disappointed.

And whats worse, theres no way I can ask for money or even speak about my disappointment. So, till I have to visit the candy store again, I'll dream about the photographer.

Patterns

2006-06-18T16:04:00.000-06:00

Theres been a lot going on in my life, on multiple fronts, these last few months. As a result things have left me a little unnerved and plenty absent-minded (I could start up a separate comic blog to talk about my absent-mindedness and its crazy impacts). Enough has been happening to draw the attention of my friends. With the result that I received a concerned call from our minister yesterday, wondering if I needed a spiritual tune-up. An offer that, of course, I gladly accepted. We had breakfast this morning before service. Our minister, is indeed a gem of a person and it was a great comfort talking to her. Most importantly, she pointed out in abstract terms the different ways my life had been influenced though not radically changed in the past few months. In a way it corroborated my recent reflections about emerging patterns in my life, leading me to wonder:

Is the Universe sending me certain signals that I need to heed?

I am usually given to living my life in a some-what organized fashion, an organization that is usually bounded by the daily jumble, toss and tumble. Lately, I have been standing back and in re-evaluating the bigger picture I am beginning to find certain emerging patterns.

For example, how specific topics of conversation arise on different occasions in completely different companies, without my own initiative, and how each such conversation seems to be a continuation of the previous one. When I think of such discussions, the people involved in the discussion become a blur. The only thing that remains with me is the harmony and easy flow in the discussion sequence. Its as if, I am having a conversation with the Universal Consciousness, and the Universe is engaging me over and over again through friends and strangers, challenging me to look beyond the obvious.

Of course, the cynic in me wrinkles the nose (we have only one!) and says ... "Nonsense! You will find patterns when you are looking for one." Which is true ... but then why would we want to look for a specific pattern? An untimely death of a friend, a personal experience that took me close to being severly injured if not dead, the unexplained deaths of at least 2 friendships, spiritual deaths at work and other such episodes that have brought abrupt endings without closure seem to be coinciding with conversations that pertain to 'the passage' often... and with people who have no idea about these happenings in my life. Well... thats when I start identifying a pattern, and duely find one.

Whether its the Universe engaging me in a conversation or me consciously connecting dots on the slate of my experiences, there certainly is an emergent pattern that cannot be ignored.

Pride week

2006-06-14T21:21:00.000-06:00

Celebrate diversity with pride ...

Home at last

2006-06-12T20:33:00.000-06:00

Its been a month since the fire. And I have just finished unpacking my last box, and putting it away into my storage unit in the basement. All the laundry is done as well and things seem to be smelling less and less of the smoke. In fact I feel that I am at last home again since that night.

In between there were 2 weeks of business trips, a wedding in Houston, the unfortunate and untimely demise of a very respected mentor, friend and colleague and finally a crisis at work consisting of lots of flared tempers! Lots of disorientation all in the course of a month.

But as I said... I am feeling stable and at home once again, typing in my blog, sipping a glass of red wine and listening to the BBC World. Of course, home feels a little empty, given that my new apartment has a lot more space than my previous apartment. So currently most of my living-dining space is looking like a football field.

Of course, the time is just right to go and buy new furniture. I am planning to get a new dining set and a futon to add another living space. I am also looking for a bamboo/tissue screen and a corner bar with a couple of bar stools... Well! Well! Its going to be interesting to see how many of those I actually land up buying. I am going my old principle of not buying used furniture...

I have a few good ideas to write about tonight... but I am sooooo tired !

Later!

Working from Ho...

2006-05-22T14:40:00.000-06:00

No I'm not working from home. Infact, while this may sound strange, I was homeless for a week, last week because there was a fire in my apartment. (officially smoked out!!!). Just had enough time to resolve moving/slavaging issues and now I am back on the road running/driving/flying from point to point on business. Hence, I have been mostly "working from Hotel". Turning a hotel suite into an office in minutes, meeting with my students on the desk phone, sending out a zillion emails and packing up in minutes ... before taking the next flight. Most 'work' nowadays seems to be coordinating and writing. A lot of coordinating.

Strangely, the road feels like home. Driving to and fro Chicago, I've learnt where to get cheap gas and where to get good Thai food in Wisconsin. Last week, dealing with all the consequences of the fire was so stressful, getting back on the road yesterday was refreshing, nay relieving. It was like coming home at the end of a long week!

Having just moved in (all my boxes are yet unpacked) to a new apartment before I left, I wont be able to say the same when I return middle of next week.

The rest of the summer promises to be as busy.

Rocky mountain high!

2006-05-11T18:50:00.000-06:00

Looks like I spoke too soon about Spring settling in. Lady Winter seems to be casting a last, long glance. Its cold, wet and dreary. Something in between sleet and snow seems to be beating down on my living room window and the wind is howling like a mad dog.

Anyway, I spent the last weekend vacationing up in the Canadian Rocky mountains. To start with its important to clarify that the Rockies really are walls of rock... not the traditional triangular peaks that we assume all mountains to be. Sometimes they converge in sharp jagged peaks, but often enough they take the liberty to look like ... say a table or some piece of broken furntiture that badly needs repair... Whatever shape they take, there is probably only one word that fits 'em all: Majestic.

Driving out from Calgary on the Trans Canada, as the rolling Prairies gave way to a violent urge to touch the skies and the soft corn fields exploded into bare rocks with jagged edges, I felt a strange feeling of surrender. A sense of awe mixed with a sense of extreme peace.

Awe because of the sheer natural force I beheld. 85 million years ago, two continental land masses collided and in the violence of the collision was born the Rocky mountains. To this day they bear testimony to the catastrophic incident ... ocean floor rising thousands of feet, killing all in its wake. Over the years, the forces of wind and water have lovingly carressed, carved and sculpted each mountain into a unique figure ... many jagged edges have been smoothed and corners rounded ... yet many remain.

Standing thus, in front of such a magnificent display of force, change and the passage of time, I could not help feeling the very insignificance of our lives. All of human history ... its' constant embattlements and suffering, its' constant search for the divine,its' quest to know, control and conquer, to seek love and glory ... seemed to be minuscule. While we tend to forget and often resist, our fates and destinies are also part of this continuous process of change. It gives new perspectives to what we consider immediate and what we consider unimportant and distant. It made me wonder if our short temporal windows to existence and life often robbed us of the bigger picture that we live within.

Somewhere from that feeling of surrender, I felt a surge of joy. As if all my fears were gone, all my mistakes had been forgiven and the wide world was throwing open its arms in a gesture of welcome. I was no more tied by my history, limited by my ambitions, or defined by my self. Instead, as I gazed at the walls of rock, I felt like I was one with them, one of them, included and welcomed. In that brief moment all the world and I shared a dialogue that celebrated all our diversity and similarity. The pine trees, the beetles, the elk, the azure lakes, the smell of sulphur in the mountain caves, the bears seeking honey ...

I felt one with the universe, atuned to the rhythms that throbbed through all of it.

I felt love.

Spring ...

2006-04-23T18:37:00.000-06:00

... has indeed arrived. A few obstinate patches of snow on the ski-hill trace the swish of Lady Winter's frigid cloak as she retreats and Spring with its verdant promise gently traipses in.

Spring showers, quick and short ... sunshine, peeping in between the clouds, playing hide and seek, getting caught in errant water droplets and bursting out into beautiful rainbows, like the irresistable joy in the laughter of youth. The springs and creeks overflow with the same joy as they gurgle and meander through the woods and gush into the lake. The lake is impatient. She is finally free to ebb and flow in ancient celestial rhythms and dance with the wind, having finally broken free from the frigid spell of winter. The ground is warm and wet with potential and bears good news as the first saplings spring to life. Of course, our animal friends are waking up from their wintry slumbers too. Deer, black bears, possums, rabbits ... and of course the ubiquitous worms and spiders. April is here, who knows what spendid plenties Summer will yield.

The seeds I started a couple of weeks back have all germinated under my make-shift greenhouse in one corner of my living room. Corriander, cilantro, basil, tomatoes and a bevy of flowering marigolds and blue love mists. In a week they will be ready to be transfered to the garden (hopefully, Lady Winter will not look back and spare us a late frost or worse, a spring snow storm!). I am surprised at how many of the seeds germinated. The little saplings are jostling for space as they crane their weak stems towards sunlight ... i.e. 2 incandescent GE lamps!! (Ah! the naivete of childhood)

The school year has drawn to a close. The chaos of finals weeks dawns on us tomorrow. The final mad rush before we mellow down and settle into the summer term. Much as I am looking forward to the comparative quiet of the summer time, and the peace and quiet to work on research, it always feels sad to bid the students farewell. Much as I complain about how impossible it is to write a paper when students pop in every five minutes with questions, I will miss the fervour and enthusiasm that such questions come with.

Among other things, yesterday I walked a black labrador (I spend Saturday afternoons at the Humane Society, finding solace in doggy breath and feline whiskers) called Susie. As soon as I met her she made it very clear to me that the Design Process(!) that created her had made a terrible mistake. She did not like the idea of crawling on all fours and was extremely vexed that she could not stand up on her hind legs ... I mean, her feet (Sorry, Susie!) shake paws, look at you in the eyes and generously lick your face. (Maybe, Susie is starting the Canis Erectus line!). I agreed with her, so everytime she ran down the hill and jumped straight up to my chest (I love you Susie, and you did bowl me over more than you needed to!) I had to hold her paws while she genrously licked every square inch of my face.

There is nothing more genuine and unconditional in the animal kingdom than a generous lick and doggy breath. It is unembarrased, unprepared, nothing held back, a simple gesture of unassumed affection. We mouth freshner popping humans have a lesson to learn.

In the mean time, go find someone to lick... I mean kiss, Spring is in the air :)

You never know!

2006-04-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

In my last reasonable post I had a sense of apprehension... a feeling that something was waiting to happen ... strangely enough, something did happen :) Its been almost 3 months and I don't want to go into long drawn details but a quick glimpse follows:

Driving down on a snowy night to Chicago ... catching a glimpse of the moon through a crack in the clouds

The plane landing at the airport ... trepidation, excitment...

San Francisco.

Holding hands.

San Francisco again.

Driving down to Monterey, while listening to a mix of Hindi pop ... looking for a fair trade coffee shop... almost getting lost and late ... almost!

Entertaining guests on the night of the Oscars.

Sunsets.

Frying puris ... and not being able to keep up withhow fast they were getting eaten up!

Quiet evenings spent in the warmth of candles and the essence of sandalwood ...

Life has changed. Of course the usual stuff happened in this whilrwind, teaching, writing proposals, grading, meetings, church ... life goes on, a little bit sweeter :)

Am-a-sham, Big-at-Babble

2006-01-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

Clip-n-Clap, Clippety Cloppety
Chomp Chomp,
Chump-a-Dump
Dump-a-dandy, Draw-a-Doodle
Didik-Di-Dai, Di-Dai, Di-Dai
Eeeks-cheeks,
Fie-Fo-Fum
Fiddle-diddle, Geeky-Googly
Higgledy-piggledy, Hanky-panky,
Hoity-toity,
Iffity-jiffity,
Jolly-kolly, Kinky-pinky
Kick-a-po-poo, Lick-a-loo-too
Loony-toony,
Moon-a-toon
Nickel-tickle, Oompa-loompa
Oops-a-daisy, Pompety Pom,
Peggy-ooo-lear,
Quench-a-Quickie
Rompety Romp, Rouse-a-rabble
Stomp-a-tromp, Tweety-tweet
Tickled-pink,
Ugly-tugly
Voodoo-shoodu, Volume-sholume
Wink-at-a-twink, Wobble-a-wonk
Xylo-phylo
Yikes-tikes
Zinga-Zoonga, all in Zest!

Tomorrow!

2006-01-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

My life is becoming like a movie in which nothing-really-happens and yet there is a constant tension seething under the covers. Like slowly moving molten magma under a volcanic dome ... a deferential silence maintained as the imminent explosion is patiently expected.

I am nervous with apprehension ... it wakes me up at night and startles me during the day. Sometimes I look forward to what may happen with joy, at other times I am afraid and want time to freeze so that I will never have to go beyond the 'now'. Most of the time I vascillate between cynicism and gratitude... My cynicism, because its going to be yet another day in a life in which nothing-really-happens, is quickly replaced by thankfulness when I think of all the horrible things that might happen ... because nice things happen seldom. And so with my baggage of joy, fear, cynicism and gratitude, all rolled into a neat rucksack, I traipse through time.

And yet, I hope ... while I wait patiently ...

Like Patience on a monument,
Green and yellow with melancholy

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Nothing in particular

2006-01-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

Its been one of those weekends. Started off with a Friday evening at the bar where I stayed too long and babbled a lot more than I should have. I wish I could control myself a little more and be a little less opinionated. Anyway, the damage is done!

Saturday morning: went skiing for a few hours. It was followed by an enjoyable lunch with friends. Other than that I officially brooded through the weekend. Took care of chores such as laundry, but got NO work done. School starts tomorrow and I feel like I haven't had enough of a break.

K' very kindly gave me 2 packs of frozen blackberries yesterday, which had defrosted by the time I got home, and needed immediate attention to avoid a rot. I had initially intended to bake a blackberry pie, but being too lazy, I decided to blend them into a juice that I could use as a health drink (!). But laziness seldom pays. The blended blackberries were so dense that it was barely drink-worthy. It also ruined all chances of making a pie of the berries and made the rot-meter reading even more critical. So I ended up baking a blackberry-almond cake... thats an almond cake with 2 cups of flour, 2 cups of sugar, 3 eggs, 1 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp vanilla extract, a drop of lime juice, the blended backberries and of course the almonds, baked for 45 minutes at 375F. It turned out pretty well. It went from being the disaster of the weekend to making a last minute sharp turn to be the brightest spot.

Oh well!

Yet again...

2006-01-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Holiday season is over. The New Year is here. The following lines, adapted from Howard Thurman come to mind:

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of the holydays begins:

To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry,
To release the prisoner,
To rebuild nations,
To bring peace among
brothers and sisters,

To make music in the heart.

Even as we bid farewell to the old order and usher in the new, most things remain the same. The opposites of love and hate continue to battle everyday as human history is written and re-written, every moment, in the blood of the fallen warriors. A history that weaves together the joys of the victor and the ignominy of the vanquished and all else in between, producing a garment of many hues that relates the pain of the living and the beauty of life ... the music in our hearts.

Its still snowing and we have a long grey winter ahead, before the varied hues of spring take over.

Be Merry

2005-12-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

A snowflake in the middle of your palm.

Snowy Feathers

2005-12-18T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I went bird watching in the lovely snowy woods with K. As she pointed out, in doing so we joined the Audubon Scoiety's international Christmas Bird Count. For most of the part we bushwhacked, me in snoe shoes and K on X-country skiis. The time was indeed very well spent. The woods were beautiful and quiet. The snow formations on the bare branches reminded us of all sorts of things - ranging from candy and marsh mellows to shaving cream :)

But really the most gorgeous part of it all was the pervasive softness ... I do not want to refer to it as silence, because there was the hush of the falling snow, the shush of a gentle breeze making the trees shower us with snow, the muffle of the water in the stream, the shuffle of life amidst a scene that loves to hide it behind its thick white silky drapes ... all of those silent sounds and visions cummulatively forming a soft and deep wonder. The evidence of life when it peeped out of the drapes was music to the ears, the chick-a-dee-dee of the chickadees and the chuk-chuk of the woodpeckers, not to mention the regular grid patterns on the tree trunks giving away the art work of so many woodpeckers that inhabit the wintry woods.

Of course winter in all her beauty is pregnant (only slightly so right now, but growing...) with certain negativities that result in my shoveling woes (or should I say scooping woes... the scoop is post-shovel) ... but hey, this might eventually give me those 6-packs I hear so much about!

Seeking freedom... again!

2005-12-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

I had gone to bed and not being able to sleep... started listeing to my thoughts. Couldn't not note some of them.

I saw the trailer of 'Brokeback Mountain' online today. Very touching. I am scared of watching the movie. Maybe I won't. That scene in the trailer where he holds the shirt and jacket ... memories flood back, hits too close to home ... enough said, the movie has made its mark on me already.

I was thinking to myself, there can be two kinds of situations (states) related to 'relationships' (the 'R-word' as one of my friends used to say) one is when you are in a fulfiling one, we shall call it the Value state and the other is when you are in a situation of unreciprocated love, a state we shall refer to as the Pain state. Typically people vascillate between these two states, often within the same relationship, sometimes across different relationships.

What happens when you are in neither of those states? Its a strange feeling. Like an untethered boat drifting down the river, at the mercy of the tides ... sometimes gently floating downstream, sometimes being dashed agianst rocks in the rapids. Often such a state is referred to as 'being free.' But in reality, there is no freedom when the boat really is at the mercy of the tides. Just momentary starts and rushes ... wasted energy with no necessary direction. Freedom lies, indeed, in the vascilation between the Value and the Pain. It is the freedom to feel... to feel human, instead of retiring all your faculties that deal with feeling.

While I complain not about my life, I do sometimes long for the pain that once made me wander on grey rainy afternoons aimlessly down wooded trails, uncertain if it was the rain that moistened my cheeks, or if it was the unknown grip wrenching my heart. I dare not seek Value, but yes, I do long for the Pain... it once set me free.

Happy days!

2005-11-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

Lots of good friends, fun and food. Thats the 3F rule :)

4 years and counting . . .

Lighten up!

2005-11-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Christmas tree in the town square, outside my apartment has lit up like ... you guessed it, a Christmas tree. The holidays are here. Drop by your address and I'll send you a New Years card. Meanwhile, enjoy that pie and turkey and drink an extra peg of rum for your health and mine.

The snowflake!

2005-11-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

i sit in one corner of my living room
dimly lit by a lamp in the opposite corner
a string of colored lights line my picture window
casting a warm glow round the room

the window frames a fairy foreland
pristine white all around
the hills in the distance - white!
the wind - howling as it races down the streets
whistling as it explores new alleys, corners and niches

i sit and watch the snowflakes prance
now heading east - motivated, in a hurry
like an army storming a fort
only to stop abruptly in a swirling eddy
suddenly lost - confused
only to find direction again.

but hark! it is not confusion
it is but a dance that the snowflakes dance
i see the rhythm - i listen to the music
the stopping and starting
the jaunting and jiving

i turn on a waltz and as i look out
I see - the rise and fall
now the man crisply driving,
now the woman carelessly drifting
now they both swirl into each other's arms

i wish i were a snowflake
free to flow,
free to follow the wind,
free to dance,
free to defy gravity...

even if only to eventually fall
to softly and genlty settle
to return once again to the volume
from where it all begins

i sit in one corner of my living room
dimly lit by a lamp in the opposite corner
a snowflake enjoying the dance
swaying to many tunes -
now a nocturne, now a waltz

where shall i fall?
when shall i fall?

Dogosophy

2005-11-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since I last posted. Just caught up in the humdrum of life. Work, family, friends, (have got myself a bunch) chores at home, dealing with my uncle . . . all at the speed of life.

This morning a friend asked me an interesting question while we were walking. She has known me for a short while and I feel very comfortable with her, almost like I've known her for a long time. Going back to the question she asked: "Are you a recluse? You had indicated that you were. Explain why you said so." Clearly all my recent social acrobats and the number of people I tend to be friends with made her wonder why I had in the first place claimed to be a recluse.

I thought over it and realized that though I tend to think more and more of myself as a recluse, I tend to be rather extroverted and am more often prone to putting my foot in my mouth and stuffing it down my throat rather than hiding it safely in my apartment. But I think that as I have grown older, even though I continue to be a very extroverted person, I have become more and more detached from life and the people I am with. I love people and meeting them and knowing them, but never find myself bonding with them. Add to that I have no hassles spending time by myself and very often have no problems cuddling up with a book and a glass of wine (I've been doing that every evening almost) or watching a movie by myself (tons) without feeling depressed about it. So I guess I am an extrovert recluse. My friend bought my answer. :)

Among other things. I walked a basset hound this evening at the Humane Society. His name was: Sam, a complete philosopher. He lead me down a trail (very politely letting me know which direction it preferred by timely tugs) that lead to a spot on a ridge that looked down to a valley and you could see the sun setting on the opposite hills. I loved the view. Once we reached there, he sat down with his face to the sun and gave me a "and-won't-you-join-me" look. It was very very peaceful. We sat there for a little while watching the sun dip. Man and dog and nature . . . all bowing in silence to the setting sun. I hope Sam enjoyed the walk in the woods, 'cause he sure did make my day.

GDP!

2005-10-23T14:06:00.000-06:00

I have always considered the GDP to be a very limited measure of growth and the economist's world view as one based on easy assumptions that, while not completely flawed definitely need to be revisited. Have never had the time or patience to dwell on it in this space. So if you are interested let me point you to a discussion on the topic that Dilip D. is intiating. There!

In between laundry and the bills

2005-10-23T13:32:00.000-06:00

... is 'updating my blog' on my list of Sunday chores!!! Sad but true. I've been so busy lately haven't had time to breathe. Business related travel, buying a car, getting more involved with my church and of course work, work and work and ... oh yes, work!

Anyway, managed to catch up with an old friend who happened to be in the same area as my last trip. It was great... I love meeting up with old friends, especially after long gaps, because its an occasion that reflects change, in the time that has passed in between. Its often difficult in the mad rush of the mundane to notice how we are all changing, which of course we are all the time, slowly but surely. I was glad to find thinning hair the only thing on the list of "changes" that I disagreed with my friend on. All other changes seemed fun and it was great synching up again.

Meanwhile, winter seems to be settling in. The fall colors are fading and the forests are looking more and more like broom-sticks up for sale. And the wind like a true salesman in howling for customers, as it slickly pries its way into every nook and corner leaving behind a chill and no leaf unturned. Which, of course makes sense, given that Haloween is round the corner and I am sure the neighbor-hood witch and wizard are looking for a new wand and a tough fuel-efficient broom stick.

Well Diwali is round the corner too. So we light our candles side by side with our carved pumkins and invite the weird, the strange, the preposterous, the outrageous and the good ol' normal to sit down to a sumptuous dinner of tandoori chicken and saag paneer. There's going to be enough space to park your cars and brooms and stack up your hats and hoods and a stand for your sticks, umbrellas and wands.

Anyway, now I need to move on to the bills.

Festive season

2005-10-04T19:39:00.000-06:00

This is the festive season in Bengal. The season which makes us all feel joyous and good. Unfortunately all is not well for our brothers and sisters. South Bengal is still flooding and rivers are breaking levees and leaving the poorest of the poor homeless and stranded in water. While Calcutta prepares to celebrate with the usual glamour and fanfare, the voices of the flooded usually get wiped off the mainstream. My prayers for them. (Thats about all we can do... )

But in the middle of it all here is a beautiful story. It moved me.

A prayer for all human beings to find their humanity, this Pujo.

Wet

2005-10-04T19:12:00.000-06:00

Exactly reflects my pov on coming out... especially at the work place. Of course, its one of those slightly self defeating arguments. The premise is: My job should have nothing to do with my personal life, so why bother to come out. Well if truely work has nothing to do with our personal lives then why not come out!!! Of course the issue is, that most of the time we don't come out at work is to avoid discrimination (least resistance). Which of course means that our personal lives do influence our work place performance. Like a cat running after its own tail.

Lately the weather has been wet and cold. The rain droplets on my window pane are making it look like a shimmering curtain of glass beads. Light from the street lamp is being bent by the water to the remotest corners of my living room. The reflections are scaring my poor pumpkin, and the twinkle of the holiday lights seem to mingle with the shimmer of the raindrops.

The clouds keep coming in from the lake, spilling over the hills through the colored forests into the valleys where we live. Invading our hearts and minds with a touch of damp melancholy.

Gandhi and Apple Pie!

2005-10-02T14:23:00.000-06:00

Today is Gandhi's birthday and a good time to re-examine and understand his values of non-violence in a world torn by strife. Thats exactly what the church service this morning dealt with; the all importance of dialogue without the easy recourse to violence and war. My reflection for the day is: Gandhi after his relentless efforts at bringing freedom to the sub-continent abstained from the Indian Independence Day celebrations as they were marred by the riots and violence that followed the partition. Ironic.

My grandmother (who is a terribly smart woman!) was a little girl during partition and to this day she has vivid, horrid memories of how they had to leave "in whatever they were wearing." It is indeed interesting that years hence, while she was in Cleveland, OH (my uncle was there in the 80s) she adopted a Bangladeshi Muslim woman. I find great solace in this story and have learnt that sometimes the best way to heal wounds is not by taking revenge but by compassionately giving of oneself.

On a slightly different note, its been a beautiful weekend so far. The trees are a riot of colors and there is the smell of harvest in the air. I went to the farmer's market yesterday and got a dozen apples. Organically grown, some of them even had worms in them... delightful! Then I spent all afternoon baking an apple pie. It turned out pretty well. The crust was a trifle too crunchy, but if you don't mind a crumbling crust, its delicious. Now the house is smelling of apples and cinamon.

Drop by if you want a slice of the pie. Its sitting on my kitchen table :)

The Cinema!

2005-10-01T12:44:00.000-06:00

To start with lets get this clear once and for all, there is no space for censorship of artistic expression in a free society. And I will not entertain any stupid arguments like, 'oh! but what if art incites crime.' Thats like saying we need to ban religion because religion does in fact incite crime (in case you didn't notice, the worst genocides in human history have had religious motivations! Art has had a far better track record.)

Uber Homme in his most recent blog raises an interesting question that I have on many occasions discussed in various friend circles. What is the role of cinema in society? I will take the liberty of adressing the question in the context of cinema as a medium of artistic expression.

Professionally I am an engineer... and at the risk of making a sweeping generalization, it is fair to say that engineers usually tend to be very conservative. So most people I have/continue to work with, often don't see the distinction between art and entertainment and the typical response from such quarters is: Well, cinema and the performing arts, is part of the entertainment industry. This attitude is, strangely, quite prevalent in the "main stream" and big "industries" like Bollywood and Hollywood, which more often than not dish out productions that are mostly lame narratives with no vision, aimed at pandering to the conservative mainstream (CM). Thus "sex and violence" in a movie is treated as a selling point. The CM love it and don't complain about it as long as the movies are philosophically vacuous (plain fun!!) and they can walk away "feeling good"!! That is a major chunk of the market and it mostly drives commercial and mainstream (uggh! how i hate that word) cinema.

Now of course there is the parallel stream of avant garde cinema that is often referred to as "art films" or "art house cinema"... just to remind you that they make an attempt at art and you may not walk away "feeling good". So while the plastic Aishwarya Rais and the lips-pressed-agianst-a-glass-pane Angelina Jolies make glamorous guest appearances in every other staright man's fantasy, the Shabana Azmies of the world need to go and shave their heads to attract attention to burning social issues... most of the time only being successful in attracting ridicule and insult. Such movies are rarely viewed by the CM, partly also because they are rarely marketed to them. However, on the rare occasion that they do get attention it is usually because someone's sensibilities have been offended and politicians (especially in the sub-continent) ride high on such situations in proving their high moral fiber and their ability to protect the people from such corruption. Usually it brings about censorship, or in America (where thankfully censorship is absent) new labels like "family friendly" or simple social censorship (Sponge Bob square pants is gay and a no-no from the the Family some-council or the other!). While I make no claims about the quality of all such productions, I underscore that this is the cinema space that we need to look at to understand the role of cinema in society.

Today cinema is the most commonly consumed artistic medium. Everybody watches movies, though everybody may or may not go to the opera, theater or art exhibitions. Therefore the purpose of art in society is best fulfilled through the medium of cinema. And that brings us to the purpose of cinema in society: Cinema like any other art needs to provoke. It needs to challenge the individual to examine their lives and be an agent of change. Why? because otherwise we tend to too often fall into comfort zones and not only resist change but also breed intolerance to new ideas and methods.

This is not new. For centuries artists all over the world have served this purpose. To creatively think beyond the boundaries of the norm and to redefine it. Clearly all their ideas are not practical or feasible, but then how can we know if they aren't allowed to express. Besides, if I may point out, most revolutionary ideas that have indeed changed the world, have often started off by not being well received and in fact being very unpopular.

The fool in the King's court, immortalized in so many of Shakespeare's plays, has in his folly spoken wisely and dared to point out that which no other could... all behind the mask of theater, of playful banter. They have simulated 'what-if' scenarios in the King's court and provoked thought... using their liscence for folly to explore realms that any other courtier would not dare suggest. Fools were able to envision and express freely with scant regard to existing hierarchies. Hence, the artistic liscence, the need for art to go beyond the established, not reinforce it. Hence, the open-minded, liberal and often nebulous thinking patterns among artists.

In today's world where the predominant culture is extremely anti-intellectual and the emphasis is consistently more on form than function, its critical that cinema, be allowed to freely capture nuanced views of life today, nuanced representations and interpretations of history (note, not revise history or assult its factual integrity) and freely explore "what-if" scenarios, however unpopular. There in lies the promise of change.

ps: while I foul mouth both Bollywood and Hollywood all the time, its important to point out that all the movies about inter-caste/inter-community/inter-race romance in the 60s and 70s went a long way to liberalize the way people think. Any form of censorship, no matter how trivial, can only do harm. I hope that even as I speak, there is change afoot, the results of which we will see many years hence.

Brooks and the Bank

2005-09-29T19:14:00.000-06:00

Tom DeLay is hopefuly going to be in prison! Good! The Times editorial today featured David Brooks kind of justifying Tom DeLay... nay glorifying him for having made mistakes for the sake of the party! He talks about politics being a team game and everything TD did was for the team!!! Typical David Brooksian balderdash!!! Somebody remind him the "politics" happens to be part of public service... and the only team politicians need to be playing for is the public good. Goodness gracious me!!! Now thats an idea!!!! Oh, David Brooks!!!

Now it is interesting that his Times editorial page has a link to Andrew Sullivan. I don't quite know how to react to that.

Anyways, the other piece of news that I am cautiously optimistic about is that the World Bank and IMF have finalized plans to provide debt relief to a bunch of African countries. Why am I cautiously optimistic... because they have been doing this with debts or providing aid to poor developing countries for ages in turn for making fledgling markets that provide cheap labor and resources completely open for corporate exploitation. Lots of examples in Latin America. Lets see what happens. Meanwhile read this.

What do I speak!

2005-09-27T19:57:00.000-06:00

Check out this site:

Your Linguistic Profile:

40% General American English

35% Yankee

20% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Turning over a new leaf

2005-09-27T19:27:00.000-06:00

Enough... all my posts are boring, way too serious, about 10 miles long and completely devoid of humor. Its not surprising, given my profession (or should I say vocation). This blog is getting more and more didactic and entirely ridiculous.

So I shall turn over a new leaf and try to be funny, very short, to the point, indulge in idle banter and not talk about serious matters!

Hmmm!!! Now I don't know what to say.

UU

2005-09-25T16:13:00.000-06:00

I have had quite a nice weekend. Starting with a nice evening with my colleagues on Friday. I guzzled down quite a few beers followed by a couple of gin 'n tonics and after a few good arguments with one of my colleagues came back home feeling rather happy!!! Its been a while since I had a hearty argument and I was thrilled :)

Had breakfast at V's on Saturday morning and then spent the rest of the day catching up with some reading that I had been putting away for one reason or another. In the evening I went for a play. It was an original production the theme focusing on different variations of characters out of the wild west. I enjoyed it. At the theater I also met a rather nice girl, N', who has also recently moved here from somewhere in the east coast. It was nice talking with her. I hope to see her again soon. She looked like the kind of person who'd be fun knowing. Lets see.

This morning, I at last got myself to go to the local Unitarian Universalist service. Its been a long time (more than 2 years) since I have been wanting to join the congregation and for one reason or another I kept putting it off. The final push I guess came this summer when I was visiting Oak Park, IL studying Frank Loyd Wright's architecture, and I found myself in an Unitarian Church that he had designed. I liked the atmosphere and that was the final push. In any case, this morning I finally managed to land up at their door.

This calls for a brief explanation about my faiths/beliefs. I am for all intents and purposes an Agnostic who comes from the Hindu tradition. Having gone to a Catholic school (and everybody else in the family having done so too) the Bible was not foreign to us while growing up. At home we were never instructed in any religion per se, the emphasis having always been on humanistic principles of truth and honesty. Ramkrishna and Swami Vivekanada were always there as guiding lights: good practical humans who exemplified the humanistic principals. Vivekananda with his inspiring practical speeches, Ramkrishna with his record of having practiced every religion and Sister Nivedita balanced the equation with her devoted service. All in all you have the foundations for a faith that puts humanity ahead of everything else. It also compounded the understanding that all religions are worthy of respect, and each had something wonderful to offer.

At home we primarily celebrated Durga Pujo, Kali Pujo and Saraswati Pujo (staples of Bengali socio-cultural life) and the other staple for a lot of people, Christmas (Borodin!) and New Years. For Id, it was a custom to eat a good biryani from Shiraz or Amina (oooooh!), and of course how can you ever forget that the best confectionary in the city: Nahoum's in New Market (Inspite of all the new fangled stuff these days, I still swear there is nothing as good as a rum-ball from Nahoum's) is the oldest Jewish business in the country. So all in all, I grew up with a strong belief in goodness and also the understanding that religions were essentially about celebrations... which automatically translated to good food, new clothes and always lots of fun. In Bengal there is a saying, "Bangali'r baro mash-ey tero parbon" - translated: Bengalis have 13 festivals in 12 months. So we grew up enjoying each of these festivals: the pearls that intersperced the colored beads in the necklace of our lives.

After I left Calcutta, I have never been able to find that same joy again. Bengalis the world over get together for Pujo and try their best to recreate that wonderful feeling of joy, that so closely defines the community in Bengal. But the further we get in time the more ritualistic such practices become, disconnected from the context to which they belong, till they lose their meaning. In the last few years, I have often found myself disappointed or even opting out of such occasions because of ridiculous reasons like "I'm tired." The spiritual nourishment is missing.

In the meantime I also came out, and be it enough to say that in the midst of such ritualistic practices, where the focus is on holding on to that which is lost, growth is limited and I don't expect any acceptance either. In fact the strong ritualistic edge scares me at times.

So here I am, almost thirty, a single professional, gay man who is still in touch with his humanistic spiritual background but without any opening to express or practice. The UU kind of fills in the space. Here are the main reasons why I chose the UU:
* They are the only liberal religion in the country with principals that are deeply seated in humanistic and spiritual approaches to equality and social justice. Read their principals.
* They emphasize on the plurality of religion, which is in itself a step ahead of the polytheistic approach and miles ahead of the narrow confines of monotheism.
* Its a congregation that is affirming to the BGLT community.

I liked what I heard and saw this morning. It was very welcoming and I was glad to see a couple of Indian families there. I look forward to getting involved with the community.

After the service, I went shopping and came back with a carved pumkin lamp (that sits on my picture window now, grimacing at passers by), holiday lights that I like to decorate my living room with, a bunch of candles (that I can't light because I forgot to get matches!!) and a wreath of dried maple leaves and berries that I have put up on my front door.

a touch of e.e.c.

2005-09-22T18:02:00.000-06:00

Katarina... now Rita. what can we do? is this how every hurricane season is going to be. only the Gods (the secular variety) know!

a few interesting epithets i recently came across

"sooner or later everybody has to meet the great silence alone"

the other was:

"the goal of life is not to make it to the grave gracefuly with the body intact and in great shape, but instead to just about make it and fall in sideways all tattered and worn out" ... of course there is the option of not making it to the grave at all but to instead burn out ...

i am looking forward to watching the movie 'proof.' (ebert's review is interesting, imdb review... rife with stereotypes: "mostly this is a story of a family and the deep ties between a father and his daughter.") anyway, my opinion is bound to be biased, having grown up amidst physicists and mathematicians i can easily think of a proof as "hip" (damn! the only courses i did well in college were in math and physics ... which weren't too many... resulting in college being pretty dismal!) and feel terribly out of place in a world where the general opinion is that math is uncool and the stupid media ("we are stupid and not only do we love it, we also wear it as a badge of honor") is busy dumbing down things out of shape! anyway, i am looking forward to watching this movie. i have heard the clip about the crazy mathematician commenting on how crazy mathematicians never admit that they are crazy in a context where he agrees he is crazy... one too many times now. the media is tagging this age old contradiction as the "genius" in a movie which deals with "genius" and "schizophrenia." yeah its an important contradiction... but still!!

anyway, i'm feeling too bitter to be particularly talkative or figure out why I am feeling so bitter. also, i have run out of beer and as i'm already in my pjs and flipflops, its not worth going out to get a drink. (proves, i'm not an alcoholic yet!) so i'm feeling ridiculously sober! anyway, tomorrow is friday and thats good. plan to go and get a few beers after work with some colleagues. meanwhile i'm drinking orange juice!!

actually something just struck me... i can either be bitter or figure out why i am feeling bitter... i cant possibly feel bitter and also figure out why i am feeling that way at the same time.

watered down, pop application of the uncertainity principal i guess... let me try to say it:

in every living moment there is joy, we can't always find it... the reason why we feel joy so seldom is because we can either look for joy in a moment or actually enjoy it having unknowingly hit the joy button.

hmm. i wonder if it'll also work if we substitute joy for misery... but then we seldom knowingly go looking for misery ... but then if we could substitute with misery or any other emotion, then it maybe that we hit joy, misery, bitterness and what-have-you with roughly the same frequency... normally distributed over a life time. the more active quest for smething (like joy) the more we miss it and lesse active the quest for something (like misery) the more we dread it.

how horrid, one might as well sit back and let life pass by and have as rich an experience... arguably a richer one because the only thing that is self-inflicted is disappointment - directly proportional to how hard you look for a particular emotion.

of course you could argue that even disappointment is but one in the range of all emotions and is also similarly normally distributed over a life time... in which case the relationship between quest and disappointment is wrong... or on the other hand, if the relationship between quest and disappointment holds and it is an exception and not really an emotion, then one could game the system by querying each moment actively for misery and thus noticing joy more often ... not only because they are not looking for joy, but also because the disappointment from not being miserable is really not such a bad feeling ...

i'm getting a headache. good night!

Katarina and global warming!

2005-09-18T16:42:00.000-06:00

I have ranted about how global warming has a serious role to play in some of the recent natural disasters (all the way from Katarina to the very severe monsoons in the sub-continent) and if you look at how much more severe and frequent weather events are becoming the world over, and link that witht the predictions of global warming (gw), clearly it would not be fair to meet out the treatment that was given to Trittin, the German environmental minister for his statements. I am very glad that he was brave enough to make his point and that the New Yorker has backed him up.

I don't even see how the statements are insensitive. He did not blame the poor people who are suffering and are indeed the people who are paying for years of bad energy policies and an irresponsible approach to the Kyoto protocol. He is simply blaming an administration that has even acknowledged its incompetence in dealing with Katarina and has an ambiguous and contradictory stance on global warming (all the way fron "don't believe in gw" (no puns here!) to the Kyoto protocol being "unsuitable")... and rightly so.

Environmentalists have been screaming themselves hoarse for a while and have gotten a reputation for being doomsday soothsayers. Now when doomsday strikes and world weather patterns are increasingly going the way the predictions of global warming are, they are made to look "insensitive" if they merely point out that they had warned before. But then all those warnings only showed world maps with Bangladesh drowned... not New Orleans!!!

You might also be interested in reading this article about the ruining of the wetlands in Mississippi. Horrid!

Minority rights

2005-09-18T14:20:00.000-06:00

This blog is long over-due. I've been mulling over this for a while. Let me see if I can put forth the thesis with some clarity.

Both in India and the US I have noticed that there is a certain section of the populace which get a red rash when you bring up the issue of minority rights. In the US these sections are aligned with the right wing, but in India where there is only one front, the wrong front, (our wings have been clipped!) it is difficult to use right/left generalizations.

The general argument of these people is that: This is a free country that promises equal rights and opportunites to all its citizens, then why should there be laws to "protect minorities" and give them "special rights"?

These are also, usually the very same people whose understanding of democracies is limited to "whatever the majority decides." So what is it that prevents such a society from fast becoming a tyranny of the majority?

Based on the above assertions, you could easily justify a situation where there is no affirmative action/reservation type programs and there is a majority concensus that a particular minority is "unsuitable" or "unacceptable." History presents us with such instances, institutionalized racism and a rigid caste system are merely some such examples. (Of course, we love to believe that we've got over both, in the US and India respectively).

So does that mean we provide dalits and harijans special rights to representation over everybody or make sure there is protection for every perceivable minority group. Believe me people will take advantage and declare minority status to suit their goals (Haven't we seen that in India with SC/ST candidates and the reservation system? The backward forward classes and the forward backward classes!!). The answer is clearly no.

The answer lies in what most democracies have: a written constitution underlying the rules and values that are the cornerstone of the democracy. Such documents provide broad guidelines that can be interpreted to provide fairness and direction to law making in society.

So pretty much for all minority rights issues the bottom line is: No its not about special rights for them, but to make sure that they are specially protected from the tyranny of the majority, so that they can avail what they are constitutionally promised. The protection is special, because without it, minority voices will get muffled.

This simplifies the matter, because now, irrespective of how you declare yourself as a minority, the point in question is, are you being denied a right that you are promised under the constitution. If you can prove thet there exists instances of "tyrannical majority" povs., that are stopping you from your fundamental rights to X, within the bounds of what is legally acceptable, you will be given the "special protection" against such "tyrannical majority" povs.

This is a job which requires judgement, and good judgement at that, and is left to the judiciary, who are expected to be wise men, who interpret the constitution in all fairness and without bias or prejudice. There can be many arguments on the different kinds of valid interpretations of the constitution, but thats for another day.

There is also the understanding of the representative government. Nowadays, in the US every controversial issue is put on the ballot. Well then, why does the state need a legislature or for that matter the congress and the senate? Just put it on the ballot and in the place of the legislature bring in a ballotature!!! Clearly there are certain issues that are easily settled through the ballot, but not issues involving minority rights.

This undermines the whole concept of having a an unbiased judiciary that will decide issues of conflict. Instead now laws are being made by the whims of all and sundry and most of the time is a sum total of their personal prejudices. In the 2004 election, the ballot against gay marriage was widely abused to literally carry an election on the basis of deep seated Bible belt prejudices. Nothing terribly wrong with their prejudices ... its a free country, but hey, should such prejudices be used to make laws and absolutely ensure a tyranny of the majority.

That is why minorities need to be specially protected by an unprejudiced judiciary, so that they can merely access what they rightly deserve, without falling prey to prejudices of a majority.

This argument applies to all minorities. In India, this applies to religious minorities, women and the historically oppressed. In the US it definitely applies to the black community and women. Neeless to say in both these countires it will apply to victims of human rights violations - child laborers, sexual minorities, victims of the flesh trade and so on.

Of course, somewhere down the line the issues get a lot murky and there is at least one instance where a reservation policy/affirmative action policy can be used to give minorities a legs up given that they are easily indentified communities that have been victims of generations of oppression and are currently so far in the race that it is not possible for them to compete on the same footing with the rest. Indeed in that case, what they have is not a special right, but a "special access" that hey have been historically denied. Then of course the question arises, how much "special access" and at what level... and also for how long. That is definitely for another day.

For the time being I think the conclusion is: yes minorities need special protections given by the judiciary, because otherwise they will fall prey to the whims, fancies and prejudices of a majority, especially when the mode of the representative government is ignored in the name of "democracy".

... otherwise, tomorrow we could easily make the case that given the demands on community X, it is in the interests of greater good, to not allow them to get married and have children, lest they should feel distracted. In these times of "dumb it down please" I wouldn't be surprised if you could get large sections of stupid populations to vote for it and pass it off as a democratic desire!!!

A point!

2005-09-17T23:29:00.000-06:00

If you've never read about or know of the companion flag, do take a look at this website and spread the awareness.

What else? Another Saturday gone by. I hate loosing Saturdays. Its the only day in the week I have to myself. Back to work tomorrow! Wait till another week rolls by teaching, writing papers, the usual humdrum... Another Saturday comes and soon dissolves in a flurry of laundry and cooking.

I shall go to sleep now.

Stereotypes!

2005-09-16T19:22:00.000-06:00

My stereotype: I hate stereotypes!

Talkative!

2005-09-16T18:08:00.000-06:00

Yeah! as the evening wears on I am getting talkative.

I have all the lights on in my living room and am listening to Rashid Khan singing in the Todi raag. There is something about his voice, the depth and texture, that makes it resonate within your being.

Hmm! brings to mind the nights I spent in college with a particular friend, listening to Rashid Khan, drinking whiskey, with the lights dimmed down ... getting lost in ourselves and the glimpse of eternity that we got through the music, without ever leaving the bounds of our hostel room.

Interestingly when I was in B' I gave that particular album away to another very favorite person of mine. She loved it and at that time it felt right that she should have it.

Few years later when I visited India I tried to look up that very album, to preserve the memories that remain entangled with it. Particularly beautiful memories of one particular evening. Unfortunately to no avail... I have never seen that album again, don't remember its name, just what it looked like and ... what it still evokes.

Summary!

2005-09-16T16:50:00.000-06:00

I'm exhausted! Tons of work all week... ending off with a flourish of empty paper work. But its over. I came back home and collapsed on my couch and passed out while they kept Considering All Things on radio.

My general impressions of the week:
1. UN meeting earlier this week. Kristof makes the whole bunch look really bad, and I tend to agree with his point. Looks like Bangladesh has lower child mortality rates than India. Hmm! Indians still haven't figured out good software to deal with child mortality. Meanwhile Indians have been writing software to teach math to children in Singapore! Guess, somebody needs to write code to reduce child mortality!!

2. After bungling around for 2 weeks in New Orleans and exemplifying the word 'incompetence', W ate humble pie ... (lets see, may be he'll soon do that about Iraq) and to top it all off declared today a National Day of Prayer!! Thats typically the faith-based approach. Fuck-up and then pray!

3. Theres all the debate over confirming the S. Court C. Justice John R. He doesn't feel like a terrible monster to me. He believes that the constitution is a changing document, believes in precedence and does not believe in the court taking too radical decisions too fast. Looks like he is a wee bit right of center, but also someone who may prove to be more liberal than S. Day O' C.

4. This morning there was talk about FEMA employees talking about how they screamed themselves hoarse as did the press about the oncoming onslaught of Katarina and how it fell on the deaf ears of upper management! Duh!

Enough of ranting!

On the personal front, nothing much is happening. I have been recently panicing about what will happen in case I get into a medical emergency at home. I could be in trouble even if the phone is right next to me, but I'm unconcscious. I know I'm paranoid and this is not the age to worry about dramatic exits, but... oh well! May be I really need to get a big Husky.

Nothing else. The chapy I wrote about in my previous blogs has been sited on 2 occasions since then! These 'sitings' make my adrenalin rush, but beyond that has little impact. Its not like I'm going to go up to him and say.. "Hey! Could I buy you a drink!"

And now I have a headache.

At last!

2005-09-11T15:54:00.000-06:00

Katarina... Ophelia brewing... cities drowning... gas prices shooting up!!!

At last there is one voice of reason that is pointing out something important and has been begging for attention for a long time now!!!

Hopefuly this is a wake up call we will heed!

Dilemma!

2005-09-10T14:12:00.000-06:00

What is a post-modern, urban, gay, left-leaning, reasonably well educated, man of Indian origin who has got used to cosmopolitan American and Indian cities supposed to do when he suddenly finds himself planted in the middle of the rural American Midwest?

Weekdays are fine... theres always enough work to do. Sometimes work spills over into the weekends. But pray, what about weekends when there isn't much work to do.

I read the New Yorker magazine cover to cover. Its usually a good read.

I cook on Sunday afternoons for the week, sending out complex fragrances of cumin, corriander, chilli and spices to do the rounds in my homogenious mid-western conservative Lutheran neighborhood. Hopefuly they will go out as emisaries carrying epistles of love and joy and such unattainable things as universal brother/sisterhood.

There is always the possibility of seeking out the local Indian community (theres one everywhere!). But most of the ones I've met so far seem extremely conservative and usually carry on in languages I don't speak. So I'm scared of them. I don't know why. I have tried to reason why I am scared of what one might consider "familiar ground."

But the truth is that its not just a fear of Desis... I avoid company all together. I am scared of mixing with people. This is strange since usually I have a good record of being out-going and friendly... and have always been surrounded by trustworthy friends and aquaintances ... the closest of whom and my family has been as supportive as they can be (and really thats a pretty good bit) while I went through my coming-out ups and downs. Then why should I be scared now... I should be making lots of friends.

May be its just the fear of so-called "family values" and my apparent "rejection" of such things in the face of my "life-style choice." Maybe I feel vulnerable to meet new people and let them know me, lest I get hurt by their judgement. Of course, in the process I have squarely judged them to be my worst fears without ever having put a face to the "thems".

When I try to put a face I usually come up with the following scary ones:
1. Huge-SUV driving homophobic "manly" white guys who could easily make mince meat of me before I could say "What the Dickens."
2. Righteous middle-aged women with a brood of children with raised eye brows talking about
"family friendly" shows in town... with an "if you know what I mean" at the end!
3. Indian men who are eagerly waiting for their parents to set up their marriages while they visit the local nude bar and talk about the superiority of "Indian culture" and our "family values" (and "Hindutva - damn the Muslims" if nobody is looking.)
4. Indian women, at the grocery store, who will look at you with suspicion if you so much as smile at them, out of courtesy.
5. Of course, then there are the types (across the board) who'll ask "... and how many chidren did you say you have?" Without so much as a "Are you married?"

Ok! Now that I've got all that out of my system... true these are all rotten streotypes and the real world isn't that bad...

I actually do land up having a hearty conv. every once in a while with strangers at the local brewery. Strangers I never meet again. Thats kind of nice, because frankly, the shorter I know people the less I need to explain, the less irritating the heterosexual assumptions and easier it is to just talk about the weather and such other trivial issues. It gives me the "human interaction" during what can easily become - 2 days of silence.

This morning I promised my Mother that "even though I wouldn't get married and do the usual stuff" she could look forward to a lot in my life... "different but fun" My aggressive optimism comforted her, but left me even more harried. I want to adopt a child... but if you do your research, you'll find its terribly difficult for a single man, with no record of any stable relationships to adopt a child without being assumed for a child molester! So when I see the parents with 5 kids... one part of me envies them and another part of me hates them. They can easily adopt (would rather bring 5 more brats in when there are millions unloved) and dont, and they can easily have zillions of babies (which is ridiculous) and do... and society condones it.

Which brings up marriage... not mine... just that people around me, my peers etc., are getting married left, right and center. I love to see them happy and boy do I get to crack some nice jokes. But hey, at the end of the day it leaves a tinge of alienation... a feeling of hopelessness. Of getting emotionally drained from being allowed to only cheer from the sidelines.

I did my usual morning breakfast at V's and got my espresso drink at ML's. Life is a lot better than I make it out to be. Indeed, this is not as much a rant as it is an observation of my social life (or the lack of it). On the positive side, I do have a supportive family, a bunch of great friends all over the world (my most recent is a French woman living in Japan!), I like my job, live in my own place that I am free to decorate as I please and food on my plate.

In times such as this I feel guilty of wasting resources, living by myself in a 2 bedrooom apartment. I could easily take in at least 2 homeless families from Katarina and support them for a while...

Really sometimes I wonder, what more can a man want? Indeed, what more!?

Labor day

2005-09-05T12:54:00.000-06:00

i worked the entire weekend and am feeling exhausted today. theres still cooking to be done. done with the groceries and laundry! Guess I can enjoy not laboring on labor day!

i went to V's yesterday. they know me by first name, i've been there so many times... what you'd call a regular. Yesterday she told me she rememebered the very first time i went to her place when I was considering moving to this town ("you were wearing a navy suit and a silver tie... right?" she asked) One of the perks of being in a small town i guess.

everytime i venture out of my apartment and am not going to work, i am always excited at the prospect of meeting someone interesting. And everytime, i walk back home with a mixture of disapointment and a "well what did you expect, anyway?" feeling

which is true... what do i expect anyway?

I have a free corner in my living room. Am contemplating setting up a humble bar there. Sometime soon, though not right now. With goblets and martini glasses, and a warm glow reflecting off a line of bottles. to keep me warm during the winter. Oh yes, i need bar stools too. very very important to have bar stools.

I think back to my years in S_. man i had quite a social life. Do I miss it? some people. I miss my immediate group of friends... (s,k,k,s,r,p,j) but beyond that... i am actually enjoying it. Well it would be nice to moor myself to one person, just so I don't loose my voice!

I'll be cooking some dinner tonight. will be set a table for 2... just in case someone "interesting" turns up.

Oh Well!

2005-09-03T21:20:00.000-06:00

Another Saturday morning. Brunch at V's followed by 3 intense hours at ML's reading the New Yorker. Half an hour afternoon nap and then back to work. Time flies when I work... all of a sudden it was 10pm. Sauntered around town... got dinner and now here I am.

"Nothing much" seems to be the general feeling... apparently. Well theres plent of work to talk about... but then thats work.

Oh well... I'm tired. Guess I'll go to bed, another day gone, another night will pass.

Came lookin' for a Blonde!

2005-08-28T15:20:00.000-06:00

Location: A bar at the local brewery. Nothing remarkable at first sight, could be any where in small town America. On further inspection, its a bar full of enlightened people, or at least some that consider themselves to be enlightened and some that surely believe they are on the way there.

Characters:
Tom: An unremarkable young chap with a glint in his eyes and a strange accent
Jerry: A rather remarkable chap: a vibrant ball of life, dark hair, brown eyes, slightly stocky... but only slightly so.

Scene: Tom and Jerry are on neighboring bar stools. They are strangers to each other (at least relatively speaking). There is a half empty pitcher of lager somewhere in between and similarly half empty pint glasses.

Jerry (looks at Tom): Umm haven't I seen you before?

Tom (embarrassed): Er... maybe... Oh yes! yesterday at V's

An awkward silence follows.

Jerry: So you new here... What do you think of the brew here?

Tom: Oh I rather like it... the blonde especially!

Jerry: Well S_ has quite a micro-brewing community...

Tom: Yeah they do.... wait how did you know... ?

Jerry awkwardly fumbles ...

Jerry: ... er ... its just the S_ aura... you know how things are very unique up there.

Tom (not quite convinced): Ah... I see!

An awkward pause

Tom: So what do you do here?

Jerry: Grad student in art history! Very different from what you do ...

Tom (this time amused): So you know what I do as well!!

They both laugh and take a hearty swig!

Tom: So have you travelled?

Jerry: Yes a bit... I'am half -

Tom: -Hungarian?

They both smile

Jerry: And how the Dickens do you know that?

Tom (smiling mischievously): Oh well!! I guess its the aura. Eastern Europeans have it around them...

Jerry continues to look at Tom with an indulgent yet unconvinced smile... as if waiting for a better answer but not really expecting one!

Tom (cornered but enjoying it): ... Oh come on! I know! One of my best friends is of East European descent... Oh well never mind!

Jerry: Wait a minute... how many "Best" friends do you have?

Joyous laughter folllowed by yet another hearty swig.

Bartender: You guys need another pitcher? Or should I straighten up your tabs?

More laughter follows.

The curtain falls on two merry, red faced men laughing about jokes that were never cracked.

I Feel it in my fingers ...

2005-08-27T23:44:00.000-06:00

Blimey! I thought I'd successfuly got over such things as romantic comedies and drowned such ideas as romance in buckets of cynicism... but now having unwittingly watched "Four Weddings ... " I realize I'm just where I was.

Oh well! What a nuisance!

True love... my little toe!!

Think about it!

2005-08-27T17:40:00.000-06:00

Try this out:
Can you build a consistent belief system where a statement is true only if it is false?

That is, the only rule is:
if (not S) then S

Kinda fun to think about. The system would first have to disprove a statement to then declare it consistent. Clearly you cant have such a system in FOL, but what if we use a higher order... Its fun to twiddle around with.

My Sidey!

2005-08-27T16:28:00.000-06:00

Sidey? Thats the immediate neighbor to the left or the right... so you can have at most 2 Sideys. What about other people in the same level? Well you could call them Backeys and Oppys (not to be confused with poppies... which could be an endearment for Pop: previous occupant of your current position). Of course you'd expect people above you and below you to become your Toppys and Undies... well almost... they are your Undies and Bra!!! Its a very expressive nomenclature because you can express any room in your building as a linked reference wrt your point. A more detailed version takes care of buildings with multiple wings... believe me it works.

Who would want to? Well I recently read a book called "Tigers in Paradise," the collected works of Philip Jeyaretnam (a well known Singaporean writer), and in one of his stories the protagonist, a young resident in one of Singapore's many highrises looks out of his flat and contemplates relating all people living in the city by their position and orientation in space (5th floor across the street and so on) and thus creating floor families. I thought it interesting and promptly had an uncontrollable urge to shoot off an emal to the author about how in a certain corner of the world, people do make such families (room pop's Sidey's room grand daughter). Since I was flying from Singapore to LA at the time, and I couldn't sustain the urge over 16 hours, I never did email him. Boy!! That gives out some of my heritage!!!!

But anyway, my sidey on this spot is a Canadian Catholic organization. Thats nice. I grew up Catholic. They also seem to be a nice progressive bunch. Very nice. Howdy do eh?

While on the matter. I was having lunch at V's today and there was this bundle of life sitting at another table with a couple who seemed to be harrasing him about, what sounded like, his boyfriends. He was dark and a bit of a teddy bear and his hair was mildly accented a deep purple. He was lighting up the room with his helpless smiles and exclamations and pretensions of being wronged... :) I couldn't help overhearing the conv. and enjoying it. I was obviously eavesdropping and also abviously enjoying it. On their way out... this 100 Watt bulb actually said Hi to me, and that was when I realized that in future I should concentrate a wee bit more on the food. I blushed profusely and could barely return the greeting! I wonder if I'll run into him again!

Oh well!!!

Hello!

2005-08-27T15:48:00.000-06:00

Hello to all on blogspot. I am not new to the blogosphere. But then Snowflake is new... so, may be, I am too... i.e. this I. Maybe to avoid confusion I should be J here. You get it! right? you've seen something of me somewhere before... but then hey, thats true for every stranger you've met. Look closely they look like somebody you know ... before you know it you have neatly categorized them as the X -Type... Yeah! Yeah! we know all that. I'm not making a point here. Just saying that this blog is about an amorphous identity. An experiment in living multiple lives in multi-voicing... in enjoying the pleasure of having inconsistent opinions... In short, I'm not making a point... I've made enough of them in this realm.

So why the Snowflake? Well heres the deal. Sitting in my living room looking out of my picture window at the town square I see a spruce wilting in the late afternoon sun with Christmas decorations still hanging on it. No big ornaments, just silver streamers and what might be holiday lights. You wouldn't notice the decor if you didn't look hard enough. We need some snowflakes... Yeah its late summer, I noticed the first colors of fall last evening. The snowflakes will be here soon.

I love fall. I love the wistfulness in the air. The last glance after the farewell, as the taxi turns the corner, the last look at the airport after they went through security and grudgingly walked away down the concourse... they could stand there and keep looking at me standing a short distance away, thus delaying the inevitable departure... but then what is it worth? A lot, just like Fall has the most vibrant of colors those moments of distance are often the most meaningful and painful... hence some of us shy away from them and take the rational decision: Bravely wave with a smile and turn away just in time to hide the tears...

Flaky, eh? I'd warned ya!

Snowflake

Of strangers ...

No pot luck!

Details ...

Events and Refelctions

Fall Family Fling!

They are back ...

Expectation

My vacation week ...

Nostalgia

The Garden of Eden

So ...

Painful!

Patience

Then and now!

The illusion of stasis

On being an elitist

Scrambled thoughts

Once again ...

Of haircuts, vanity and philosophy

Steps

Another year

We are family ...

Music

Life Beyond its Trappings, or Trappings make not Life

The importance of political correctness

Moving

Back after a long hiatus

Memories

Snowy afternoon

Core 2 Duo

Busy!

Testing

Snowflakes settling in the middle

In between Oz and Wonderland

The Good, Bad and Ugly!

That time of the year ...

soft comfort

The weekend

Mindsets

Continuity

Bombay (Mumbai)

Outrage!

Meme-ed!

Read more about it here.

You can't speak about it ...

Patterns

Pride week

Home at last

Working from Ho...

Rocky mountain high!

Spring ...

You never know!

Am-a-sham, Big-at-Babble

Tomorrow!

Nothing in particular

Yet again...

Be Merry

Snowy Feathers

Seeking freedom... again!

Happy days!

Lighten up!

The snowflake!

Dogosophy

GDP!

In between laundry and the bills

Festive season

Wet

Gandhi and Apple Pie!

The Cinema!

Brooks and the Bank

What do I speak!

Your Linguistic Profile:

Turning over a new leaf

UU

a touch of e.e.c.

Katarina and global warming!

Minority rights

A point!

Stereotypes!